Friends, Season 12
by Duck Life
Summary: Sequel to Friends, Season 11. A continuation of the TV series. Please R&R! Updates on Thursdays!
1. The One With The Scary Party

_Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's bedroom. Monica and Chandler are lying in their bed, asleep. The phone rings. Monica wakes up, turns on the light, and answers the phone. Rachel screams from the other end of the phone._

Monica: Oh my god!

_Monica screams into the phone. Chandler wakes up, grimaces, and covers his ears. Scene cuts to Rachel and Ross, in the planetarium. Rachel is screaming into her cell phone. Ross is covering his ears. Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Central Perk. Rachel, Ross, and Joey are sitting on the couch. Phoebe and Chandler are sitting in the two chairs at the end table. Monica is sitting in the armchair. _

Monica: Rachel, show us the ring!

Joey (sarcastically): Ooh, yeah, we're all interested in some ring-

_Rachel holds out her hand towards Monica. Joey looks at the ring._

Joey: Ooh, shiny!

Rachel: I feel so great! I can't believe we're finally engaged. It's like, "Why have we waited eleven years?"

_Monica holds out her hand and holds it next to Rachel's hand._

Monica: Eh. Mine is bigger.

Rachel: Monica!

_Rachel draws her hand back. _

Monica: Congratulations!

Phoebe: Hey, we should throw you guys an engagement party tonight!

Monica: _Phoebe_, we're having a Halloween party at _my _house tonight. Did you, um, forget?

Phoebe: Well, I was thinking that since Ross and Rachel got engaged, we weren't going to-

_Phoebe notices the angry expression on Monica's face._

Phoebe: I mean, I was thinking we could combine the two parties.

Joey: I don't know, you want to have your engagement party in the week of Halloween?

Chandler: Are you scared?

Joey: No. I mean, yeah, but not as scared as I would be if they had the party on, like, six-six-six.

Chandler: Yes, it would be terrifying if we went back in time to 2006.

Joey: Very funny, but they might still get married in 3006.

Chandler: You realize that's almost a thousand years from now?

Joey: Well, I thought that people were living longer now.

Chandler: He's got a point.

Ross: Yeah.

Monica: So, tonight, my house-

Chandler: Monica…

Monica: What?

Chandler: It's _our _house.

Monica: Of course it is, sweetie! Okay, my house, six o' clock.

Rachel: Okay! We will be there.

_Rachel and Ross kiss. Chandler pretends to gag. Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe quietly stand up and exit. Rachel and Ross come out of their kiss._

Rachel: Hey, where'd everybody go?

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is dressed up as Frankenstein, standing in the kitchen. _

Ross: Rachel, are you ready?

_Enter Rachel from her bedroom. She is wearing a bridal gown. _

Ross: Hey, wait, I can't see the bride before the wedding!

Rachel: Why don't you have your costume on?

Ross: I do.

_Ross gestures to his Frankenstein costume._

Ross: Did you think this is what I wore to work?

Rachel: No, I mean, why aren't you dressed up as a groom? I mean, it's not like you've never had a tuxedo.

Ross: I'm not going as a groom, I'm going as Frankenstein.

Rachel: Oh, God, I'm Frankenstein's bride! Ross, will you please change?

Ross: Fine.

_Ross exits. Enter Joey, wearing his bathrobe._

Joey: Hey, Rache. Ooh, I like your costume. _Scary_.

Rachel: It's not scary! I'm a bride!

Joey: Yeah…

Rachel: What are you supposed to be?

_Joey puts his fists on his waist in a Superman pose._

Joey: I am… Not-Ready Man!

Rachel: Well, you better get ready.

Joey: Hey, speaking of brides and not being ready, I think I'm gonna propose to Erin.

Rachel: WHAT?!

Joey: It's just that I really like her, and with you and Ross-

Rachel: ARE YOU INSANE?!

Joey: No, I've just never proposed, and I want to do it now…

_Rachel grabs Joey by the ear and pulls him._

Rachel: No, no, NO! You _cannot _propose to her after dating her for, like, two weeks!

Joey: Ross did, with Emily!

Rachel: Ross! Joey, you're comparing yourself to _Ross_? Do you _know _Ross?

Joey: Hey, I can rush into things if I want!

Rachel: No, you can't! You can't just propose whenever you kind of like a girl. You know what happens then?

Joey: What?

Rachel: You get divorced, and you keep getting divorced until you finally end up with me!

Joey: We still talking about me, here?

Rachel: No, I'm talking about Ross!

Joey: Okay, but Ross doesn't need your help.

Rachel: Now you're asking for my help?

Joey: Yeah.

Rachel: DON'T PROPOSE!!!

Joey: Okey-dokey.

_Exit Joey. Reenter Ross, in a tuxedo._

Ross: What was that all about?

Rachel: Joey was just pulling a…a… a Chandler.

Ross: What's "pulling a Chandler"?

Rachel: A euphemism for "pulling a Ross".

Ross: What?

Rachel: Nothing, sweetie!

_Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Monica is standing in the kitchen over several large bowls. Enter Chandler._

Chandler: What are you making?

Monica: Just some snacks for the party. I had to combine a lot of engagement and Halloween themes.

_Monica holds up an onion ring with ketchup on it._

Monica: See, these are like wedding rings, but I put ketchup on them for blood, so they're "Corpse Bride Wedding Rings". Cute, right?

Chandler: Terrifying. But, yeah, sort of cute. What else did you make?

Monica: Wilted edible corsages, red velvet wedding cake, and lady fingers.

Chandler: What's so scary about lady fingers?

Monica: Chandler, they're disembodied fingers.

Chandler: Oh, yeah, I guess. Yeah, maybe I won't eat those.

Monica: Hey, have you decided on a costume yet?

Chandler: Yeah.

Monica: Remember, we all have themed costumes this year.

Chandler: I know that.

Monica: We're all going as bugs.

Chandler: Not Rachel and Ross.

Monica: What?

Chandler: Rachel and Ross are going as a bride and groom.

Monica: But… how could they do that? It's so selfish!

Chandler: Mon, they just got engaged.

Monica: Well, now the themes will be all messed up! They can't have a two-person theme! Then it's just a set, and sets are never any good.

Chandler: No, I'm part of their costume theme.

Monica: What? What are you going as, a ring bearer?

Chandler: No! Rachel's a bride, Ross is a groom… I'm a broom.

Monica: Is that supposed to be funny?

Chandler: You're just mad because you don't get it.

Monica: Chandler, are you seriously going as a broom?

Chandler: Of course! I made a hat with yellow straw all over it and everything!

_Monica points at Chandler._

Monica: You better-

_Monica pauses, takes a lady finger, and points it at Chandler._

Monica: You better go find a different costume.

Chandler: Or what? You throw an onion ring at me?

Monica: They're corpse bride wedding rings!

Chandler: Onion rings!

Monica: Corpse bride wedding rings!

Chandler: Onion rings!

Monica: Corpse wedding rings!

_Enter Phoebe and Mike. Phoebe is dressed as an ant, Mike is dressed as a ladybug._

Chandler: Onions!

Monica: Corpse rings!

Mike: Did we miss something?

Chandler: Monica and I were just having an argument. She's mad that I picked Ross and Rachel's theme instead of- Are you a ladybug?

Mike: I was not aware that we were dressing up until today! They didn't have any centipede costumes on such short notice!

Chandler: Mike, I don't think they would have had any centipede costumes in _January_.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah, you're right, because people dress up as centipedes for New Years!

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: Don't scoff at my family's traditions!

Mike: Wait, wait, so what are you dressing up as, Chandler?

Chandler: Rachel's a bride, Ross is a groom, I'm a broom.

_Mike fake laughs._

Phoebe: Oh, I get it! Because at weddings, they use _brooms _to sweep the aisles!

Chandler: Yeah...

Monica: Chandler, you have to go out and get a bug costume.

Chandler: I can't do that! You heard Mike, I'll end up being a ladybug, or a katydid or something!

Monica: Chandler, I doubt they have a katydid costume.

Chandler: No, I'm not dressing up as a bug. I want to be a broom.

Monica: No!

Chandler: Come on, Monica, it's not like anyone's going to be paying _me _any attention when we take the kids out trick-or-treating!

Monica: What?

Chandler: Well, they're not! If Jack and Erica are looking all cute and getting candy, then-

Monica: No! They can't go trick-or-treating! They're barely one year old!

Chandler: So they don't get any candy?

Monica: No! Never! They'll get fat, and everybody will make fun of them, and they'll… they'll be too big to play on anything at the park… and… and everybody will call them "BFG".

Mike: Huh?

Phoebe: Big Fat Goalie.

Chandler: Honey, that won't happen to them. Nobody gets fat after one night of candy.

Monica: Not when you go to every neighborhood within driving range and demand candy!

Chandler: Sweetie, it's okay.

Mike: Every neighborhood in-

_Phoebe elbows Mike in the ribs. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's living room. A long table laden with a punch bowl and various other treats is near the back. The room is decorated for Halloween and an engagement party. Phoebe and Mike, in their costumes, are standing by the punch bowl. Monica, dressed as a butterfly, is sitting on the couch. Chandler is wearing white pants and a white Polo shirt. The doorbell rings. Chandler opens the door. Enter Ross and Rachel, dressed as a groom and bride._

Rachel: Hi!

Chandler: Hey, guys.

Ross: What are you?

Chandler: I'm a larvae.

Ross: Cool!

Rachel: Yuck!

Ross: I mean, ugh…

Monica: Hi! Good, now everyone's here!

Rachel: What about Joey and Erin?

Monica: Oh, I forgot about them. Well, that's a relief, I was afraid this party was going to be lame.

Phoebe: Excuse me?

Monica: No, guys, it's not you, it's just that any party with such a small number of people would be boring.

Rachel: Wait, so if Ross and I weren't here, but Joey and Erin were, you'd be bored?

Monica: I- sure!

Rachel: Really?

Monica: Definitely!

_The doorbell rings._

Monica: Oh, thank God, it's them.

_Monica opens the door. Enter Erin, dressed as a bee, and Joey, dressed as Batman._

Monica: Joey, who are you?

Joey: I'm… Batman.

Monica: Joey! Batman isn't a bug!

Joey: But… but bats can fly!

Monica: Please, Joey, can you try to change it, look more like a spider or something?

Ross: Actually, spiders are arachnids, not-

Monica: You shut up!

Joey: Bats can fly!

Monica: Joey, I think if you just turn the mask around, and with a little… come on.

_Monica begins to lead Joey towards the kitchen. Joey turns, looks back at Rachel, Ross, Chandler, and Erin, and mouths "Bats can fly!" confusedly. Monica and Joey exit to the kitchen._

Rachel: Hey, Erin, Ross and I are going to Disney World-

Ross: What? Since when?

Rachel: I told you about it on the way here!

Ross: You did?

Rachel: Well, no, but we're getting married, you should understand my body language by now. Anyway, Erin, we're inviting everyone else, and we were wondering if you'd like to come.

Erin: Sure! Sounds fun. You're bringing your kids, right?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, that's the whole reason, really.

Chandler: Yeah, that's why we're going. Sure.

Rachel: Chandler, it's okay to be excited.

Chandler: DISNEY WORLD!!!

_Chandler exits to the kitchen._

Erin: But, um… I mean, that wouldn't be weird, right? With Joey? If all of you are going. I mean, we've only been dating for two weeks, and I really don't want to go too fast.

Rachel: Yeah, I don't think you'll have to worry about that with Joey.

Ross: What? Joey? Our Joey?

Rachel (to Ross): Shut up.

Erin: It'll be okay.

Rachel: Definitely. (To Ross) In fact, by then, she might have run away from him screaming.

Erin: What?

Rachel: Monica makes _really _scary costumes.

Erin (sarcastically): Yeah, that's why her husband is a worm.

Ross: It's a _larvae_!

Erin: Okay…

_Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's kitchen. Monica and Joey are standing by the sink. Monica is taping antennae on Joey's head. Chandler is standing near the door._

Chandler: Monica, we're going to Disney World!

Joey: Disney World?!

_Joey jerks away from Monica, who has tape stuck in his hair._

Joey: Owww!

Monica: Chandler, I don't know about going all the way to Orlando, I mean-

Chandler: Monica, I am the man in this house and what I say goes!

_A pause._

Chandler: Please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please???

_Monica sighs._

Monica: Fine.

Chandler: Yes!

Joey: Awesome! Maybe Erin and I can have _our _engagement party in Disney World!

_Monica jerks the tape back._

Monica: What?!

Joey: OW!!!

Monica: You and Erin are engaged?!

Chandler: What?!

Joey: Shhh! We're not engaged _yet_, but I'm thinking of proposing to her.

Monica: No!

Joey: See, all you women have the same reaction!

Monica: That's because all of the guys are idiots!

Chandler: Hey!

_A pause._

Chandler: This is the part where you say, "Except for you, Chandler."

_A pause._

Chandler: Fine.

_Chandler exits._

Monica: Come here, Joey. Do you want to see what you get when you propose too early?

Joey: What?

_Monica takes Joey by the elbow and leads him out of the kitchen. Scene follows them to the family room. Monica points to Ross._

Monica: That.

Joey: He's happy! He's with Rachel!

Monica: Okay, forget Rachel. Think about that time in London.

_Joey nods, smiling._

Monica: Not the bridesmaid!

Joey: I'm not!

Monica: Or your hat.

_A pause._

Joey: Fine.

Monica: Do you remember how hard it was for Ross, when Emily left him?

Joey: That wasn't because he proposed too early, that was because he said the wrong name!

Chandler: Monica! Come over here, we're talking about Disney World!

Monica: Phoebe, can you yell at Joey for me?

Phoebe: Um…sure.

_Monica walks over to where Ross, Rachel, Erin, and Chandler are standing._

Phoebe: Bad Joey!

_Phoebe throws her drink in Joey's face._

Rachel: Hey, Pheebs, what are you doing?

Phoebe: I don't know. Monica told me to yell at Joey. I don't know why.

Rachel: He was planning to propose to Erin.

Phoebe: What?!

_Phoebe turns, takes Mike's drink, and throws it in Joey's face. _

Joey: Dammit, Phoebe, that one had ice cubes in it!

Rachel: Joey, we want you to swear you won't propose to Erin.

Joey: Fine.

Rachel: Or we won't bring you to Disney World.

Joey: Okay, I really mean it this time! I won't propose to her.

Rachel: Okay. Then we should probably start- Mike, are you a ladybug?

_Credits appear on the screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens on a plane. Joey is sitting in an aisle seat. A flight attendant walks past him._

Joey: Excuse me, could I get some peanuts?

Flight Attendant: Sure.

_The flight attendant hands him a bag of peanuts._

Joey: Sorry, I meant pretzels.

Flight Attendant: Certainly.

_The flight attendant hands him a bag of pretzels and waits for him to return the peanuts. Joey turns away._

**END OF SHOW**

A/N: Here it is! Beginning of the twelfth season! I hope all of my faithful readers from Friends, Season 11 have tuned in. Hope you all like the next season! Happy Halloween!!! 


	2. The One In Disney World

_Scene opens in an Orlando hotel. Monica, Rachel, Ross, Erin, Joey, Mike, and Phoebe are standing in the lobby. Enter Chandler from the restrooms._

Monica: What took you so long?

Chandler: There are automatic towel dispensers in the bathrooms here!

Monica: Oh no, what did you do?

Chandler: It was awesome! I waved to it until I got this trail that stretched all the way to the other wall!

Joey: Awesome!

Monica: Oh my god, you guys are thirty-six.

Chandler: It's Disney World.

Monica: So?

Chandler: So, whenever you're in Disney World, you're allowed to act like you're ten or younger.

Rachel: What kind of theory is that?

Joey: Look! Ice cream!

_Exit Joey. Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in a gateway in front of Disney World. Monica and Chandler are speaking with a Disney cast member who is standing behind a desk. Rachel is standing next to Ross and behind a stroller that contains Emma. A double stroller with Jack and Erica in it is parked behind Chandler and Monica. Phoebe, Mike, Joey, and Erin are standing by Rachel and Ross. Rachel is trying to rub sun block onto Joey's face. _

Phoebe: Come here, almost done.

_Joey jerks away._

Phoebe: Joey!

Joey: It's _cold_.

Phoebe: It'll warm up as soon as you get into the sun!

Joey: How do you know?

Phoebe: Joey, come here and let me finish, you're acting like a little kid.

Joey: Am not!

Phoebe: Are too!

Joey: Am not!

Phoebe: Are too!

Joey: Am-

_Rachel shoves her hand in Joey's face and rubs the rest of the sun block into his skin._

Joey: Ow! It stings!

Monica: Guys, it's your turn to get your tickets.

_Monica and Chandler pass through the turnstiles._

Chandler: See y'all on the other side!

Monica: "Y'all"? Really?

Chandler: We're in the south!

Monica: Still, you can't just walk around and say "y'all". People might think you're mocking them.

Chandler: Okay.

Monica: You have to watch what you say, Chandler. I can't keep tagging along and being the responsible one.

Chandler: You left the kids on the other side of the turnstiles.

Monica: Crap!

_Scene ends and opens in a crowded pathway in Disney's Hollywood Studios. Monica and Erin are looking at a map. Rachel and Ross are standing next to Emma's stroller. Phoebe and Mike are looking around. Joey is looking for an ice cream vendor. _

Rachel: Emma, look! It's Goofy!

Phoebe: Tourists.

Mike: Is anybody here _not _a tourist?

_A pause._

Phoebe: Mickey!

Erin: Okay, do you guys want to go to the roller coaster and the tower first, or-

Ross: The what?

Erin: The roller coaster and the tower.

Ross: Excuse me?

Erin: The _roller coaster _and-

Monica: The Rock 'n' Roller Coaster and the Twilight Zone Tower Of Terror.

Ross: Oh, okay.

Monica: You are such a geek.

Erin: Um…

Monica: Ignore him. Anyway, would you guys rather go to the _roller coaster _and the _tower _first or the movie ride?

Mike, Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, Erin, and Chandler: Movie ride.

Joey: That's great! We'll just split up.

Monica: Joey, you're the only one who wants to go on the roller coaster and the tower first.

Joey: Actually, Emma, Erica, and the other one didn't say anything.

Monica: It's _Jack_, Joey.

Joey: His middle name is my name?

_A pause._

Monica: He's right, let's split up.

Chandler: I'll go with Joey.

Ross: Yeah, me, too.

Mike: I'll go.

Ross: Cool, it'll be just like old times again! The guys all hanging out. And Mike.

Mike: Phoebe, will you be okay?

Phoebe: What, you think I can't support myself for a few hours? You're such a stereotypical, rude _guy_.

Mike: Okay, that word has been tossed around with my name in the past…minutes, so, for now, I'm just "Mike".

Monica: Okay, you guys all have your cell phones, right?

Chandler: Yeah.

Ross: I do.

_Joey snickers._

Ross: What?

Joey: You said "I do".

Ross: So?

Joey: You and Rachel just got engaged.

Ross: Okay…

Joey: It's funny.

Ross: I'll take your word for it.

Monica: Okay, so…the girls are going to the movie ride, and the guys are going to the roller coaster.

Rachel: Sounds good!

Monica: Okay, how about we meet at the roller coaster when we're done?

Chandler: Okay.

_Monica, Rachel, Erin, Phoebe, and the kids exit to the left. Ross, Chandler, Joey, and Mike exit to the right. Scene ends and opens on a pathway. Rachel, Monica, Erin, Phoebe, and the kids are walking. Joey is trailing behind them, unseen._

Rachel: I love Disney World. It's like a whole city of rides and characters.

Monica: I wonder if they have elections.

Rachel: Elections for what?

Monica: Oh, mayor. President. Queen.

Phoebe: Monica, you cannot take over Disney World.

Monica: But…churros!

_Monica points to a churro stand._

Monica: And it's not like I would ever want to run in some other world.

Rachel: Mickey and Minnie are the king and queen, Monica, get over it.

Monica: Yeah, but who takes over the throne once Mickey dies?

Rachel: Some other guy in a mouse suit!

Monica: What if it were me in the mouse suit?

_Joey laughs._

Erin: Joey? What are you doing here?

Rachel: Yeah, we split up, like, ten minutes ago!

Joey: I thought this group was getting ice cream.

Phoebe: No.

Joey: So Chandler's group is getting ice cream?

Rachel: No! Nobody is getting ice cream!

Monica: I- I'm getting ice cream.

Erin: What?

Monica: He made me hungry!

Phoebe: Joey! Look what you did! You brought out the little fat girl in Monica!

Joey: Fine! If I'm not wanted, then I'll just go find Chandler and the guys.

Rachel: Okay.

_Joey exits._

Rachel: I can't believe he would tag along and ask for ice cream when we haven't even gone on a ride yet.

_Rachel, Erin, and Phoebe begin to walk towards the Great Movie Ride._

Monica: What, we aren't getting ice cream?

_A pause._

Monica: Fine.

_Monica follows Erin, Rachel, and Phoebe, and they exit with the kids. Scene ends and opens in the square between the Rock 'N' Roller Coaster and the Tower of Terror. Chandler, Mike, and Ross are walking. Enter Joey._

Ross: Joey, where were you?

Joey: I thought that they were getting ice cream.

Chandler: Please tell me that when you say "they" you mean Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, and Erin, and not some random family.

Joey: Yeah, I meant Monica and Erin and the others whose names I can't remember right now.

Mike: Phoebe!

Ross: And _Rachel_.

Joey: Oh, yeah! Those girls that you guys are hugging all the time. Anyway, turns out they weren't getting ice cream, so I came back.

Chandler: Really? You followed them because you thought they were getting ice cream?

Joey: Yes.

Chandler: Are you sure it didn't have anything to do with asking Erin to marry you?

Mike: What?

Ross: WHAT?!

Joey: Hey! I'm over that.

Mike: He was going to propose to that girl?

Ross: _Joey_?

Joey: Hey! I told you, that was just a crazy thought, I'm okay now.

Chandler: Are you sure?

Joey: Yes!

Chandler: Fine.

_Chandler, Ross, Mike, and Joey begin walking toward the Tower of Terror. Joey stops._

Joey: Although, Disney World is a really romantic place to propose.

Chandler: No!

Joey: Just kidding.

_Scene ends and opens in the line at the Great Movie Ride. Monica, Rachel, Erin, and Phoebe are standing next to an extravagant dress prop._

Rachel: You think I would look pretty if I got married in that?

Monica: Rachel, you can't _buy _these.

Phoebe: Yeah, but you can _steal_ them!

Rachel: Ooh, I like that idea.

Erin: Um, guys? Those security guards are looking at us.

Monica: Okay, forget it, Rachel.

Rachel: Fine.

_They move forward._

Rachel: What about that crown?

Monica: You can't steal anything, and now everybody thinks you're a kleptomaniac!

Erin: I don't think you're a kleptomaniac.

Monica: You don't count. We only met you a few weeks ago.

_Scene ends and opens in one of the cars on the ride. Monica, Rachel, Erin, Phoebe, and the kids are all seated in it. _

Monica: I bet I could have shot that cowboy.

Erin: Monica, they're animatronics.

Monica: I still could have shot it.

Phoebe: Why would you want to?

Rachel: Oh! Look! It's _The Wizard of Oz_.

Phoebe: Aw, look at all the little munchkins.

Monica: I don't know, they look kind of creepy.

Phoebe: Monica! How could you say that about your own children? Hey, look, Oz!

_Scene ends and opens in the Tower of Terror's lobby. Chandler, Joey, Mike, and Ross are standing in the middle of the room._

Mike: It's kind of spooky in here.

_Joey punches Mike._

Joey: Boo!

Mike: Ow! What was that for?

Joey: I was trying to scare you!

Mike: Then why did you punch me?

Joey: Some people are harder to scare than others.

Chandler: Joey!

Joey: What?

Chandler: It smells like clementines!

_A pause._

Joey: You're right!

Ross: Okay, now I'm officially terrified of clementines.

Chandler: Oh, Ross, are you _scared_?

Ross: No! I just happen to know that these rides can be very risky and subjective to cord-snapping. But the risk is what makes it fun!

Chandler: Really?

Ross" Yes.

_Ross jumps to the left._

Ross: Aah! Spider!

Chandler: Come on, wuss.

_Chandler, Ross, Joey, and Mike exit. Scene ends and opens in front of the Rock 'N' Roller Coaster. Phoebe and Monica are reading the rules on a board._

Monica: None of you have neck injuries, and you're all taller than four feet, right?

Phoebe: Yeah, but I'm pregnant!

Monica: Oh, no, sorry, Pheebs, I forgot.

Phoebe: How could you forget? I've got this huge lump sticking out of me! And now I can't do anything! I hate getting left out of stuff.

_Scene ends and opens in the square between the Rock 'N' Roller Coaster and the Tower of Terror. Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Erin, and the kids are standing by a bench. Enter Chandler, Joey, Ross, and Mike. Chandler and Joey are wearing Mickey Mouse ears._

Monica: What are you wearing?

Chandler: They seemed appropriate.

Mike: Did you guys ride the roller coaster?

Rachel: No. Phoebe threw a fit because she couldn't ride it.

Mike: She threw a _fit_?

Phoebe: It's not _fair_!

_A passing woman stares at her._

Phoebe: Keep walking! Go ride your little rides! I'll just sit here with something growing inside of me!

_Woman exits._

Erin: Do you guys want to go get some lunch?

Monica: Sure.

Rachel: That sounds good.

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: Joey need food!

_Scene ends and opens in a café. Ross, Rachel, Erin, Joey, Monica, Chandler, Mike, and Phoebe are seated around a table. Emma, Erica, and Jack are all asleep in their strollers, pushed off to the side._

Mike: Phoebe, I don't see why you're all worked up about this.

Phoebe: What?

Mike: I mean, in a few months, we're going to have a _baby_.

Phoebe (sarcastically): Oh, sorry, I wasn't aware that all this trouble was actually going to lead us anywhere.

Monica: Phoebe, having a baby of your own is so much better than any roller coaster in the world.

Joey: I don't know, Space Mountain is-

Monica: Joey, shut up.

Phoebe: Yeah, I mean, I guess it will be kind of nice to have a son.

Monica: Kind of? It's great! Babies are so sweet, and cute. Trust me, in a few months, you're going to wonder why you even wanted to go on that roller coaster.

Ross: Yeah, 'cause it's going to be a huge hassle to get that little kid to go _anywhere_.

_A pause._

Ross: Ross, shut up.

_Credits appear on the screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Chandler and Joey are sitting in the Great Movie Ride. Chandler puts his arms in the air._

Chandler: Whoo! Why aren't you screaming?

Joey: Because this thing moves, at like, a quarter of a mile per hour or something.

Chandler: Hey, what would you have done if you'd proposed to Erin and she'd said yes?

_A pause. Joey puts his hands up and screams. _

**END OF SHOW**


	3. The One With The Perfume Salesman

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Rachel is sitting in the armchair. Ross and Joey are sitting in the two chairs at the end table._

Chandler: That's what she said.

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: I'm sorry! There were a lot of rude t-shirts in the gift shops in Orlando. I've got innuendos, like, printed on my brain!

Phoebe: Well, take them off!

Chandler: That's what she said.

Monica: Ugh!

_Theme song and title sequence plays. Scene opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Monica and Rachel are sitting on the couch, watching television. Rachel sighs._

Rachel: I love Drake Ramoray.

Monica: I know.

_Enter Joey. Rachel and Monica scramble to change the channel. _

Joey: Hey, guys. What are you watching?

Rachel: Um…

_Rachel glances at the television._

Rachel: NASCAR.

Joey: What is Spongebob doing on NASCAR?

Monica: Uh…

Joey: Ooh, I like this episode!

_Joey sits on the coach._

Monica: What are you doing here?

Joey: What? I can't walk across the hall just to see my friends?

Rachel: Oh, of course you can!

_A pause._

Monica: _Did _you come over here just to see us?

Joey: No. I need help.

Rachel: With what?

Joey: I think I might be getting too clingy with Erin.

Monica: Oh, well, Joey, if she's too clingy, you should probably just talk to her and-

Joey: No. _I'm _clingy.

Monica: What?!

Rachel: Joey, are you sure? I think you might be confused. What exactly did you _do_?

Joey: I stuffed her dressing room with roses and wore a t-shirt with her face on it at her play last night.

Rachel: Now, see, that's clingy.

Joey: What do I have to do to get rid of this?

Monica: Ooh! You have to act all cold and then suddenly break up with her, and then go to a strip club!

Joey: What?

Monica: I was just wondering what it would feel like to be a guy. No, you need lessons.

Joey: Lessons?

Rachel: Yeah! Okay, Joey, we'll teach you everything you need to know about being a good boyfriend.

_Joey laughs._

Rachel: What?

_Joey points to the television._

Joey: He just got stung by a jellyfish!

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Erin is sitting on the couch. Enter Phoebe._

Phoebe: Hi!

Erin: Hi!

Phoebe: What are you doing?

Erin: Oh, well Joey told me how you all hang out here a lot, and I wanted to see what it was like.

Phoebe: And?

Erin: It reminds me of the coffee shop where I used to work.

Phoebe: Oh, really?

Erin: Well, yeah, but that's mostly because it looks a lot like every coffee shop I've ever been in.

Phoebe: Oh.

_Phoebe sits on the couch._

Phoebe: So, I was thinking, since you're new to the group and all, we should go shopping.

Erin: Really? I'm part of the group?

Phoebe: Well, you've been dating Joey for almost a month, and in Joey-time, that's, like, a century.

Erin: Oh. So, you want to go shopping?

Phoebe: Yeah! I was thinking we could go to the mall.

Erin: Cool. I'm free tomorrow.

Phoebe: Why can't we go right now?

Erin: I'm supposed to be somewhere.

Phoebe: But you're not.

Erin: Actually, I was about to go-

Phoebe: No.

Erin: I-

Phoebe: No. Come on.

_Phoebe stands up and exits. Erin exits confusedly. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Jack and Judy Geller are sitting on the couch. Enter Ross._

Ross: Mom! Dad! What are you guys doing here?

Judy: We just came to visit you.

Ross: Oh, thanks.

Jack: And, we wanted to talk about Rachel.

Judy: Jack, I told you we weren't going to bring that up until dinner.

Ross: We're having dinner?

Jack: We thought if you were eating you'd be able to listen more.

Judy: Jack!

Ross: Okay, I'll go to dinner with you guys. But…should I be worried?

Jack: Look at him! Terrified about speaking with his parents!

Judy: Don't worry.

Ross: Okay…

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and Joey are sitting at the table._

Monica: Okay, Joey. Let's start with some questions. What is the brand of make-up that Erin wears?

Joey: Maybelline!

_Rachel makes a buzzing sound._

Monica: Wrong. The answer was "No idea".

Joey: Okay?

Monica: Next question.

Rachel: True or false: Erin has a photo album full of pictures of her pets in her bedside drawer.

Joey: False.

_Rachel makes the same buzzing sound._

Monica: You looked through her drawers?

Joey: Well, what kind of a question was that?

Rachel: A trick question! The correct answer was "I don't know".

Joey: Hey! How do you know what Erin has in her bedside drawer?

Rachel: I don't know!

_Scene ends and opens in Macy's. Phoebe and Erin are walking around the perfume section. _

Phoebe: Don't you love shopping?

Erin: I'm supposed to be at work.

Phoebe: If you were at work, would you be able to walk around a store like this?

Erin: Yes. I'm filming a scene in a department store today.

_Enter perfume salesman._

Salesman: Ladies, would you like to try the new perfume?

Phoebe: No, thank-you.

_Perfume salesman squirts Phoebe with perfume._

Phoebe: I said "No, thank-you".

Salesman: I'm sorry, I-

Phoebe: What, you can't understand common English? Are you just trying to _torture _me?!

Salesman: It was an accident-

Phoebe: You jerk!

_Phoebe punches the perfume salesman._

Phoebe: Come on, Erin, let's go.

_Phoebe exits. Erin exits after her, looking terrified. Scene ends and opens in a restaurant. Ross, Jack, and Judy are sitting at a table._

Ross: Okay, so what did you want to talk to me about?

Judy: Don't end your sentences with prepositions.

Ross: Seriously? You came all the way here just to correct my grammar? What did you come here for?

Judy: Ross! You did it again!

Ross: What did you come here for, Mom?

Jack: We wanted to tell you what you should do now that you and Rachel are engaged.

Judy: Jack! I told you we were going to wait until he was chewing!

Ross: Guys! Just talk to me, I'm not going to _run away_.

Judy: Alright.

Ross: Alright.

Judy: Alright.

Ross: _Alright_.

Judy: Alright.

Ross: Alright! Alright! What are you going to say?

Jack: We want you to not mess this up.

Judy: Jack! I was trying to stall until the food got here!

Ross: I AM NOT GOING TO TRY TO ESCAPE!!!

Judy: Dear, we just want to make sure that you're not going to…pull a Ross.

Ross: Where is this expression coming from?

Judy: It's just that, this is your fourth marriage, and we want it to be your last.

Ross (sarcastically): Done. After Rachel and I get divorced, I will vow never to get married again.

Jack: Well, don't act like you two are _definitely _getting divorced!

Judy: Sarcasm, Jack. And, I don't mean it like that, it's just that I don't understand how, if you two were already married once, and it didn't work out, why does it make this any different?

Ross: We didn't get _married_! We got drunk, and then I _messed things up _and didn't get an annulment for this _exact reason_.

Judy: We just want to make sure that you're not taking things too fast.

Jack: Divorces are expensive, you know.

Ross: Yes. I know.

Jack: I'm surprised you're not broke yet. Although, you are living with Rachel. That the plan, son? Marrying for the money and then leaving with what's rightfully yours? Atta boy, Ross.

_Jack holds his hand up for a high-five._

Ross: No…That is _not _the idea.

Judy: Are you _sure _it's going to work this time?

Ross: Yes! I'm sure!

Judy: But what if it doesn't?

Ross: Then I'll take your advice. I will not get married again.

Judy: And after that?

Ross: I…will…continue to not get married.

Judy: Oh. Well, at least I've got adoptive grandchildren.

Ross: Um, hello? Ben and Emma?

Judy: Oh…that's right…

_Scene ends and opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and Joey are sitting around the table. Enter Chandler._

Chandler: Hey. What are you guys doing?

Monica: We're trying to teach Joey to not be clingy.

Chandler: What? That's like teaching a fish to not drown!

Rachel: You would think.

Chandler: I mean, seriously! It's like teaching the Aflac duck to quack when he says "Aflac"!

Monica: What?

Chandler: I've been spending too much time at work. So, what are you teaching him?

Rachel: We're quizzing him right now.

Monica: What is Erin's paternal grandfather's middle name?

Joey: Um… John!

_Rachel makes a buzzing sound. Chandler exits._

Joey: Okay, how did I get that wrong?

Rachel: You idiot! All the answers are "I don't care"!

Joey: But I do care!

_A pause._

Monica: Oh my god.

Rachel: Oh…my…god.

Joey: What? What did I say?

Rachel: Oh my god, Joey, you care!

Joey: Wha- that's what I've been saying! I care about Erin! So?

Monica: Oh, Joey, you _like _her!

Rachel: Aw…

Joey: Well, yeah, we're kind of going out!

Monica: Yeah, but Joey, I mean, how many girls that you've dated can you say you've cared about?

_Joey begins counting on his fingers._

Joey: Well, Rachel.

_Joey holds up one finger. A long pause._

Joey: Erin! I'm dating Erin!

_Joey holds up another finger. A pause. Joey looks at his two fingers and holds them out._

Joey: Hey, look! Peace! Peace out, man. What were we talking about?

Rachel: Joey! You like Erin! Oh, it's so sweet!

Monica: He's got _feelings_.

_Rachel and Monica hug Joey. Scene ends and opens in the food court in the mall. Phoebe and Erin are standing at a counter of a fast food restaurant. The person standing behind the counter hands them a tray. Phoebe glances her drink._

Phoebe: This is orange soda. I ordered a Coke.

_Erin's eyes widen in fear and she backs up._

Person: Oh, I'm sorry.

_Person takes soda and sets it on the stainless steel counter behind him, and then begins filling a paper cup with Coke from the soda fountain. Phoebe takes the Coke and exits to a table with Erin. Scene follows them there. Phoebe takes a sip of her Coke. Erin is staring at her._

Phoebe: What?

Erin: Why didn't you yell at him?

Phoebe: Oh, were you mad about that? Sorry, hold on, I'll go-

Erin: No! I mean, don't yell at him, it was just a small mistake.

Phoebe: Yeah, I know. Why did you think I would yell at him, then?

Erin: Because you beat up a guy for accidentally spraying you with perfume! Don't hit me!

Phoebe: I'm not going to hit you!

Erin: I'm sorry! I'm just…kind of scared of you.

Phoebe: Why?

Erin: Because you blew up about a little squirt of perfume- which was AWESOME, Phoebe!

Phoebe: I'm not going to hit you.

Erin: I know.

_Erin scoots back in her chair. _

Phoebe: I was just mad that he sprayed me _after _I told him "no".

Erin: I totally understand that.

_Erin scoots farther away from Phoebe in her chair._

Phoebe: And you're about to hit another table.

Erin: What?

_Erin scoots back further and hits a table._

Erin: Ow!

Phoebe: Told you.

Erin: I'm not mad at you!

Phoebe: Erin!

_Phoebe holds up her hands._

Phoebe: I am not going to hit you! I don't have anger issues!

Erin: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay?

Erin: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

Erin: You know, I know other words.

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. _

Phoebe: Alright, hold your fingers together in front of you.

_Chandler holds his two index fingers in front of him, pressed together at the tips. Phoebe holds them together with one hand and punches Chandler in the face with the other._

Chandler: Ow!

_Chandler holds his two index fingers together in front of him._

Chandler: Do it again!

_Enter Ross, Jack, and Judy._

Ross: Okay, Mom, Dad, I'm not going to mess up this thing with Rachel.

Judy: Are you sure?

Ross: Yes!

Jack: We just want you to be happy.

Judy: Jack!

Jack: What? I didn't say anything wrong!

Judy: Yes, I guess you're right. Never mind. Well, bye, Ross!

Ross: Bye!

_Exit Jack and Judy._

Chandler: Hey, Ross! Look what Phoebe can do!

_Ross sits on the couch. Enter Monica, Rachel, and Joey._

Monica: Joey!

Rachel: We didn't say anything wrong!

Monica: It's _adorable_!

Joey: Shut up!

Chandler: What's adorable?

_A pause._

Chandler: I mean, "I'm a guy. I don't care."

Rachel: Joey _likes _Erin!

Joey: Guys, shut up!

Ross: Wait, you mean, like-like?

Monica: Okay, Ross, I know we're all ooh-ing and ah-ing over Joey's _feelings_, but that doesn't mean you can start talking like a thirteen-year-old girl.

Ross: Hey!

_Credits appear on the screen. _

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross is sitting on the couch. Enter Monica, with a cup of coffee. Monica sits on the couch._

Monica: Hey, where were you today?

Ross: With Mom and Dad. They came into town to tell me not to mess things up with Rachel.

Monica: What?! And they didn't stop to see me? She's supposed to like me now, I have babies!

**END OF SHOW**


	4. The One With The Nickel On The Ground

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Rachel is sitting in the armchair. Ross and Joey are sitting in the chairs at the end table._

Chandler: Where should we go tonight?

Rachel: Ooh, how about that club- Fireflies, or something.

Ross: Nah, that place is always packed with twenty-year-olds.

Monica: No, it's not!

Joey: Yeah, it is. Don't you remember?

Monica: I don't know, I haven't been there since I was twenty.

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Central Perk. Rachel is sitting on the couch. Enter Monica with a cup of coffee. Monica sits in the armchair._

Monica: So, have you guys started planning your wedding yet?

Rachel: A little. We have a vague outline.

Monica: What?! A _vague outline_? What's your _vague _date?

Rachel: We want to get married soon. Maybe a little less than a year from now, maybe a little more.

Monica: And all you have is a _vague outline_? Do you want to end up without a wedding dress? Or guests? Or food? Rachel, you should have all this worked out by now!

Rachel: Well, I'm sorry, Monica, but I'm not _crazy_.

Monica: I'm not crazy, I'm efficient.

Rachel: Okay, let's go with that.

Monica: Seriously, you should start planning now.

Rachel: Yeah, I'm starting to set things up. I have a meeting with my wedding planner this weekend.

Monica: Rachel! We don't have to wait until the weekend to meet.

_A pause._

Rachel: Oh, this isn't going to be one of those things where you think it's you, and then it turns out that I wasn't talking about you, is it?

Monica: No, because you actually _were _talking about me.

_Rachel sighs._

Rachel: Look, Monica, you're not my wedding planner.

Monica: Oh, no, did you and Ross break it off?

Rachel: No! Monica, I…I have a different wedding planner.

_A pause._

Monica: Oh.

Rachel: There's…don't tell Chandler, but there actually _is _a "buy two, get one free" deal for the wedding planner that Ross used.

Monica: What about his third wedding?

Rachel: That was in Vegas. Drunk people eloping don't usually hire a wedding planner.

Monica: Ha, ha! _Usually_. I could change that. I'm moving to Vegas.

Rachel: To get eloped?

Monica: No! To _plan _elopements. Weren't you listening to my craz- _efficient _plan?

Rachel: What? Never mind! I just want to make sure that there are no hard feelings about me not choosing you. Are you okay with this?

Monica: Yeah! Fine! I'm Monica, I don't get beat up about simple things like this.

Rachel: Okay.

Monica: Does, um…does Ross's wedding planner have a "buy _three_, get one free" deal?

Rachel: No, I don't think so.

Monica: Okay. I'll plan his next wedding.

Rachel: Yeah, okay.

_Scene ends and opens in Phoebe's apartment. Phoebe, Joey, and Erin are sitting at the table._

Phoebe: And then, it went _everywhere_, all over his mannequin!

_Joey, Erin, and Phoebe laugh._

Erin: Oh, Joey, we're going to miss our movie.

_Erin points to her watch._

Joey: Okay. Bye, Phoebe, see you tomorrow.

Erin: I had a great time!

Phoebe: Bye, Joey! Kisses!

_Phoebe leans forward. Joey looks confused._

Joey: Oh, Phoebe, we don't do the kissing thing anymore.

Phoebe: What?

Erin: Anymore?

Joey: You're married! And I'm finally in an involved relationship. I thought we kind of stopped the whole "random kissing" thing.

Erin: Joey? You're not helping.

Joey: I'm sorry, Erin, Phoebe and I have always just been friends-

Phoebe: No, she should no. Joey and I have kissed numerous times.

Erin: What?

Joey: Phoebe!

Phoebe: He gave me my perfect kiss. _And _he proposed to me!

Joey: That's because I thought you were pregnant!

Erin: Wasn't she married to Mike when she got pregnant?

Phoebe: No, this was before, when Rachel was actually pregnant, with Ross's kid.

Erin: Oh, yeah, Emma, right? They've been dating since then?

Joey: No, they weren't dating back then.

Erin: But they had a kid.

Joey: Exactly.

Phoebe: You sort of have to be there through the years to really understand them.

_Scene ends and opens on a New York street. Chandler is standing by a building, on the sidewalk. He looks around guiltily, then kneels down and glues a coin to the sidewalk. He stands up quickly and retreats to the wall. He leans against it and watches the spot where he glued the coin. A man walks by and kneels to pick up the coin. He tries to lift it. _

Man: Aw, come on!

_Man walks away. Chandler laughs. Scene ends and opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Rachel enters._

Rachel:…no, I'm still not going to ask you!

_Enter Monica._

Monica: Okay.

_A pause._

Monica: How about now?

Rachel: No! I'm not going to ask you _now_, or _now, _or…_now_!

_A pause._

Monica: How about _now_?

Rachel: _No_. Monica, Ross and I have already decided on a wedding planner. We're not going to change our minds.

Monica: Okay… Ross! Can I be your wedding planner?

Rachel: Monica!

_Enter Ross from the bedroom._

Ross: What?

Monica: I'm your wedding planner, right?

Ross: Uh…

Rachel: No, Ross.

Ross: But she's my sister-

Rachel: WHAT?!

Ross: And you are my fiancé, and I agree with you, one hundred percent don't leave me.

Rachel: Good.

Monica: But look how well I planned Phoebe's wedding!

Rachel: Phoebe's wedding was outside the coffee shop, in the snow!

Monica: Hey! That wasn't my fault!

Rachel: Oh? Oh, it wasn't? So, when I'm walking down the aisle, and I trip over a _tree root_, it's _my _fault?

_A pause._

Monica: Well… you might wear more sensible shoes.

Rachel: Oh my god!

Monica: Well, if you stick with this "professional" wedding planner of Ross's, and something goes wrong, it _will _be your fault for not choosing me!

Rachel: Yeah, but everything will go perfectly _because _I didn't choose you!

_Monica gasps._

Monica: You take that back!

Rachel: No!

Monica: Take it back!

_Rachel runs toward the couch._

Rachel: Never!

_Monica chases Rachel to the couch. Rachel leaps over the couch._

Monica: Take it back, take it back!

Rachel: No!

_Rachel runs into her room. Monica tries to chase her into the room, but Rachel slams the door._

Rachel (from behind the door): Ha!

_Monica puts her hand on the doorknob and leans against the door._

Monica: Now you can't leave!

Rachel (from behind the door): Yeah…but _you _can't come _in_.

_A pause._

Monica: So… this is kind of pointless, right?

Rachel (from behind the door): Only if you want to lose!

Monica: No.

Rachel (from behind the door): Alright, then.

_A pause. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Phoebe, Joey, and Erin are sitting on the couch, deliberately looking in different directions._

Phoebe: He asked me to live with him in his giant hand house once.

Joey: Phoebe! Stop making it worse!

Erin: Giant _hand _house?

Joey: Yeah. When we went to Vegas, I met my identical hand twin-

Erin: You two went to _Vegas_?

Joey: No! I mean, we _all _went to Vegas, because I had a movie to film down there.

Phoebe: Yeah, but it was just the two of us on the drive home.

Joey: Not true! What about the hobo I got to drive us?

Phoebe: Oh, yeah!

_Phoebe laughs._

Erin (sarcastically): You got a hobo to drive you so that you two could kiss and sit together?

Joey: _Sleeping _toge-not like that! We were both too tired to drive.

Erin: How can you guys still stay friends if you've kissed so many times?

Phoebe: Well, we've never really had a romantic relationship.

Joey: Yeah. Definitely not.

Phoebe: We've just always been there for each other. Right?

Joey: Yeah.

Phoebe: Hug?

Erin: No!

_Scene ends and opens in Chandler's office. Chandler is standing by the window, looking out at the place where he has glued a coin to the ground. Enter Chandler's boss._

Boss: Chandler!

_Chandler jumps back and spins around._

Chandler: Yes, sir.

Boss: Why aren't you working?

Chandler: I'm observing people's habits to help me with advertising.

Boss: Oh. Good job! I tell you, you're one of the only responsible workers we have- probably one of the most responsible in New York! I mean, right before I got in here, I found that somebody had glued a nickel to the ground! I must have spent ten minutes trying to pick that thing up! The _nerve _of some people!

Chandler: Horrible pranks, sir.

Boss: It's good to know that I have someone like you on the team.

Chandler: Yes, sir. I won't let you down.

Boss: Good.

_Boss exits. Chandler laughs. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk._ _Phoebe, Joey, and Erin are sitting on the couch. Enter Monica and Rachel._

Monica: Use me as your wedding planner, use me as your wedding planner, use me as your wedding planner, use me as your wedding plan-

Rachel: Monica! Stop.

Monica: No. –ner, use me as your wedding planner, use me as your wedding planner, use me-

_Rachel puts her hands over her ears._

Rachel: Please! Please, shut up!

Monica: Not until you say "yes". – as your wedding planner, use me as-

Rachel: Oh my god! Monica, the main reason that I'm not asking you to be my wedding planner is so that you can be my maid of honor!

_A pause._

Monica: Oh…my god. Rachel! Thank-you so much!

_Monica and Rachel hug. Phoebe jumps up._

Phoebe: Hey, what about me?!

_Credits appear on screen. _

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens on a street outside Chandler's workplace. Chandler is walking on the sidewalk. He sees a coin on the ground (the same coin that he had glued there earlier)._

Chandler (thinking): Yes! Money!

_Chandler leans down to pick it up. The coin does not come free. _

Chandler (thinking): -that I glued there this morning.

_Exit Chandler._

**END OF SHOW**

**A/N: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NEW MOON COMES OUT TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited! EEK!!!!!**


	5. The One With The Snow

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Chandler, Rachel, and Ross are sitting on the couch. Phoebe and Joey are sitting in the chairs at the end table. Enter Monica._

Chandler: Well, it's official.

Monica: What is?

_Monica sits in the armchair._

Chandler: Wednesday is the funniest sounding day of the week.

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Central Perk. Chandler, Rachel, and Ross are sitting on the couch. Phoebe and Joey are sitting in the chairs at the end table. Monica is sitting in the armchair._

Monica: So, it's our first Thanksgiving in our new house.

Ross: We'll be there.

Rachel: Wait, why can't we have Thanksgiving in our apartment this year?

Ross: Because you're a terrible hostess and cook.

Phoebe: Ross!

Rachel: He's right.

Monica: So, can you guys come around four?

Phoebe: Actually, Mike and I were planning to spend Thanksgiving with his whole family this year- grandparents and everything.

Chandler: Ooh, Mon, you're going to have a tough time beating grandparents.

Monica: What?

Phoebe: It's just that, well, we…haven't. And it's really important to him.

Monica: What?

Chandler: Phoebe, run.

Monica: Chandler!

_Chandler exits, running._

Monica: Why do you guys have a problem with spending Thanksgiving with us?

Phoebe: We don't! This is just something that we've been planning since last Thanksgiving!

Monica: But you weren't able to mention it until now?

Phoebe: Nobody ever brought it up! It's not like we talk about Thanksgiving in March!

Monica: Yes we do! I _distinctly _remember saying, in March, "So, I'm almost finished deciding on the brands I'm going to use this Thanksgiving."

Rachel: Yeah, Phoebe, that's true. She brings it up at least every day.

Monica: You see? You're coming to my Thanksgiving.

Phoebe: I don't see how you proved that point.

Monica: Well, you are.

_A pause._

Phoebe: Okay! I'll go tell Mike.

_Exit Phoebe. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's kitchen. A turkey is cooking in the oven. Various Thanksgiving foods are on the counters. Monica is looking through the pantry. Enter Chandler._

Chandler: What 'cha doing?

Monica (sarcastically): I'm sticking my head in the pantry because I like the way it smells.

Chandler: What are you looking for?

Monica: Another pepper grinder.

Chandler: I meant in your great spiritual journey.

Monica (sarcastically): Something to beat my husband with.

Chandler (mocking): But Monica! The spirits can't provide you with substantial items with which you can inflict pain!

Monica: Guess I'll just have to whack you with some soul's essence or something.

Chandler: Ew! Those things are sticky!

Monica: Hey, can you stir those mashed potatoes for me?

_Monica points to a pot of mashed potatoes on the stove._

Chandler (uncertainly): Okay…

_Chandler begins to stir the mashed potatoes with some difficulty. Monica continues to look in the pantry. _

Monica: Hey, I was wondering, should we celebrate both Christmas _and _Hanukkah this year, or just Christmas, or just Hanukkah, or neither? I mean, shouldn't we really be deciding which religion we should raise the kids on?

Chandler (distracted by the stirring): Uh…yeah, I guess.

Monica: So what do you think?

Chandler: About what?

Monica: Which religion we should raise them on!

_Monica exits the pantry._

Monica: I mean, I'm Jewish, but I've always celebrated both holidays, and you're Christian-

Chandler: I'm not religious.

Monica: Okay, then, you don't get any Christmas presents this year.

Chandler: No, no, I- I'm Christian!

Monica: Well, how are we going to raise Jack and Erica?

Chandler: How about like you? Celebrating Hanukkah _and _Christmas?

Monica: Ooh! And Kwanzaa! And the Solstice! There would be so much _food_, and _candy_…

Chandler: Monica!

Monica: Candles! I said "candles"!

_A pause._

Chandler: So, do you want these potatoes chunky, or-

_Chandler accidentally jerks the spoon back too fast and mashed potatoes fly into Monica's face._

Chandler: -all over your face?

_Monica wipes away a clod of mashed potatoes irritably. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's foyer. Enter Ross, Rachel, Joey, Phoebe, and Emma._

Monica: Hi!

Rachel: Hi! Happy Thanksgiving!

_Rachel and Monica hug. Rachel hugs Chandler. Monica hugs Ross. Ross turns to Chandler._

Chandler: No.

Ross: Come on!

_A pause._

Chandler: Okay.

_Chandler and Ross hug. Joey and Chandler hug._

Phoebe: Hi, guys! Happy Thanksgiving!

Chandler: What, no "turkeys-are-being-murdered-today"? Wow, Phoebe, you're actually celebrating Thanksgiving.

Phoebe: What about you? I don't see you moping around like you usually do every Thanksgiving.

Chandler: I have to say, ever since I was trapped in a box, Thanksgivings have seemed much happier by comparison.

Monica: Emma, are you excited? Do you know what today is?

Emma: Mon-ca!

Monica: Ha! It's Monica Day. I win.

Ross: Mon, she doesn't understand holidays yet.

Monica: Guess what, Emma? Mr. Turkey comes today!

Chandler: Yeah, and then we shoot him, yank out his innards, roast him, slather him in goo and serve him on a silver platter.

Monica: Chandler! For the last time, it's _ceramic_. Silver is too cliché.

Rachel: Oh, speaking of Emma and gruesomely murdered birds, she's not actually going to be eating turkey this year.

Joey: What?! No turkey for the kid? You're raising your child wrong, woman!

Rachel: She doesn't like turkey! I'm just going to give her some stuffing, and maybe a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Joey: What?! What kind of a Thanksgiving dinner is that? The pilgrims would be ashamed!

Rachel: Joey! You were supportive enough when I was pregnant with Emma and I couldn't eat turkey!

Chandler: He wasn't supportive! He ate the entire thing by himself.

Joey: Proudest night of my life.

Monica: Hey, where's Erin?

Joey: Oh, she's spending Thanksgiving with her family.

Rachel: That reminds me, Phoebe, where's Mike?

_A pause._

Phoebe: Crap!

_Scene ends and opens in an airport. Mike is sitting in a terminal. The intercom calls the last call for a flight to Virginia. Mike looks around, sighs, and boards the plane. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Rachel, Ross, and Chandler are sitting at the table. Emma, Jack, and Erica are sitting in high chairs. Joey is kneeling in front of Emma. Phoebe is standing by the wall. Rachel looks out the window._

Rachel: Ooh, I think it's going to snow!

Ross: No way. It's a lot warmer in New York than it used to be.

Chandler: Yeah, and it's clear today.

Rachel: I'm serious! I bet it will snow.

_Enter Monica from the kitchen, quickly._

Monica: Bet?

Chandler: Rachel and I think it will snow, but-

Ross: What?! You were on my side a second ago!

Chandler: And I still am!

_Rachel points at Chandler._

Rachel: Flip-flopper!

Monica: Wait, wait, what are you guys betting?

Rachel: Oh, we're not betting anythi-

Monica: Ten bucks it won't snow!

Chandler: Ten bucks it will!

Ross: Ten it won't!

Rachel: Will!

Monica: Won't!

Chandler: Will! Won't!

_Phoebe takes her cell phone out of her pocket and dials. She holds it to her ear for a moment._

Phoebe (on the phone): Hi, Mike.

_Muffled angry shouts are heard over the phone._

Phoebe (on the phone): Mike, I'm so sorry. I completely forgot to tell you.

_Scene cuts to Mike, sitting in an airplane seat, talking on his cell phone._

Mike (on the phone): How did you _forget _to tell me that you weren't going on the plane?

_Scene returns to Phoebe._

Phoebe (on the phone): It slipped my mind! I was protesting the massacre of turkeys!

_Scene returns to Mike._

Mike (on the phone): You know there's no way for me to come back, now. I won't make it in time.

_Scene returns to Phoebe._

Phoebe (on the phone): I know! I'm really, really sorry.

_Scene returns to Mike._

Mike (on the phone): I know. And I'll-

_Enter Flight Attendant. _

Flight Attendant: Sir, we're about to lift-off. You'll need to put away your phone.

Mike (to the flight attendant): Okay. Thank-you, I will. (on the phone) Phoebe, I have to go. I'll see you on Friday, okay? Love you.

_Scene returns to Phoebe._

Phoebe (on the phone): Love you, too.

_Phoebe ends the call and returns the phone to her pocket. _

Phoebe: He hates me!

Chandler: Is that what "love you" means? Because that means Monica and I have some serious issues.

Phoebe: Chandler!

Monica: No, he's right.

Rachel: What?!

Monica: Mike doesn't hate you, Pheebs. He's upset that he can't spend Thanksgiving with you, but he's not mad at you.

Phoebe: I guess.

_Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Chandler, Monica, Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe are sitting at the table. Emma, Jack, and Erica are sitting in high chairs. Joey is kneeling in front of Emma. All but Joey have food in front of them. Joey is holding out a forkful of turkey to Emma._

Joey: Take a bite, Emma. You know you want to.

Rachel: Joey, stop trying to convince my daughter to eat turkey. Maybe she's decided to be a vegetarian.

Ross: She's three, Rache. She doesn't _make _any decisions.

Rachel: She might! Maybe babies are smarter than we give them credit for. I mean, you don't remember what it was like when you were three, do you? Maybe we were all geniuses, and we've just descended in intelligence as we got older. It could happen.

Ross: My biggest accomplishment at three was learning how to "potty".

Joey: Come on, Emma, just one bite!

Rachel: Joey!

Joey: Well, she's not eating any!

Rachel: Good for her!

Phoebe: Maybe she's not eating because she _forgot _to tell her husband that she changed the Thanksgiving's Day plans!

Joey: Wait… but Emma doesn't have a husband.

Rachel: She was talking about herself.

Joey: Then why did she say it about Emma?

Rachel: Because she's upset.

Joey: I don't get it.

Rachel: Oh, you are so-

Monica: Shut up, you two! Phoebe, it's okay. Joey and Erin are spending Thanksgiving apart.

Phoebe: But they're not married!

Chandler: Yes they are!

Joey: What?!

_Chandler gestures to Phoebe._

Chandler (to Joey): Upset pregnant woman!

_Rachel gestures to Joey._

Rachel: Guy with commitment issues!

Phoebe: I'm the worst wife in the history of the world.

Chandler: No, you're not. Think of all the wives who have _poisoned _their husbands on Thanksgiving.

Phoebe: At least they were at the same table!

Monica: Look, Phoebe, would you rather be sitting around a table with a bunch of snotty rich people you don't know, or here with your friends?

_A pause._

Phoebe: Friends, I guess.

Monica: Okay. Now everyone, we're going to stuff ourselves with turkey and we're going to _like it_.

Phoebe: Except for me.

Rachel: And Emma!

_All begin to eat. Emma coughs. Rachel looks over and finds a piece of turkey hidden in her stuffing._

Rachel: Joey!

_Credits appear on screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's living room. Rachel, Ross, and Monica are sitting on the couch. Phoebe and Chandler are sitting on the loveseat. Joey is sitting in an armchair._

Joey: I'm so _full_. I think I'm gonna blow up in an explosion of _food_.

Rachel: Okay, if you do, make sure you don't get any food in my mouth, 'cause I'm too full to swallow anymore.

Phoebe: Hey, look! It's snowing!

_All look out the window. Chandler jumps up and holds out his hand to Rachel, Ross, and Monica._

Chandler: Ha! Ten dollars!

**END OF SHOW**


	6. The One With The Christmas Lights

_Scene opens outside of Monica and Chandler's house. Rachel, Ross, Monica, Phoebe, Mike, and Joey are standing in the yard. Chandler is standing next to the house, holding one end of a string of Christmas lights. He is holding it up ceremoniously and kneeling next to an electrical outlet._

Chandler: This is a significant moment! It's the first Christmas in our new house, and I've spent two hours putting these lights up. I wanted all of you to be here for the lighting.

Rachel: Hurry up with your "significant moment" already, I'm freezing!

Chandler: Here we go.

_He begins to move the plug towards the outlet, but then stops and looks up._

Chandler: Do you guys want to sing a Christmas carol, or-

Phoebe: No! Shut up and plug them in so we can go inside!

_Chandler plugs the lights into the outlet. The Christmas lights flicker, pop, and extinguish._

Chandler: WHAT?!

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's living room. Rachel, Ross, Phoebe, and Joey are sitting on the couch. Mike is sitting in the armchair. Chandler is sitting in the loveseat. Monica is standing in the middle of the room, holding a TV Guide._

Monica: Guess what? I just finished highlighting all of the specials and movies we have to watch for Christmas.

Chandler: You understand that _Christmas _means _fun_, right?

Monica: I'm just saying, if you go to the hardware store to get lights, you have to be back by eight so we can all watch A Muppet Christmas Carol.

Rachel: Aw, I love the Muppets!

Phoebe: Yeah!

Joey: Beaker is my favorite.

_A pause._

Chandler: We are not cool.

_Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's foyer. Chandler is standing by the door. Monica, Ross, and Joey are standing near him._

Chandler: Okay, who wants to go to the hardware store with me?

Joey: I do! Yeah, it will be just like old times.

Chandler: Yeah, except instead of getting into an embarrassing situation that Monica has to get us out of, we're going to the _store_.

_Chandler and Joey begin to exit. _

Monica: I'll come and rescue you guys in about forty minutes, okay?

Chandler: Okay!

_Chandler and Joey exit. The door closes. Monica exits to the living room. Scene follows her. Boxes are scattered across the living room. Rachel and Phoebe are standing against the wall. Mike is leaning over a box. Enter Ross, carrying a box. He sets it on the floor with a groan._

Ross (panting): Okay. That's the last of the boxes.

_Monica peels up the cover of one box._

Monica: These are the Easter decorations.

_A pause._

Ross: Happy early Easter, everybody!

_Scene ends and opens in a hardware store. Chandler and Joey are walking down a Christmas aisle. _

Joey: So, what's going on with you and Monica nowadays?

Chandler (sarcastically): We're in the friend zone.

Joey: I mean, are you guys going to get married again, or… adopt another pair of twins? You know, sometimes you guys remind me of celebrities.

Chandler: What?

Joey: Well, you get remarried, adopt kids from Asia-

Chandler: Jack and Erica aren't from Asia.

Joey: Then why are you always feeding them Ramen noodles?!

Chandler: Don't you love all this Christmassy stuff? It makes me want to start singing Christmas carols.

_Passing man glares at Chandler and then exits. Chandler looks over his shoulder and cups his hands around his mouth._

Chandler: Don't worry! I won't!

_Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's living room. Boxes are scattered around the room. Monica is standing in the middle of the room, surveying the boxes. Rachel, Phoebe, and Mike are leaning against the wall. Ross enters with the last box. He sets it on the floor and looks up wearily. _

Monica: Okay, good. Ross, go start hanging up the tinsel.

_Ross collapses on the couch._

Monica: Mike, go start hanging up the tinsel.

_Mike pretends to collapse on the couch in exhaustion, mimicking Ross._

Monica: Phoebe?

_Phoebe begins to fake-fall, but Monica catches her and holds her firmly._

Monica: Phoebe, go start hanging up the tinsel.

Phoebe: Fine.

_Phoebe begins unpacking a box loaded with tinsel. _

Phoebe: Why are you so bossy?

_Mike sits up._

Mike: I've known her for about a tenth of the time you have, and I think I already know Monica better than you.

Monica: Ha! You're up!

Mike: I mean…

_Mike fake groans and leans against the couch._

Monica: Too late. Start unpacking.

_Mike sighs, gets up, and begins unpacking boxes. After a minute, Monica, Rachel, and Ross also begin unpacking. A pause. Rachel stands up, holding a fake poinsettia._

Rachel: Hey, Mon, is this poinsettia you put out every year real?

_Ross and Monica stare at Rachel._

Rachel: Never mind.

_Scene ends and opens in a different aisle in the same hardware store. Chandler and Joey are standing near an array of Christmas-themed singing toys. _

Chandler: Okay, we need to get the lights.

Joey: Why don't we do something fun? You're always so boring.

Chandler: We're in a hardware store, Joe, not Chuck-E-Cheese's.

Joey: You could still have fun.

Chandler: Like what?

Joey: Like this!

_Joey begins pressing all of the "push me" buttons on the singing toys. All the toys begin making a clamor. Chandler starts helping him._

Chandler: You were right!

_Chandler begins singing along to the mixed carols._

Chandler: Deck the halls with figgy pudding on an open fire, hey! Jingle in the meadow, we can build a snowman…

Joey: That's confusing!

Chandler: I know!

_Chandler and Joey run away, "skating" on the floor. Scene follows them to the lighting section. Joey runs over to a lamp, ducks his head under it, and turns the light bulb on._

Joey: Look, Chandler! I have an idea!

Chandler: Me too!

_Chandler sticks his head under another lamp and tries to turn it on. It doesn't work._

Chandler: Oh…wait…maybe I don't.

_Joey turns and points to the doors._

Joey: We could do knock-knock jokes with an actual door!

Chandler: Okay!

_Chandler and Joey run over to the doors and begin knocking on them._

Chandler: Knock-knock!

_Joey stops knocking._

Joey: Okay, the whole point of this is that you don't have to _say _"knock-knock".

Chandler: Oh. You know, we should probably get the lights now.

Joey: Okay.

_The intercom in the store starts up._

Announcer: We no longer have Christmas lights on the shelves. I repeat, we no longer have Christmas lights on our shelves.

_The intercom shuts off. Joey looks up at the ceiling._

Joey: HEY! What do you mean, no more lights?!

Chandler: They… they can't hear you from here.

_A man walks past with a roll of Christmas lights over his arm. Joey points at him._

Joey: He's got the last lights!

_Scene ends and opens in a small security room in the back of the hardware store. Chandler and Joey are sitting on a bench, handcuffed. A security guard is standing in the corner, arms folded, leering at Chandler and Joey. Enter Monica._

Monica: What did you guys do? You only lasted a half hour!

Security Guard: They attacked a man and tried to steal his purchases.

Chandler: Purchase! All we wanted were the lights! He could have kept his potted plant if he hadn't swung it at us!

_Monica begins walking towards Chandler._

Chandler: Don't worry, I'm fine; he missed.

_Monica punches Chandler in the shoulder._

Chandler: Ow!

Security Guard: Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to refrain from doing that in the store.

Monica: But once we're outside I can hit him all I want?

Security Guard: Uh…yeah. Sure.

Monica: Okay. Come on.

_Chandler and Joey stand up. The security guard takes off their handcuffs. Monica exits. Chandler and Joey exit after her with their heads down. Scene ends and opens outside the hardware store. Monica, Chandler, and Joey are standing in front of the store._

Monica: What were you thinking?!

Chandler: I wanted the lights! You told me to get lights.

Monica: I told you to _buy _lights. I never told you to attack somebody for the lights!

Joey: Christmas is ruined!

Monica: No it's not. There are _other _hardware stores in New York.

Chandler: Is this like one of those Christmas movies where Mrs. Claus saves Christmas with the help of her two elves?

Monica: No.

Chandler: How is it _not _like that?

Monica: Because at the end of the movie, the elves get cookies.

_Monica exits to the car, followed by Chandler. _

Joey: Wait, we're not getting cookies?!

_Joey exits to the car. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Rachel and Ross are sitting on the couch. Mike and Phoebe are lounging on the loveseat. Enter Monica, Chandler, and Joey. Ross, Rachel, Phoebe, and Mike jump up and pretend to be unpacking boxes._

Monica: It looks like you guys haven't done anything since I left.

Mike: We did!

Phoebe: Yeah, but then this icy breeze flew in from the window-

Rachel: -and blew everything back into the boxes!

Monica: Really?

Ross: It was a _really _strong wind.

Phoebe: Yeah, and-

Monica: The window is closed.

Rachel: We closed it to avoid another wind attack!

Ross: It's a good thing nothing blew out the-

Monica: Okay, okay, okay, I'm not _stupid_.

Phoebe: But things would be so much easier if you were!

Rachel: Did you get the lights?

Monica: Yeah, they're outside. We had to go all the way across town, because _somebody _assaulted another customer.

_A pause._

Rachel: Okay, if you're not talking about Chandler and Joey, then I'm confused.

Monica: Yes!

Chandler: I'm sorry!

Joey: Cookies!

Chandler: Don't hurt us!

Monica: I'm not going to hurt you… and, fine, you can have cookies.

Joey: Yay!

_Chandler and Joey exit to the kitchen. Monica sits down on the couch._

Monica: Hey, why isn't the movie playing?

_A pause._

Phoebe: This _giant _wind came in and blew up against the power cord and…

_Credits appear on screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens outside Monica and Chandler's house. Chandler is stringing up the lights. Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Ross, Joey, and Mike are standing in the yard. Chandler begins dragging the power cord to the side of the house._

Chandler: Okay, this is it!

_Chandler turns away._

Chandler: Wait, I need an extension cord.

_All of the lights fall down. A pause._

Chandler: Merry Christmas to the ground!

**END OF SHOW**

A/N: Okay, next week's a rerun. I need time to write the Christmas episode. If anyone watches SNL and got that last line, please review and tell me so!


	7. The One With The Latkes

_Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's bedroom. Monica is walking around the room, cleaning. Chandler is in the bed, faking sleep._

Monica: Chandler, wake up.

Chandler: But I'm asleep.

Monica: That's why I said "wake up" and not "Oh, look, it's so good that Chandler's already awake".

Chandler: I'm sick.

Monica: We're not going caroling for a week.

_Chandler sits up._

Chandler: Okay. I'll be sick then.

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Monica are sitting on the couch. Joey and Phoebe are sitting in the two chairs at the end table. Chandler is sitting in the armchair. _

Phoebe: Merry Almost Christmas, everyone!

Ross: Is that the other word for "Hanukkah"?

Chandler: No, the other word for "Hanukkah" is "Chanukah".

Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Monica, can I celebrate Hanukkah with you this year?

Monica: But… Phoebe, you're not Jewish.

Phoebe: So, I can't celebrate Hanukkah?

Monica: No, I mean, I _guess _you can.

Phoebe: Well, maybe now I don't want to.

Monica: Okay. Do you or don't you?

Phoebe: When are you lighting the first candle?

Monica: Phoebe, this is the sixth day of Hanukkah.

Phoebe: I thought Hanukkah was only five days long!

Monica: You know what? Seven o' clock. My house. Latkes. I'm going to try making them for the first time.

_Exit Monica._

Phoebe: Okay. Seven, Monica's house, la-a-a…

Chandler: Latkes.

Phoebe: That's what I said.

_Scene ends and opens on a street in New York. It has snowed. Joey and Chandler are walking on the sidewalk. _

Joey: Don't you love watching the snow fall?

_A pause. Chandler looks around; it's not snowing._

Chandler: Yeah. It's beautiful.

Joey: Sometimes I like to sit at a window with a mug of hot chocolate and just watch the snow fall.

Chandler: So, basically, this is you with a steady girlfriend?

Joey: Yup.

Chandler: You're a sissy?

Joey: Hey! I am not a sissy.

Chandler: Hot mug of hot chocolate? Watching the snow fall? That's pretty sissy-ish.

Joey: Oh yeah? Well…

_Joey makes a snowball and throws it at Chandler._

Chandler (sarcastically): Oh, well that proves your point very well.

Joey: It does! Sissies can't throw snowballs. That makes _you _a sissy. Ha!

Chandler: Oh yeah?

_Chandler makes a snowball and throws it at Joey. It misses._

Joey: Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!

Chandler: Despite the fact that you're winning this snowball fight, your "nyah nyahs" aren't helping you.

_Joey makes a snowball and throws it at Chandler. Chandler makes a snowball and throws it at Joey. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Rachel and Ross are sitting on the couch. Ross takes a sip form his mug._

Ross: I love coffee.

Rachel: That's water.

Ross: Oh. I ate too many Sour Patch kids this weekend, and now I can't detect temperature or flavor in my food and drink.

Rachel: Oh, poor you. I'll make you some food with texture tonight.

Ross: Oh, no, you don't have to go to the store for me.

Rachel: No, I'll make it myself.

Ross: No! Please, please, no, this chemical burn isn't strong enough to withstand that!

Rachel: Hey! I can cook!

Ross (sarcastically): Yeah, and we _weren't _on a break.

Rachel: Oh my god, are you seriously going to bring that up?

Ross (quickly and nervously): What? No! Bring what up? Don't leave me!

Rachel: Actually, I sort of have been meaning to talk to you about that. I mean, we're getting married and all, so maybe we should…really straighten out that break thing.

Ross (quickly and nervously): We were never on a break and I was a horrible person! Don't leave me!

Rachel: Ross, relax! I'm not going to leave you. Why would you think that?

Ross: Because the first time I said we were on a break, you broke up with me.

Rachel: Well, I was mad, I mean, that was less than twenty-four hours after you slept with somebody else.

Ross: Then we got back together-

Rachel: See? Happy ending!

Ross: - and I said we were on a break and you broke up with me.

_A pause._

Rachel: You know, technically, that was also less than twenty-four hours after you'd slept with somebody else. Wow, Ross, when did you become such a player?

_A pause._

Ross: Is… was that a compliment or an insult?

Rachel: I don't know. You still can't taste, right? Here.

_Rachel hands Ross his mug._

Rachel: Have some wine.

Ross: It's nine o' clock in the morning.

Rachel: Call it gingerale, then.

_Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's kitchen. Monica is standing by a counter. On the counter, there is a plate of latkes. Enter Phoebe._

Monica: Hi!

Phoebe: Hi! Aloha!

Monica: It's "shalom".

Phoebe: Merry Hanukkah!

Monica: Most people say "hap-" You know what, never mind.

Phoebe: So, where are the la-la-las?

Monica: Latkes?

Phoebe: Yeah. The lotkiss.

_Monica gestures to the plate on the counter._

Monica: Right here.

Phoebe: Ooh, yummy.

_Phoebe takes a bite of a latke. _

Phoebe: Oh my god.

Monica: I know. Do you want some sour cream?

Phoebe: Oh my god, ew! Blah!

_Phoebe spits the chewed latke into the sink._

Monica: Gross!

Phoebe: You made me eat it!

Monica: What? Not the potato pancake, the fact that you spit it out in my sink!

Phoebe: Potato pancake? That's, like, the worst, most disgusting idea for a food _ever_! And you were going to make me eat all these?

Monica: Not all of them! I was going to have some.

Phoebe: Why? So I wouldn't suspect anything? Or are you immune?

Monica: Phoebe, what are you talking about? Latkes are delicious. My mom used to make them every year. You probably just hate it because you're pregnant.

Phoebe: No, I probably just hate it because _it's a potato pancake_.

Monica: Phoebe, it's traditional. Latkes are delicious. I told you, Mom made them every year when we were kids.

_Monica takes a bite of a latke._

Monica: Oh my god!

_Monica spits the latke into the sink._

Phoebe: Did you do that every year?

Monica: I must have gotten the recipe wrong! That was disgusting.

Phoebe: What did you expect? It's a _potato pancake_. What's next? Asparagus waffles?

Monica: You know, that might actually be good.

Phoebe: No! Monica Geller-hyphen-Bing, I _do not _give you permission to bring something that awful into the world!

Monica: Okay, it was just a thought.

_Scene ends and opens on a street in New York. Chandler and Joey are running on the sidewalks, throwing snowballs at each other._

Chandler: Ha!

Joey: Mwahahahahahaha!!!

_Chandler stops running._

Chandler: What was that?

Joey: I'm having some trouble with my evil laugh in a play, and my director said I should try to practice it as much as possible.

Chandler: Oh. Okay.

_Chandler makes a snowball and throws it at Joey._

Chandler: Mwahahaha!

_Joey makes a snowball and throws it at Chandler. _

Joey: Mwahahahahahahahaha!

_Chandler makes a snowball and throws it at Joey._

Chandler: Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

Joey: Mwahahahahahahaha!!!

Chandler: Dude, you didn't even throw a snowball at me that time.

_Joey makes a snowball and throws it at Chandler, but it misses and hits a man walking on the sidewalk._

Joey: Mwahahahaha- he's looking! Duck!

Chandler: He's not going to throw a snowball at u-

_The man throws a snowball, and it hits Chandler in the back of his head._

Chandler: That had a rock in it.

_Chandler turns around to face the man and makes a snowball._

Chandler: That had a rock in it!

_Chandler throws the snowball at the man. Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's kitchen. Monica and Phoebe are looking through a cookbook. _

Monica: Were the pages stuck together? That happened to Rachel once.

_Phoebe puts her hand over her mouth._

Phoebe: Ugh. I'm already sick, don't mention that.

Monica: Joey liked it, though, remember?

Phoebe: I've seen Joey put gum back in his mouth after he's dropped it on the ground. _Outside_.

Monica: Are you sure there aren't any pages missing in here, or sticky pages?

Phoebe: No. It's completely clean. It looks like you just got it from the bookstore in an airtight, sterilized box.

_A pause._

Phoebe: No, it looks like _you _own it.

Monica: Duh. Okay, here's the recipe.

_Monica reads over a page in the cookbook. A long pause._

Monica: What? According to this, I didn't do anything wrong!

Phoebe: Yeah, well, that is _wrong_.

Monica: Obviously. Look, it says this is the traditional latkes recipe. That makes no sense, my mom said she used the same recipe.

Phoebe: Maybe you're just not as good of a cook as her.

Monica: Hey! Out of my kitchen!

Phoebe: No, I'm hungry. Do you have anything edible in here?

Monica: I don't even know.

_Monica opens the refrigerator. _

Monica: Oh, fruitcake!

Phoebe: Do you just wait until the holidays to spring all of this disgusting food on us? No, Monica, I said _edible_, not some more stuff that we can use to practice spitting contests.

Monica: Hm.

_Monica closes the refrigerator and returns to the cookbook. Scene ends and opens on a street in New York. Chandler, Joey, and the man are running on the sidewalks, throwing snowballs._

Joey: Okay! I win!

Chandler: No, you don't!

Joey: Yes, I do!

_A pause._

Chandler: Okay!

Man: It's good to see people playing in the snow. I never get to be home for Christmas.

Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry. Thanks for playing with us. Is there anything we can do? Do you want to spend Christmas with us this year?

Man: Thank-you, but I can't. I'm always very busy for Christmas.

Chandler: What do you do?

Man: I travel across the world.

Chandler: Why?

Man: I'm… a philanthropist.

Chandler: Cool.

Joey: What does that mean?

Man: It means I give things to other people.

Joey: Ooh…

Chandler: Not you, Joey.

Man: Actually, I have something for you two.

_Man reaches into his pockets and hands Chandler and Joey two candy canes._

Joey: Thanks, Mister!

Chandler: Oh, my mommy told me not to take candy from strangers.

_Chandler and Joey open the candy canes._

Man: Merry Christmas, Chandler and Joey!

_Chandler takes a bite of his candy cane._

Chandler: Did we tell him our names?

_Joey shrugs._

Chandler: Hey, where'd he go?

_A pause. Joey gasps._

Joey: That was Santa Claus!

_Chandler smiles._

_Scene ends and opens in Chandler and Monica's kitchen. Phoebe is pacing back and forth in the middle of the kitchen. Monica is standing in the corner of the kitchen, talking on the phone._

Monica: Okay. Thanks, Mom.

_Monica hangs up the phone._

Monica: I can't believe it!

Phoebe: What? Santa? I believe in him.

Monica: What? No, not _Santa._ My mom lied to me.

Phoebe: About Santa?

Monica: Will you drop the Santa Claus stuff? No, my mom never actually gave us latkes. They were just regular pancakes!

Phoebe: Your mom gave you pancakes? That's awful!

Monica: I know! I feel like I'm missing a big part of my culture.

Phoebe: Me, too.

Monica: Phoebe! You're not Jewish!

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Rachel is sitting on the couch with Emma. There is a knock on the door. Rachel answers the door. Enter Ross._

Rachel: Oh, hi, honey!

Ross: Hey.

_Ross and Rachel kiss._

Ross: I'm exhausted. Somebody moved all of the Homo erectus tools into the wrong places. The Australopithecus had a dagger!

Rachel: Sweetie, I don't want to talk about dinosaurs.

Ross: Well, actually, Australo-

Rachel: Or anything from before the twentieth century. I kind of wanted to finish our break discussion.

Ross: I told you. I was wrong. We weren't on a break.

Rachel: No, really, Ross. Maybe I was a little unfair to you. I mean, I did say that we should go on a break.

Ross: Yeah, but technically we were still together, because we didn't break _up_.

Rachel: Ross, you thought I was with Mark, you were depressed, I had no right to get as mad as I did.

Ross: You mean you shouldn't have been mad?

Rachel: No, I should have been mad. You did sleep with someone else. I just should have been more understanding.

Ross: No, Rachel, I was awful. We were never on a break.

Rachel: Yes we were!

Ross: No we weren't!

Rachel: Ross!

_Phone rings. Rachel answers the phone._

Rachel (on the phone): Hello? Yeah? Oh. Okay. Yeah. See you then. Okay. Bye.

_Rachel hangs up the phone._

Ross: Who was-

Rachel: Phoebe's having her baby!

_Rachel kisses Ross, grabs her purse, and exits. Ross exits. Credits appear on screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's foyer. Monica and Chandler are standing in the foyer._

Monica: Okay, do you remember the first carol we're singing?

Chandler (singing): Deck the halls with… something…fa la la la… something, something, la, la…

**END OF SHOW**


	8. The One With The Christmas Miracle

_Scene opens in a hospital room. Phoebe is lying on a hospital bed. Monica and Chandler are standing on the left of the bed. Joey is standing on the right of the bed. Mike is on the right of the bed, leaning over Phoebe._

Mike: Okay, baby, it's gonna be alright. Come on, baby.

Phoebe: It's okay, I'm fine.

Mike: I was talking to the baby.

_Enter Rachel._

Rachel: I'm telling you, we were on a break!

Phoebe: Ross?

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in the hospital room. Phoebe is lying on the bed. Ross, Rachel, Joey, Monica, and Chandler are standing on the left of the bed. Mike is standing on the right._

Joey: Okay, I just called Erin. She's coming.

Phoebe: Why is she coming?

Joey: Because I figured we had time to spare, and I've never made out with anyone in a hospital.

Mike: Deep breaths, Phoebe, come on.

_Mike leans over Phoebe._

Monica: You play a doctor in a soap opera.

Joey: I meant a real hospital.

Rachel: What about when I had Emma? I was in labor for a _long _time, don't tell me that you didn't hit on any of the nurses.

Joey: When you were in labor, I was busy being in love with you!

_Mike looks up._

Mike: What?

Monica: Long story.

_Mike shrugs and returns to leaning over Phoebe. Scene ends and opens in the hospital foyer. Joey is standing in the middle of the foyer. Enter Erin._

Erin: Hi, honey.

_Erin and Joey kiss. Erin takes a step back._

Joey: Whoa. Where are you going? You're supposed to be right here.

_Joey points to the space in front of him._

Erin: _Joey_. I don't want to make out in public. That's the only reason you called me here, right? Because I don't know Phoebe that well.

Joey: No! No, I didn't just call you here so we could make out.

Erin: No, it's fine. That's the only reason I came.

Joey: Cool. You've never kissed in a hospital, either?

Erin: No. Actually, I made out with a guy… six or seven times in this waiting room.

Joey: What?!

Erin: Oh, they were different guys.

Joey: What?!

Erin: I mean, um…

_Erin kisses Joey._

Joey: Okay, okay, let's go get a room.

Erin: Joey, it's not a hotel. You can only get a room if you're sick or injured.

Joey: My leg!

_A nurse rushes over to Joey with a wheelchair. Joey sits in the chair. The nurse exits with Joey. _

Erin: Okay! I'll be in the gift shop!

Joey: Get over here!

_Erin exits. Scene ends and opens in Phoebe's hospital room. Phoebe is lying in the hospital bed. Mike is leaning over her on the right side of the bed. Ross and Rachel are standing on the left side of the bed. Monica and Chandler are standing in the open space on the left side of the room. _

Mike: Deep breaths, Phoebe.

Phoebe: Mike, if they get any deeper I will suck this entire room into my lungs.

Mike: Stay calm, Phoebe.

Phoebe: And if I get any calmer I will be _dead_.

Mike: That doesn't sound calm.

Phoebe: SHUT UP, MIKE!!!

Mike: Deep breaths, deep breaths.

_Phoebe begins exaggerating her breaths in annoyance. Monica's cell phone rings. Monica answers it._

Monica (on the phone): Hello? Oh, hi, Allie.

_A pause._

Monica (on the phone): What? You can't? Allie, I really-

_A pause._

Monica (on the phone): Okay. Thank you. It's fine. Alright. Bye, Allie.

_Monica ends the call._

Monica: That was Allie.

Chandler (sarcastically): You don't say?

Rachel: Who's Allie?

Monica: She's our babysitter, but she has a thing, so we need a new sitter.

Chandler: I'll make some calls.

_Chandler begins to exit._

Monica: Nobody with piercings this time!

Chandler: Hey! He put the fire out, and the kids learned a valuable lesson!

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: Okay, okay. How about tattoos?

Monica: No!

_Chandler exits. Scene ends and opens in a hospital room. Joey is sitting on a hospital bed. Erin is standing in the middle of the room._

Erin: Okay. We're alone.

Joey: Yeah. Come here, I don't think I can stand up.

Erin: Joey! You know you didn't _actually _hurt your leg, right?

Joey: Yeah, but I'm an actor-

Erin: Hang on. Is this one of those "I just did something stupid, but I'm going to cover it up with another lame acting story" stories?

Joey: You know about those?

Erin: Joey, I'm an actor, too.

Joey: Yeah. But, what if a nurse comes in to check on my leg, and sees me standing up?

Erin: Simple. We turn the lights off.

_Erin switches the lights off._

Joey: Okay. Yeah, we're finally gonna make out in a hospital. Then I'll beat Chandler in make-out bingo!

Erin: You and Chandler play "make-out bingo"?

Joey: No! He plays that with Ross! Yeah, those guys are really immature and insensitive-

_Erin turns the lights back on._

Joey: No, no, no, remember? We want the lights _off_.

Erin: Joey, are we making a huge mistake?

Joey: Well, we lied to a hospital so we could make out in a room that should probably be occupied by actually sick people, so, kind of. Now come kiss me.

Erin: No, Joey, I'm talking about _us_.

_Joey sighs. Scene ends and opens in a hall in the hospital. Chandler is talking on his cell phone._

Chandler (on the phone): Why not?

_A pause._

Chandler (on the phone): Well, why can't you just take your dog to the vet tomorrow?

_A pause._

Chandler (on the phone): Oh, I'm sure they'd understand.

_A pause._

Chandler (on the phone): Oh, I'm so sorry. Okay, bye.

_Chandler ends the call. Enter Monica._

Monica: Any luck?

Chandler: Well, some girl's dog died while she was on the phone with me.

Monica: Oh. So, better luck than last time?

Chandler: Definitely.

Monica: Yeah, I tried calling Maria, but she's, you know, in California.

Chandler: We could…

Monica: No! I am not letting you talk me into trying to ship our kids across the country.

Chandler: Fine.

Monica: Why are we even having this problem? Don't we usually have a permanent sitter?

Chandler: Yeah. _Phoebe_.

_Monica begins to exit._

Chandler: Don't bother. I already asked her.

Monica: That's so inconsiderate of her!

Chandler: I know, right? You'd think she would really want to babysit, seeing as she's about to have a kid.

Monica: I know!

_A pause._

Monica: Chandler, you were kidding too, right?

Chandler: What? Oh, yeah. Of course.

Monica: It's okay. I wasn't either.

Chandler: I really want someone to watch our kids!

Monica: I know, right?

_Scene ends and opens in a hospital room. Joey is leaning against a wall. Erin is standing in the middle of the room. _

Joey: I really like you, Erin. More than all of the other girls.

Erin: Yeah, but what does that mean? If all of the other girls were bingo chips to you-

Joey: Not chips! _Spaces_- you know what, never mind. Just talk.

Erin: Well, does that make me "a real girl", you know, just another girl?

Joey: No! Of course not! I- I've been in love once. This is…

Erin: What? That thing with Rachel? Please, Joey, that was just a fling, and you know it. You spend a lot of time with a friend, of course you started to like her. Don't tell me you've ever been in love before!

Joey: Yeah? Have _you_?

Erin: Yes! I-

Joey: Wait! Never mind, if I'm trying to keep you, it's probably not a good idea to bring up old boyfriends that you were in love with. Never mind.

Erin: I just feel like I don't matter to you.

Joey: You do! Erin, I think about you every day! You're not just… not just a part of my life, you're in the center of my life. Really.

Erin: Yeah, well-

_The door opens. Joey jumps on the bed. Enter Nurse._

Nurse: Hi. What's your name?

Joey: Joey Tribbiani.

Nurse: And what's the matter?

Joey: Well… um… I think my leg is dislocated. I'm afraid that it's going to _leave me_.

Nurse: Mm-hm. When did this start, exactly?

Joey: Ah… well, I guess it started today. I was in the hospital for a friend, but then I suddenly realized that my leg might be trying to… break _away_ from me.

Nurse: Uh… okay. Do you know why?

Erin: It's because he doesn't give his leg enough care- you know, lotion, exercise. Also, he's got another leg.

Joey: No! I _do not _have another leg!

Nurse: Are you saying your other leg is prosthetic?

Joey: Oh! No, I meant… I mean, I thought she was implying that I had a _third _leg. Which I don't! Because, you know, it's analytically-

Erin: Anatomically.

Joey: Atamonically impossible. Also, I don't want one, because I really like this… dislocated leg.

Nurse: O…kay… Have you been participating in any extra activities?

Joey: No! Nothing extra! Just… just this leg. It's dislocated.

Erin: It's probably going to break.

Joey: No, please, no, I don't want it to break.

Nurse: Mr. Tribbiani, calm down, your leg is not going to break.

Erin: You can't tell his leg what to do!

Nurse: I'm not! I'm sorry, you two are confusing me.

Joey: It's fine. I'm just worried about my leg.

Nurse: Well, don't worry. Your leg isn't going to break.

Joey: Well… I really don't want it to break…because…

_Joey looks at Erin._

Joey: I _love _my leg. I do. I really, really… love my leg.

Nurse: What?

Erin: What?!

Joey: Really. I don't want to lose it because I love it. I love my leg. I love it so much. I _love _it. I've never felt his way about… my other leg.

Nurse: Well…

Erin: Oh, Joey, I love your leg, too!

_A pause. Joey begins leaning down, as if to kiss his leg._

Erin: Don't. I can't take this anymore. His leg is fine.

Nurse: Okay?

_Erin kisses Joey. Joey stands up. Exit Nurse._

Joey: I love you, Erin.

Erin: I love you, too, Joey.

_Joey and Erin kiss. Scene ends and opens in Phoebe's hospital room. Phoebe is lying in the cot. Mike is standing on the left of the bed. Rachel and Ross are standing on the right of the bed. Enter Monica and Chandler._

Ross: Did you find a sitter?

Chandler: No. We ordered pizza to our address and gave the pizza guy our garage code. We figured once he realized there were babies alone in the house, he'd watch them until we came home.

Rachel: There goes Chandler with his sarcasm again, and… Monica, you're not rolling your eyes. No! Monica?!

Monica: I really wanted to be here.

Rachel: Oh my god! I feel like I should go watch your kids, but I don't want to!

Phoebe: Okay, you guys just stand there talking about your little middle school problems?

Rachel: What? _Childcare_?

Chandler: Hey! We should be celebrating! This is an end to pregnant Phoebe!

Monica: Uh, yeah, and there's going to be a new little life!

_A pause._

Chandler: Yeah, whatever. Whoo! No more mean Phoebe!

_Enter Doctor._

Doctor: Well, Phoebe, I think you're ready to have this baby.

Chandler: Yes! It's coming soon, guys.

Doctor: Excited about the baby?

Chandler: Not at all!

Doctor: Okay, Phoebe, I need you to push.

Phoebe: Okay…

_Mike and Doctor lean over Phoebe. Phoebe takes a deep breath. Enter Joey and Erin with their arms around each other._

Monica: Aw, look at you two lovebirds.

Joey: Yeah.

Rachel: What?

Erin: We're in love!

Ross, Chandler, Rachel, and Monica: What?!

_Phoebe pushes Mike and Doctor vigorously as she sits up._

Phoebe: WHAT?!

Doctor: Mrs. Hannigan, when I said to push, I meant the baby.

Phoebe: You two? Joey? Really? In love? Now? _Joey_?

_A pause._

Phoebe: Hey! The baby's coming!

_Phoebe lays back down._

Doctor: Phoebe, I need you to push. _The baby_.

Phoebe: I know. Okay. Augh! This feels weird. Ooh… it's moving down…

Chandler: Okay, Pheebs, we don't need commentary.

Phoebe: Hey! Is it… is it out? I don't…

_Doctor looks under Phoebe's hospital gown._

Doctor: I see a head!

Mike: What? Heads? I love heads!

Phoebe: Then stay by mine! Oof… Okay. Is it out yet?

Doctor: We've got shoulders… keep pushing… okay, arms… hands… okay, legs… Almost done, Phoebe.

Phoebe: Can I take a break?

Doctor: It's out, Phoebe!

Phoebe: What? Let me see him!

_Doctor hands Phoebe the baby. Phoebe gasps._

Phoebe: Oh my god… Oh, I love him.

Chandler: That's good, because, you know, you can't return those things. Although, you know, he's really slimy.

Mike: Oh, he's beautiful. It's a Christmas miracle!

Chandler: A _slimy _miracle.

Monica: Chandler!

Phoebe: Oh, he's our little miracle.

_A pause._

Erin: Joey loves me!

_Credits appear on screen. _

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Phoebe's hospital room. Phoebe is lying in the hospital bed, holding the baby. Monica, Chandler, Rachel, Ross, Joey, and Erin are crowding the right side of the bed. Mike is standing on the left side of the bed._

Monica: Oh, Mike, he looks just like you.

_Mike reaches up to touch his hair, looking worried._

Mike: Am I- am I going bald?

**END OF SHOW**

**A/N: Happy Holidays! I have to dedicate this chapter to Ke$ha, and especially her song "Backstabber", because it's pretty much all I listened to while writing this episode. **


	9. The One With The Noisemakers

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Monica are sitting on the couch. Joey and Phoebe are sitting in the two chairs at the end table. Chandler is sitting in the armchair. _

Chandler: And then they fell in the mud!

Ross: Seriously? All of them?

Chandler: Yeah, and then the guy got away in the banana truck.

_A pause._

Joey: What are we talking about?

Chandler: No idea.

Ross: Yeah, I was just going along with it.

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Monica are sitting on the couch. Joey and Phoebe are sitting in the two chairs at the end table. Chandler is sitting in the armchair. _

Rachel: So, Ross and I are hosting New Year's Eve in our apartment tonight.

Chandler: Oh, I have to work late-

Phoebe: Mike and I-

Joey: There's this thing-

Ross: Yeah, and I-

Rachel: Ross! I bought pizza and chips.

Chandler: Okay, yeah.

Joey: I can go.

Ross: I'm good.

Phoebe: Okay, but Mike and I might be a little late.

Rachel: How late?

Phoebe: Well, there's a good chance we won't make it until next year.

Monica: Oh, because of your new baby?

Phoebe: Um, yeah.

Rachel: Okay, Phoebe, I understand. You can take as much time as you need. It doesn't matter if you don't show up.

Phoebe: Yeah, well, we'll try.

Monica: Speaking of which, where is the kid?

Phoebe: Ah, my son is with Mike right now.

Rachel: How can you stand to be away from him this early? When I had Emma, I don't think I left her side for months.

_Ross stares at Rachel._

Rachel: Weeks.

_Ross continues to stare at Rachel._

Rachel: Okay, I went shopping the day after she was born.

Phoebe: Well, I think it's important that Mike and I both spend some alone time with him.

Joey: Hey, what's his name?

Phoebe: Um… Mike? His name is Mike.

Monica: Not _Mike_. What's the baby's name?

Phoebe: Hannigan. You know, we wouldn't change his last name.

Rachel: Phoebe, what is his _first _name?

Phoebe: Um… I have to go.

_Phoebe stands up._

Monica: Phoebe! Did you forget your own son's name?

Phoebe: No! There's no way I could have forgotten his name.

Chandler: Because it's really bad?

Phoebe: No… because he _sort of _doesn't, um, have one. Okay, bye.

_Exit Phoebe quickly. Scene ends and opens in Mike and Phoebe's apartment. Mike is sitting on the couch with the baby. Enter Phoebe._

Phoebe: Okay, Mike, we have _got _to name the kid.

Mike: Joseph. Martin. Clyde.

Phoebe: Can you think of anything but the Beatles?

Mike (confusedly): I didn't say any of the Beatles.

Phoebe: We should give him a really original name.

_A pause._

Mike: Are you also thinking of "Original"?

Phoebe: Yes! Oh my god, why is it so hard to name this kid?

Mike: it's not! Call him Mike Junior.

Phoebe: That's not original at all!

Mike: Well, what do you suggest?

Phoebe: Phoebo!

Mike: No.

Phoebe: Phoebus.

Mike: No.

Phoebe: Phoeb.

Mike: No! How about we make a rule that we can't name the kid after ourselves in any way?

Phoebe: Okay.

Mike: What about "Andrew"?

Phoebe: Hey! "Andrew" is your middle name!

Mike: No, it's not!

_A pause._

Phoebe: Oh. Well, I don't like the name "Andrew".

Mike: Lawrence.

Phoebe: What kind of a name is that? It's a baby, not a middle-aged man!

Mike: Phoebe!

Phoebe: Well, I like that one.

Mike: _No_, I meant _Phoebe_, why do you keep disagreeing with me?

Phoebe: I'm not. It's just that this kid is really important to me, and I want his name to be perfect.

Mike: Yeah, me too.

_A pause._

Mike: Miguel?

_Scene ends and opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Ross is standing in the kitchen. Enter Monica and Chandler._

Chandler: Hi! Happy New Year's!

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: What?

Monica: It's New Year's _Eve_.

_A pause._

Chandler: Happy New Year's!

Ross: Happy…

_Monica glares at Ross._

Ross: Happy New Year's Eve!

Monica: Yay! It's NYE in NYC!

_A pause._

Monica: I was going to bring a bottle of wine, but it was almost empty, so I drank it on the way here. Ooh, confetti.

_Monica sits on the couch and begins watching the New Year's Eve special on the television._

Ross: So, I was-

_Chandler puts a plastic lei around Ross's neck._

Ross: What is this?

Chandler: It's a fake lei!

_Chandler blows a celebratory noise-maker in Ross's face._

Ross: Did you drink any of that wine?

_Scene ends and opens in the hallway outside Joey's apartment. Rachel is standing in the hallway. Rachel knocks on Joey's door. Enter Joey, looking bleary-eyed, as if he just woke up._

Joey: Good morning!

Rachel: Joey, it's almost eleven at night.

Joey: What year is it?

Rachel: Two thousand nine.

Joey: Whoa…

Rachel: What are you doing?

Joey: Acting like I'm in one of those movies where the guy time-travels, but he doesn't know it until he asks someone what year it is.

Rachel: Well, quit it. Why were you asleep already?

Joey: I always end up falling asleep before midnight, so I was taking a nap so I'd be wide awake tonight.

Rachel: How do you end up falling asleep before midnight on new Year's Eve? Don't you usually stay up past midnight every night?

Joey: Yeah, but that big disco ball moves really slowly. It calms me.

Rachel: Okay… Do you have-

Joey: No.

Rachel: You didn't even listen to the whole question.

Joey: Oh. Well, I just wanted to let you know that I _do not _have your Journey CDs.

Rachel: Okay, well- wait, what? I've been missing those for a long time.

Joey: Well, I don't have them.

Rachel (suspiciously): Really?

Joey: Yep.

_A pause._

Rachel (singing): Just a small town girl…

Joey (singing): Living in a lonely world! Fine, I'll give them back in the morning. What were you going to ask me?

Rachel: Do you have a broom? I spilled some chips in the kitchen and I don't have one.

Joey: No, I don't have one, but I think they have extra cleaning supplies that we can borrow in the supplies closet.

Rachel: Okay, come on.

_Rachel begins to exit._

Joey: I want to go back to sleep.

Rachel: No. You stole my Journey CDs, you have to be my doorstop.

Joey: Fine.

_Joey and Rachel exit. Scene ends and opens in a supplies closet. Rachel is standing near the back, rifling through the supplies. Joey is propping the door open with his foot._

Rachel: Hey, where's your lovebird today? Usually she's hanging all over you.

Joey: Oh, come on, we are not _that _overly-affectionate.

Rachel: But you do admit that you two are overly-affectionate?

Joey: Well, we're both extremely good-looking. It's inevitable.

Rachel: _Joey_. Anyways, where is Erin?

Joey: Spending New Year's with her family. She invited me to come, but… uh…

Rachel: Her parents are vegetarians and you wanted pepperoni pizza.

Joey: Yeah, I was trying to think of a reason that doesn't make me sound like an insensitive moron.

Rachel: Wow. "Insensitive" is a big word for you.

Joey: Yeah, but now I'm used up for the new year.

Rachel: So, what's going on with you and Erin? Is it weird being in love?

_As Joey speaks, he slowly moves away from the door subconsciously._

Joey: It's not _weird_, really, just different. Good different. We don't fight as much as we used to. And-

_The door swings shut. _

Rachel (turning around): Joey, you can't just leave and slam the door whenever an uncomfortable subject- oh, you're still here.

_A pause._

Rachel: Oh. You're still here.

Joey: What?

Rachel: Oh! _You're _still _here_!

Joey: Am I supposed to- Oh my god!

Rachel: Joey! You locked us in!

Joey: Actually, the door was already locked, I just sort of closed our last chance of escape.

Rachel (mocking): "I just sort of closed our last-" We're going to miss New Year's! We're going to starve! Nobody will find us here! We're going to die, and- oh my god, those chips are never going to get cleaned up! Monica will never let me host again.

_A pause._

Joey: Way to look at the big picture, Rache. Look, they'll find us. Remember: the number one cause of drowning is panicking.

Rachel: Oh. That's good; I'll know what to do now if this place spontaneously floods!

Joey: It's an expression.

Rachel: I'll give you an express-

Joey: Do you have your cell phone?

Rachel: What? So you can call your girlfriend? Use your own phone! I've got limited minutes.

Joey: Again, Rache: big picture. You can use the phone to call Ross and get him to get us out of here.

Rachel: Oh. Okay.

_Rachel pulls out her phone and dials. She holds the phone to her ear for a moment, and then brings it back down and looks at the screen._

Rachel: I have no bars in here. Let me try in the hallway-

_Rachel begins to walk towards the shut door._

Joey: You have the memory of a hummingbird!

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting in the armchair. A New Year's show is playing on the television. Chandler and Monica have a bag of chips between them. _

Ross: Hey, did you see Rachel while you were coming up here?

Monica: No, why?

Ross: She went to ask Joey something an hour- oh my god, they're having an affair.

Monica: They are not having an affair!

Chandler: Yeah, Ross, you're being paranoid. She was probably just abducted by that stalker guy whose always following us.

Ross: Oh, so she's having an affair with your stalker, that's just great.

Chandler: She's not cheating on you! I'm sure she just got lost.

Ross: This is her apartment building!

Monica: It's _Rachel_.

_A pause._

Ross: Will you guys help me look for her?

Chandler: Sure.

_Chandler opens the chip bag and stares into it, then looks up back from Ross._

Chandler: Okay, I looked.

Monica: No one can say the Bings don't try!

Ross: I'm gonna go try and find her.

Monica: Well, you do that.

_Chandler pulls another noise-maker out of his pocket and blows it at Ross. Scene ends and opens in Mike and Phoebe's apartment. Mike is sitting on the couch sideways, leaning over the arm. Phoebe is sitting clumped in the armchair._

Mike: Alex.

Phoebe: That was my great-aunt's name.

Mike: Danny.

Phoebe: That was my other great-aunt's name.

Mike: Tom.

Phoebe: That was my _other _other great-aunt's name.

Mike: How many great-aunts did you have and did they all have transgender names?

Phoebe: Six, and no. There was Aunt Leslie.

Mike: Leslie can be a guy's name.

Phoebe: _Any _name can be a guy's name, depending on how mean his parents are.

Mike: Frodo.

Phoebe: We're going to be known as "those awful parents".

Mike: I like Frodo!

Phoebe: Frodo was my brother's first dog's name.

_Mike sits up._

Mike: We're never going to find a name that's not somehow connected to us or to someone we know.

Phoebe: Why can't we name him Joey Chandler Ross Hannigan?

Mike: Because that's stupid! We should name him Mike Hannigan!

Phoebe: That would be way too confusing. I'd never know who was talking to you and who was talking to the baby.

Mike: Well, everybody would use an annoying baby voice with the kid.

Phoebe: You think they're annoying, too?

Mike: Of course! "Hi, baby!" It's not like little kids understand you any better!

Phoebe: I know, right!

_Scene ends and opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Monica and Chandler are sitting on the couch. The television is showing the New Year's special._

Monica: Remember when I said that we would have a "rocking party"?

Chandler: No. Was this before or after you drank that bottle of wine?

Monica: It wasn't a whole bottle! I drank it because it was almost empty!

Chandler: And snapped at me when I asked for a sip.

Monica: You were driving! I probably saved your life.

Chandler: And clawed at my face.

Monica: Driving under the influence is very serious, Chandler, you shouldn't have asked for that sip in the first place. I was right to keep it from you.

**(Did y'all get that? Good.)**

Chandler: Yeah, I guess. Seriously, we're the only ones here and it's not even our party.

Monica: You're right. We should leave.

Chandler: We'll have to go out the fire escape, though.

Monica: What? _Why_?

Chandler: Because…it's dramatic!

_Scene ends and opens in the storage closet. Rachel is leaning against the wall. Joey ha his ear against the door._

Joey: Oh my god, we're never going to get out, we're going to die in here and nobody will ever find our skeletons!

Rachel: What was that advice you gave me?

Joey: Don't panic. I'm not panicking! I'm just…it's…

_Joey begins hammering on the door._

Joey: HELP!!! GET US OUT OF HERE!!! HELP!!!

_Rachel looks at her watch._

Rachel: It's almost midnight. I'm not going to have anyone to kiss!

Joey: GET US OUT OF- what now?

Rachel: I'm going to miss New Year's. We can't celebrate it in here!

Joey: Sure we can!

Rachel: No we can't, not like they are in the city. Do _you _have any balls to drop?

_Joey giggles._

Rachel: Oh, grow up! And now I don't have anyone to kiss at midnight.

_Joey looks around._

Joey: Thanks for chopping up my liver like that, Rachel!

Rachel: Joey, the phrase is "What am I, chopped liver?"

Joey: Right.

Rachel: Well, I guess you have a point.

Joey: Wait, you're actually going to chop up my liver?

Rachel: No, I mean we should kiss at midnight.

Joey: Oh, okay.

Rachel: Quick, quick, we've got, like, ten seconds.

_Rachel and Joey approach each other awkwardly._

Joey: Um…

Rachel: Yeah, okay.

Joey and Rachel: Three, Two, One!

_Rachel and Joey kiss quickly._

Rachel: You're a better kisser than I thought.

Joey: Happy New Year!

_Joey throws his hands up and notices his watch._

Joey: Okay, now midnight on _my _watch.

Rachel: Okay.

_Rachel and Joey kiss. Enter Ross._

Ross: What… Monica!

Rachel: Um… we were on a break?

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Monica and Chandler are standing on the balcony, getting ready to climb down the fire escape. Enter Ross, Rachel, and Joey. Chandler and Monica run back into the room._

Monica: That poor, poor pigeon.

Chandler: I can't believe we were too late to save it.

Ross: You were wrong!

Chandler: Bad Monica!

Ross: I'm talking to both of you. You said that Rachel and Joey weren't having an affair!

Rachel: We weren't!

Ross: Then why were you kissing?

Joey: It was New Year's, and it was all her idea!

Rachel: What? _You _brought it up!

Joey: All I brought up was my liver!

Rachel: Yeah, well-

Chandler: I'm confused!

Ross: Rachel was cheating on me.

Rachel: No, I wasn't! I just wanted somebody to kiss on New Year's.

Monica: Hey, it's the New Year already?

Joey: Yeah.

_Monica kisses Chandler._

Joey: Speaking of which, Ross, all this happened _last year_, why are you still mad? Really.

Rachel: Yeah, Ross.

Ross: Hey!

_A pause._

Ross: Fine. Happy New Year, whoo!

_Enter Phoebe and Mike. Phoebe is carrying the baby._

Phoebe: Joel Randler!

Mike: "Joe" for Joey, "el" for Michael, me, "R" for Ross, and "andler" for Chandler!

Monica: Oh. Yeah, we don't care about that anymore. Joey kissed Rachel.

Phoebe: What?

Mike: Happy New Year!

_Credits appear on screen. _

**CREDIT SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Chandler, Mike, Phoebe, Ross, Rachel, and Joey are standing in the middle of the room. Phoebe is holding Joel._

Phoebe: Well, it looks like everybody missed New Year's except for Joey and Rachel.

Monica: Hey, Rachel's alarm clock is six minutes slow!

_All exit to Rachel and Ross's bedroom. _

All (from behind the door): Happy New Year!


	10. Rerun: The One With The Perfume Salesman

**A/N: I fully intended to post a new episode today. I'd been writing it, but I only had two scenes due to not getting time to write due to midterms. I promise I'll have it ready next week!**

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Rachel is sitting in the armchair. Ross and Joey are sitting in the two chairs at the end table._

Chandler: That's what she said.

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: I'm sorry! There were a lot of rude t-shirts in the gift shops in Orlando. I've got innuendos, like, printed on my brain!

Phoebe: Well, take them off!

Chandler: That's what she said.

Monica: Ugh!

_Theme song and title sequence plays. Scene opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Monica and Rachel are sitting on the couch, watching television. Rachel sighs._

Rachel: I love Drake Ramoray.

Monica: I know.

_Enter Joey. Rachel and Monica scramble to change the channel. _

Joey: Hey, guys. What are you watching?

Rachel: Um…

_Rachel glances at the television._

Rachel: NASCAR.

Joey: What is Spongebob doing on NASCAR?

Monica: Uh…

Joey: Ooh, I like this episode!

_Joey sits on the coach._

Monica: What are you doing here?

Joey: What? I can't walk across the hall just to see my friends?

Rachel: Oh, of course you can!

_A pause._

Monica: _Did _you come over here just to see us?

Joey: No. I need help.

Rachel: With what?

Joey: I think I might be getting too clingy with Erin.

Monica: Oh, well, Joey, if she's too clingy, you should probably just talk to her and-

Joey: No. _I'm _clingy.

Monica: What?!

Rachel: Joey, are you sure? I think you might be confused. What exactly did you _do_?

Joey: I stuffed her dressing room with roses and wore a t-shirt with her face on it at her play last night.

Rachel: Now, see, that's clingy.

Joey: What do I have to do to get rid of this?

Monica: Ooh! You have to act all cold and then suddenly break up with her, and then go to a strip club!

Joey: What?

Monica: I was just wondering what it would feel like to be a guy. No, you need lessons.

Joey: Lessons?

Rachel: Yeah! Okay, Joey, we'll teach you everything you need to know about being a good boyfriend.

_Joey laughs._

Rachel: What?

_Joey points to the television._

Joey: He just got stung by a jellyfish!

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Erin is sitting on the couch. Enter Phoebe._

Phoebe: Hi!

Erin: Hi!

Phoebe: What are you doing?

Erin: Oh, well Joey told me how you all hang out here a lot, and I wanted to see what it was like.

Phoebe: And?

Erin: It reminds me of the coffee shop where I used to work.

Phoebe: Oh, really?

Erin: Well, yeah, but that's mostly because it looks a lot like every coffee shop I've ever been in.

Phoebe: Oh.

_Phoebe sits on the couch._

Phoebe: So, I was thinking, since you're new to the group and all, we should go shopping.

Erin: Really? I'm part of the group?

Phoebe: Well, you've been dating Joey for almost a month, and in Joey-time, that's, like, a century.

Erin: Oh. So, you want to go shopping?

Phoebe: Yeah! I was thinking we could go to the mall.

Erin: Cool. I'm free tomorrow.

Phoebe: Why can't we go right now?

Erin: I'm supposed to be somewhere.

Phoebe: But you're not.

Erin: Actually, I was about to go-

Phoebe: No.

Erin: I-

Phoebe: No. Come on.

_Phoebe stands up and exits. Erin exits confusedly. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Jack and Judy Geller are sitting on the couch. Enter Ross._

Ross: Mom! Dad! What are you guys doing here?

Judy: We just came to visit you.

Ross: Oh, thanks.

Jack: And, we wanted to talk about Rachel.

Judy: Jack, I told you we weren't going to bring that up until dinner.

Ross: We're having dinner?

Jack: We thought if you were eating you'd be able to listen more.

Judy: Jack!

Ross: Okay, I'll go to dinner with you guys. But…should I be worried?

Jack: Look at him! Terrified about speaking with his parents!

Judy: Don't worry.

Ross: Okay…

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and Joey are sitting at the table._

Monica: Okay, Joey. Let's start with some questions. What is the brand of make-up that Erin wears?

Joey: Maybelline!

_Rachel makes a buzzing sound._

Monica: Wrong. The answer was "No idea".

Joey: Okay?

Monica: Next question.

Rachel: True or false: Erin has a photo album full of pictures of her pets in her bedside drawer.

Joey: False.

_Rachel makes the same buzzing sound._

Monica: You looked through her drawers?

Joey: Well, what kind of a question was that?

Rachel: A trick question! The correct answer was "I don't know".

Joey: Hey! How do you know what Erin has in her bedside drawer?

Rachel: I don't know!

_Scene ends and opens in Macy's. Phoebe and Erin are walking around the perfume section. _

Phoebe: Don't you love shopping?

Erin: I'm supposed to be at work.

Phoebe: If you were at work, would you be able to walk around a store like this?

Erin: Yes. I'm filming a scene in a department store today.

_Enter perfume salesman._

Salesman: Ladies, would you like to try the new perfume?

Phoebe: No, thank-you.

_Perfume salesman squirts Phoebe with perfume._

Phoebe: I said "No, thank-you".

Salesman: I'm sorry, I-

Phoebe: What, you can't understand common English? Are you just trying to _torture _me?!

Salesman: It was an accident-

Phoebe: You jerk!

_Phoebe punches the perfume salesman._

Phoebe: Come on, Erin, let's go.

_Phoebe exits. Erin exits after her, looking terrified. Scene ends and opens in a restaurant. Ross, Jack, and Judy are sitting at a table._

Ross: Okay, so what did you want to talk to me about?

Judy: Don't end your sentences with prepositions.

Ross: Seriously? You came all the way here just to correct my grammar? What did you come here for?

Judy: Ross! You did it again!

Ross: What did you come here for, Mom?

Jack: We wanted to tell you what you should do now that you and Rachel are engaged.

Judy: Jack! I told you we were going to wait until he was chewing!

Ross: Guys! Just talk to me, I'm not going to _run away_.

Judy: Alright.

Ross: Alright.

Judy: Alright.

Ross: _Alright_.

Judy: Alright.

Ross: Alright! Alright! What are you going to say?

Jack: We want you to not mess this up.

Judy: Jack! I was trying to stall until the food got here!

Ross: I AM NOT GOING TO TRY TO ESCAPE!!!

Judy: Dear, we just want to make sure that you're not going to…pull a Ross.

Ross: Where is this expression coming from?

Judy: It's just that, this is your fourth marriage, and we want it to be your last.

Ross (sarcastically): Done. After Rachel and I get divorced, I will vow never to get married again.

Jack: Well, don't act like you two are _definitely _getting divorced!

Judy: Sarcasm, Jack. And, I don't mean it like that, it's just that I don't understand how, if you two were already married once, and it didn't work out, why does it make this any different?

Ross: We didn't get _married_! We got drunk, and then I _messed things up _and didn't get an annulment for this _exact reason_.

Judy: We just want to make sure that you're not taking things too fast.

Jack: Divorces are expensive, you know.

Ross: Yes. I know.

Jack: I'm surprised you're not broke yet. Although, you are living with Rachel. That the plan, son? Marrying for the money and then leaving with what's rightfully yours? Atta boy, Ross.

_Jack holds his hand up for a high-five._

Ross: No…That is _not _the idea.

Judy: Are you _sure _it's going to work this time?

Ross: Yes! I'm sure!

Judy: But what if it doesn't?

Ross: Then I'll take your advice. I will not get married again.

Judy: And after that?

Ross: I…will…continue to not get married.

Judy: Oh. Well, at least I've got adoptive grandchildren.

Ross: Um, hello? Ben and Emma?

Judy: Oh…that's right…

_Scene ends and opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Monica, Rachel, and Joey are sitting around the table. Enter Chandler._

Chandler: Hey. What are you guys doing?

Monica: We're trying to teach Joey to not be clingy.

Chandler: What? That's like teaching a fish to not drown!

Rachel: You would think.

Chandler: I mean, seriously! It's like teaching the Aflac duck to quack when he says "Aflac"!

Monica: What?

Chandler: I've been spending too much time at work. So, what are you teaching him?

Rachel: We're quizzing him right now.

Monica: What is Erin's paternal grandfather's middle name?

Joey: Um… John!

_Rachel makes a buzzing sound. Chandler exits._

Joey: Okay, how did I get that wrong?

Rachel: You idiot! All the answers are "I don't care"!

Joey: But I do care!

_A pause._

Monica: Oh my god.

Rachel: Oh…my…god.

Joey: What? What did I say?

Rachel: Oh my god, Joey, you care!

Joey: Wha- that's what I've been saying! I care about Erin! So?

Monica: Oh, Joey, you _like _her!

Rachel: Aw…

Joey: Well, yeah, we're kind of going out!

Monica: Yeah, but Joey, I mean, how many girls that you've dated can you say you've cared about?

_Joey begins counting on his fingers._

Joey: Well, Rachel.

_Joey holds up one finger. A long pause._

Joey: Erin! I'm dating Erin!

_Joey holds up another finger. A pause. Joey looks at his two fingers and holds them out._

Joey: Hey, look! Peace! Peace out, man. What were we talking about?

Rachel: Joey! You like Erin! Oh, it's so sweet!

Monica: He's got _feelings_.

_Rachel and Monica hug Joey. Scene ends and opens in the food court in the mall. Phoebe and Erin are standing at a counter of a fast food restaurant. The person standing behind the counter hands them a tray. Phoebe glances her drink._

Phoebe: This is orange soda. I ordered a Coke.

_Erin's eyes widen in fear and she backs up._

Person: Oh, I'm sorry.

_Person takes soda and sets it on the stainless steel counter behind him, and then begins filling a paper cup with Coke from the soda fountain. Phoebe takes the Coke and exits to a table with Erin. Scene follows them there. Phoebe takes a sip of her Coke. Erin is staring at her._

Phoebe: What?

Erin: Why didn't you yell at him?

Phoebe: Oh, were you mad about that? Sorry, hold on, I'll go-

Erin: No! I mean, don't yell at him, it was just a small mistake.

Phoebe: Yeah, I know. Why did you think I would yell at him, then?

Erin: Because you beat up a guy for accidentally spraying you with perfume! Don't hit me!

Phoebe: I'm not going to hit you!

Erin: I'm sorry! I'm just…kind of scared of you.

Phoebe: Why?

Erin: Because you blew up about a little squirt of perfume- which was AWESOME, Phoebe!

Phoebe: I'm not going to hit you.

Erin: I know.

_Erin scoots back in her chair. _

Phoebe: I was just mad that he sprayed me _after _I told him "no".

Erin: I totally understand that.

_Erin scoots farther away from Phoebe in her chair._

Phoebe: And you're about to hit another table.

Erin: What?

_Erin scoots back further and hits a table._

Erin: Ow!

Phoebe: Told you.

Erin: I'm not mad at you!

Phoebe: Erin!

_Phoebe holds up her hands._

Phoebe: I am not going to hit you! I don't have anger issues!

Erin: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay?

Erin: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

Erin: You know, I know other words.

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Chandler and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. _

Phoebe: Alright, hold your fingers together in front of you.

_Chandler holds his two index fingers in front of him, pressed together at the tips. Phoebe holds them together with one hand and punches Chandler in the face with the other._

Chandler: Ow!

_Chandler holds his two index fingers together in front of him._

Chandler: Do it again!

_Enter Ross, Jack, and Judy._

Ross: Okay, Mom, Dad, I'm not going to mess up this thing with Rachel.

Judy: Are you sure?

Ross: Yes!

Jack: We just want you to be happy.

Judy: Jack!

Jack: What? I didn't say anything wrong!

Judy: Yes, I guess you're right. Never mind. Well, bye, Ross!

Ross: Bye!

_Exit Jack and Judy._

Chandler: Hey, Ross! Look what Phoebe can do!

_Ross sits on the couch. Enter Monica, Rachel, and Joey._

Monica: Joey!

Rachel: We didn't say anything wrong!

Monica: It's _adorable_!

Joey: Shut up!

Chandler: What's adorable?

_A pause._

Chandler: I mean, "I'm a guy. I don't care."

Rachel: Joey _likes _Erin!

Joey: Guys, shut up!

Ross: Wait, you mean, like-like?

Monica: Okay, Ross, I know we're all ooh-ing and ah-ing over Joey's _feelings_, but that doesn't mean you can start talking like a thirteen-year-old girl.

Ross: Hey!

_Credits appear on the screen. _

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross is sitting on the couch. Enter Monica, with a cup of coffee. Monica sits on the couch._

Monica: Hey, where were you today?

Ross: With Mom and Dad. They came into town to tell me not to mess things up with Rachel.

Monica: What?! And they didn't stop to see me? She's supposed to like me now, I have babies!

**END OF SHOW**


	11. Author's Note

I'm taking an indefinite break from writing these Friends episodes. I'm sorry, but I have a lot going on right now, and I don't want to feel all stressed every week trying to get an episode ready. I won't be posting reruns, and the only promise I can make is that I will eventually continue this story, so please don't take it off your story alerts. When I do continue it, I will continue as if the characters had no break.

Again, I'm very sorry. I'll try to return as soon as possible!


	12. The One With The First Words

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Monica are sitting on the couch. Joey and Phoebe are sitting in the two chairs at the end table. Chandler is sitting in the armchair. _

_A long pause._

Chandler: We're quiet today.

_A pause. Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Monica are sitting on the couch. Ross is reading a history magazine. Joey and Phoebe are sitting in the two chairs at the end table. Chandler is sitting in the armchair. _

Phoebe: Monica, do you know of any good daycares for little kids?

Monica: Well-

Rachel: Hey! I've been a mother longer than Monica has, why didn't you ask me?

Phoebe: Because… Monica has a boy, and I need a daycare that's good with boys.

Rachel: What's the difference?

Phoebe: Rachel, if you don't know the difference between a boy baby and a girl baby, then you're obviously not a very good mother.

Rachel: Oh, shut up. Why do you even need a daycare for Joel?

_A pause._

Rachel: Phoebe, answer me!

Phoebe: You told me to shut up!

Rachel: Forget that.

Phoebe: I can't. I've committed it to memory.

Rachel: You're talking now.

Phoebe: Oh, okay. What did you ask me?

Joey: This is why I don't like hanging out with you guys.

Rachel and Phoebe: Hey!

Joey: Did I say that out loud?

_Joey looks at his wrist._

Joey: Oh, look at the time, I have to go.

_Exit Joey._

Rachel: Anyway, why do you need a daycare?

Phoebe: Mike and I are both working.

Rachel: You could ask one of us to do it.

Chandler: Did anybody else notice that Joey actually had a watch on his other wrist?

Phoebe: That's a good idea, Rachel. Monica, can you watch Joel for me when Mike and I are at work?

Rachel: Hey! Why not ask me?

Phoebe: I've already asked you for so much.

Monica: Yeah, Phoebe, I'm sorry, but I've got a job and two kids of my own. I can't do that. Rachel doesn't have a job!

Rachel: Oh, sure, rub it in my face. You guys are all rolling around in money and I don't have a job.

Phoebe: Rachel, will you watch Joel for me while Mike and I are at work?

Rachel: Sure! I charge twenty bucks an hour for girls, forty for boys.

Phoebe: What?! What's the difference?

Rachel: Phoebe, if you don't know the difference between girl babies and boy babies-

Phoebe: Fine! Mike and I will just have to find a daycare for Joel.

Rachel: Yeah, Ross and I are going to start planning the wedding today.

Monica: Start?! You haven't even _started _planning yet? This will take weeks!

Rachel: Yeah. The wedding's in April.

Monica: What?! You said it was next week!

Rachel: Wha-

Ross: WHAT?!

Rachel: It's not next week, Ross.

_Ross goes back to reading his magazine._

Rachel: Monica, why would you think it was next week?

Monica: I don't know. I could've sworn you told me that.

Rachel: Wha- oh! I was probably telling you about my screenplay.

Monica: Oh, yeah, that might have been it.

Phoebe: What screenplay?

Chandler: No! Don't tell us about the screenplay!

Rachel: What? Why not?

Chandler: I'm, uh… deathly afraid of scripts.

Monica: What? No you're not.

Chandler: I'm trying to not let Rachel know that I think her screenplay will be boring.

Rachel (sarcastically): Well, you're doing an excellent job of it.

Chandler: You can't do the sarcasm bit as well as I do.

Rachel: Alright, never mind. But Ross and I are going to start planning the wedding today.

Monica: What happened to your wedding planner?

Rachel: She quit on us. We're just going to do the wedding by ourselves now.

Monica (sarcastically): Oh, that's smart.

Phoebe: And I really have to find a daycare for Joel.

Monica: Okay, I have to vacuum the living room.

Chandler: And… break!

_Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Monica is vacuuming the rug. Enter Chandler, carrying Jack._

Chandler: Hey, Mon, what did you do with my laptop?

_Monica continues to vacuum; she can't hear Chandler._

Chandler: Also, I'm getting a car!

_Monica keeps vacuuming._

Chandler: With four DVD players!

_Monica continues to vacuum._

Chandler: And I'm going to drink the last beer. I know you were saving it, but-

_Monica turns off the vacuum._

Monica: Use a coaster!

_Monica turns the vacuum on again and continues to vacuum. Chandler puts Jack on the couch and exits. Monica continues to vacuum._

Jack: Momma!

_Monica turns off the vacuum and jumps across the room in front of Jack._

Monica: What?

Jack: Momma!

Monica: But that's… that's _me_! Oh, you can talk! You're a _magic _talking baby!

_Scene ends and opens in a daycare. Phoebe is standing in front of a counter. Behind the counter sits a woman with a computer._

Phoebe: So snack time differs by a few minutes every day? I don't know, Joel is pretty regular with his snack times.

Woman: Well, Mrs. Hannigan-

Phoebe: Buffay-Hannigan.

Woman: Well, Mrs. Hannigan, I assure you, our facilities are extremely kid-friendly. Every now and then, we get the weirdos, like your kid, but-

Phoebe: Did you just call my son a weirdo?

Woman: That depends, does he take after you or your husband?

Phoebe: I'm… not sure exactly who that's insulting, but that was an insult! Goodbye!

_Exit Phoebe. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Rachel are sitting at the kitchen table over a spread of various wedding plans and pictures. _

Ross: So, I think that we should get white roses because they symbolize-

Rachel: Ross, _where _are we going to have the wedding?

Ross: And little lace doilies, real lace, those would look nice-

Rachel: I need a place.

Ross: And we should book a band now, what do you think of that-

Rachel: A _place_, Ross!

Ross: Hawaii.

Rachel: _Hawaii_?!

Ross: Well, if you say so. Now, I think we can get Javu to cater for us-

Rachel: Ross, Hawaii sounds-

Ross: Expensive? Yeah, I knew you would say that.

Rachel: Ross? Sweetie, look at me. You remember when I first came to New York?

Ross: You mean how you were a spoiled brat?

Rachel: Exactly! The spoiled brat inside of me really wants to go to Hawaii.

Ross: Then let's go!

Rachel: Yay!

_Ross and Rachel kiss. _

Rachel: Oh, and I'm mad at you for the "spoiled brat" thing. By the way.

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Joey and Chandler are sitting on the couch. Chandler is holding Erica._

Chandler: Hey, did you try out for that thing?

Joey: What thing?

Chandler: You know, the one at the place where they have the stuff?

Joey: Oh, yeah, but I didn't get in.

Chandler: Oh, that's too bad.

_A pause._

Joey: Okay, I actually don't have any idea what you just said.

Chandler: Me neither. I'm tired.

Joey: How come everybody else goes around doing stuff and being busy? It's great just to sit back and enjoy a peaceful afternoon.

Chandler: Yeah.

Erica: Dada!

_Chandler jumps up, holding Erica._

Chandler: She just said Dada! I have to go brag- _tell _Monica!

_Exit Chandler, running._

Joey: Yeah… just a peaceful afternoon with my best friend.

_Enter Rachel._

Joey: Rachel! You want to sit down?

Rachel: Yes!

_Rachel sits next to Joey._

Rachel: Ugh, wedding planning is _so _exhausting. Ross doesn't believe in breaks.

_A pause._

Joey: Do you _know _Ross?

Rachel: Yeah, I just heard what I said. You know, that's not what I meant.

Joey: So, if he doesn't believe in it, why are you down here?

Rachel: He thinks I'm in the bathroom! I escaped through the window!

_Enter Gunther._

Rachel: Hi, Gunther!

Gunther: I love you, Rachel.

Rachel: Oh, Gunther, I'm kind of in the middle of planning my wedding.

Gunther: Of course you are. I'm just gonna go lie face down in the snow.

_Exit Gunther. A pause._

Joey: Should we go help him?

Rachel: Yeah. You do that. I'm going to go to the bathroom.

_Exit Joey. A pause. Rachel runs through the door leading to the apartment building. Scene ends and opens in another daycare center. Phoebe is talking to a baby sucking on a pacifier. _

Phoebe: And are you satisfied with these facilities?

_The baby opens its mouth and the pacifier falls out. _

Phoebe: M-hm.

_Enter another woman._

Woman: Ma'am, you're not allowed to interview the children.

Phoebe: Then how am I going to learn about the customers' opinions?

Woman: Our customers don't really have an opinion. They're all under three.

Phoebe: Oh, so you're keeping everything under wraps? What are you hiding?

Woman: What? Oh, never mind. SECURITY!

_Scene ends and opens in Monica and Chandler's house. Monica is standing in the foyer, holding Jack. Enter Chandler, holding Erica._

Chandler: Hi. I've got _big _news.

Monica: Oh, me too!

Chandler: I think my news is probably more important.

Monica: Oh, I don't know about that, Chandler.

Chandler: Oh, it is.

Monica: Um, Chandler? No, it's not.

Chandler: I assure you, Monica, it-

Monica: NO IT'S NOT!!! I mean, um… you first.

Chandler: No, you.

Monica: Okay! Jack said "Momma"!

Chandler: You're kidding!

Monica: Nope! So HA!

Chandler: Erica said "Dada" today!

Monica: NO! Come on! That's not fair!

Chandler: What are you talking about? Monica, I thought you'd be _happy_!

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Well, no. I was really looking forward to telling you and seeing your disappointment, but, you know, if we were _normal _parents we'd be happy.

Monica: Blah. Normal parents are boring. You don't _win _by being normal.

Chandler (sarcastically): Oh, of course not. You have to be extremely competitive and emotionally scar our children for life if you want to _win_.

Monica: Exactly!

Chandler: Monica, I really think we should just be happy that our kids have said their first words.

Monica: Yeah… I guess. Our kids can speak! They're almost like people!

Chandler: Yeah…

_Monica and Chandler kiss._

Monica: So, um… exactly what time did Erica say "Dada"?

_A pause._

Chandler: Whatever. You won.

Monica: Yes!

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is sitting at the table amidst many wedding plans. Enter Rachel from the apartment's front door._

Rachel: Hi, I'm back.

Ross: How did you come in from out there? I _watched _you go into the bathroom.

_A pause. Rachel leans over the wedding plans._

Rachel: So which island are we going to?

Ross: Um… I don't know. You pick.

Rachel: No, you.

Ross: Um, okay. Ka-

Rachel: No, I pick. Maui!

Ross: Oh, that's what I was going to choose!

Rachel: You started to say "Ka".

Ross: I was saying "Cool, let's go to Maui."

Rachel: Okay, you don't have to worry about making me mad, Ross.

Ross: Really? Whatever I say you won't get mad?

Rachel: Yes!

Ross: We were on a break.

_Ross flinches._

Rachel: Okay. I respect your opinion.

Ross: Really?

_A pause._

Rachel: No.

_Rachel pushes all of the wedding plans into Ross's lap. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Joey is sitting in a chair at the end table. Enter Phoebe, Chandler and Monica holding Erica and Jack, Ross, and Rachel. Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica (still holding the twins) sit on the couch. Ross sits in the arm chair, with Rachel perched on the arm._

Phoebe: Okay, why did you call us here? I really have to be looking for a daycare.

Rachel: Yeah, and we've got a lot of planning to do.

Joey: All day you guys have been running around doing all your grown-up stuff, and I've been sitting here all alone.

Chandler: You know, you could have _helped _us with all of our grown-up things.

_A pause._

Joey: Yeah, but I didn't want to do that. Anyway, I have a solution that will help us stick together as friends.

Monica: What is it?

Joey: Well, Ross and Rachel are having trouble planning their wedding, so to make that go faster… Monica should plan the wedding! And Phoebe's trying to find a daycare, so… Monica should watch Joel!

Monica (sarcastically): Brilliant solution, Joey.

Chandler: Hey! If you're stealing off Monica to help with everyone else's "grown-up stuff", then she won't have time for our grown-up stuff!

_A pause._

Chandler: That sounded _so _wrong!

Rachel: Sounds good to me! The plan, not what he said.

Monica: Yeah, I'll have time for all this and… whatever Chandler thinks he's calling it.

Chandler: Hey!

Monica: But Rachel, if I'm planning the wedding, am I still going to be your maid of honor?

Rachel: Oh! I guess I have to choose a new one.

Monica: You can still choose me!

Phoebe: Or me!

Rachel: Um… Joey?

_Credits appear on screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Phoebe and Mike's apartment. Phoebe is holding Joel._

Phoebe: Say "Momma"! Say "Momma"! Stupid Monica and Chandler and their magic matching talking babies.

**END OF SHOW**

**A/N: Okay, I'm back! I planned out the rest of the season, and I fully intend to stick to that schedule. Thanks to all my loyal readers who kept up with this and returned to me after my absence! **

**I'm presenting a challenge for myself. I'm going to write a fanfiction using elements given to me by the readers. I need a fandom, a pairing/friendship/relationship, and a genre. Remember, weird pairings are more interesting and more difficult to write about, so search for the strangest ones! (No slash, femslash, or incest, though.)**

**I made a Facebook account for my Fanfiction account. The name is "Brittany Smattermatter". http://wwwDOTfacebookDOTcom/profileDOTphp?ref=name&id=100000749384014 Please check it out! I'll be posting updates about stories, pieces of flair about stories I've written, and other stuff like that.**


	13. The One Where Chandler Eats Dirt

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Monica are sitting on the couch. Joey and Phoebe are sitting in the two chairs at the end table. Phoebe is holding Joel. Chandler is sitting in the armchair, next to a stroller holding Jack and Erica. All but the twins and Joel are staring at the wall to the right._

Phoebe: It's totally beige!

Monica: No, it's not, it's orange!

Ross: I'm telling you, it's yellow!

Monica: It's orange!

Chandler: Magenta!

_Phoebe, Monica, Rachel, Ross, and Joey stare at Chandler. Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Central Perk. Ross, Rachel, and Monica are sitting on the couch. Joey and Phoebe are sitting in the two chairs at the end table. Phoebe is holding Joel. Chandler is sitting in the armchair, still holding the twins' stroller._

Rachel: Don't you guys love this time of February?

Chandler (sarcastically): Oh, yeah.

Joey: Rachel, it's March.

Rachel: It is? Ooh, the wedding's next month! I'm not ready!

Monica: It's okay, we can work on planning today.

Rachel: Okay. You can start working that.

Monica: Rachel, I need you and Ross _there._

Ross: She's right. You don't want to give her free reign.

Joey: I know. Biggest mistake of my life!

Phoebe: When did you give Monica free reign over something?

Joey: Oh, you know. When I was having that party, and she was helping out, and then there was that thing with the hats… Never mind, that was a dream.

Rachel: Anyway, Monica, what about Jack and Erica?

Monica: Chandler can watch them.

Chandler: N-no, he can't! Chandler can't watch them!

Monica: Chandler, you are perfectly capable of… messing up. Okay, Phoebe, can you watch-

Phoebe: Oh, I would, but I have my own kid, and I'm afraid if I watch your kids I'll get confused.

Monica: Okay… fine. I'll help Ross plan the wedding. Chandler, watch the kids. Rachel, watch Chandler.

Phoebe: Hey, why don't you just bring the kids up to Rachel and Ross's apartment?

_A pause._

Rachel: They don't want to bring the stroller up all those stairs, Phoebe.

Phoebe: There's an ele-

Rachel: Okay! Goodbye! Don't be afraid to _completely _take over the wedding!

_Rachel takes Jack and Erica's stroller and exits. A pause. Rachel sticks her head back through the door._

Rachel: Chandler!

Chandler: Oh!

_Chandler stands and exits. _

Phoebe: Alright. Time for the rest of you to leave!

Monica: What?

Phoebe: Frank Jr. is coming over today to meet his half-nephew, and I told him that we'd meet in here.

Joey: Why can't we stay?

Phoebe: Well, I guess you don't _have _to, but he might bring the triplets-

_Monica, Ross, and Joey hastily exit. Scene ends and opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. The wedding plans are spread out on the table. Ross is sitting at the table. Monica is pacing around the room._

Monica: -and we'll have _real _snow flying down when you and Rachel kiss-

Ross: Mon?

Monica: Yeah?

Ross: The wedding is in Hawaii.

Monica: Which will make the snow a lot more impressive!

Ross: No.

Monica: Fine. What about… we crush up a bunch of crystallized pineapple, and it shimmers through the air at the end of the ceremony!

Ross (sarcastic): Hey, cool! How about- no.

Monica: Come on! If you don't have a big, extravagant wedding, Rachel will leave you forever!

_A pause._

Ross: You scare me sometimes.

Monica: Look, I'm just trying to help you make this day to best of Rachel's life.

Ross: Wouldn't that make Emma feel bad?

Monica: Oh, daughter, schmaughter. This is _you _and a _wedding. _Weddings are, like, your thing!

Ross: That's not the extent of the wedding jokes, is it?

Monica: Chandler gave me a list!

_Scene ends and opens in Chandler and Monica's house. Rachel is walking through the house, talking on a cell phone. _

Rachel (on the phone): Oh, yeah, I'm kind of… babysitting right now.

_A pause._

Rachel (on the phone): Oh, he's… thirty-six.

_A pause._

Rachel (on the phone): Yeah, it's Chandler.

_A clattering crash is heard from outside._

Rachel (on the phone): Okay, Mom, gotta go!

_Rachel ends the call and exits hastily. Scene follows her to the backyard, where Chandler is sitting in the sandbox with Jack and Erica._

Rachel: Chandler, what was that noise?

Chandler: It came from the neighbor's yard.

Rachel: Really?

Chandler: Well… it was something I _threw _into the neighbor's yard-

Rachel: Oh, Chandler!

Chandler: Hey, hey, check out the sand castle I made!

_Chandler lifts a bucket, revealing a collapsing pile of sand._

Rachel: Wow, Chandler, that's… wow, Chandler.

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Phoebe is sitting on the couch, holding Joel. Enter Frank Jr. with the triplets._

Frank Jr.: Hi!

Phoebe: Hi! Hi! Hi!

Frank Jr.: Oh, you forgot Leslie.

Phoebe: Oh, right, hi Leslie!

_Frank Jr. sits in the armchair. The triplets mill around behind him. _

Frank Jr.: So this is little Joel.

Phoebe: This is little Joel.

Frank Jr.: And… he was _inside _you?

Phoebe: Um… yeah.

Frank Jr.: And now he's here.

Phoebe: Well, you know, the triplets were inside me, and now they're here.

_Phoebe gestures to the triplets._

Frank Jr.: But they're so big! Wow… Hey, why didn't you name your kid after Frank Jr. Jr.?

Phoebe: Um… oh, we wanted to, but, uh… they didn't have enough room on the birth certificate, what with Mike's last name being… Garnrutherlevenstalveson.

Frank Jr.: Right, right.

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is sitting at the table. Monica is standing on a chair._

Monica: …and the fireworks spell out "ROSS AND RACHEL FOREVER." Isn't that amazing?

Ross: -ly expensive sounding.

Monica: Are you seriously just going to be stingy on your big day?

Ross: Okay, Mon, two things. First, I think you're forgetting that we're flying everybody to _Hawaii _ for the wedding, and second, this is my fourth "big day" and Rachel's third.

Monica: See, Ross, I hear you, but this louder voice in my head is screaming "ice sculptures!"

Ross: Would that voice be an ice sculptor looking for business?

Monica: You don't _get it_, Ross-

Ross: Oh, _I _don't get it? I've been married THREE times! THREE times!

_A pause._

Monica: Um, Ross? Just a thought, but, maybe the reason those marriages failed was _because _there weren't any ice sculptures-

Ross: GET OUT!!!

_Scene ends and opens in Chandler and Monica's backyard. Chandler and Jack are sitting in the sandbox. Enter Rachel, carrying Erica._

Chandler: Hey, I think Jack might have put some dirt in his mouth.

Rachel: What? Why didn't you stop him?

_A pause._

Chandler: Hey, I think I might have put some dirt in Jack's mouth.

Rachel: Oh, Chandler!

_Rachel runs over to the sandbox and leans down._

Chandler: Here, I'll take Erica.

Rachel: Ha! Like I'm going to let you hold her.

Chandler: She's my daughter!

Rachel: Oh my god, Monica's never going to trust me again!

Chandler: Here, you know what we'll do? To make it even, we'll go over to your house and feed Emma some dirt.

Rachel: What? No! Nobody _else_ is eating dirt.

Chandler: Oh, yeah, that reminds me, I ate some, too.

Rachel: Argh!

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Phoebe is sitting on the couch, holding Joel. Frank Jr. is sitting in the armchair. The triplets are standing behind him. Enter Joey._

Joey: Hey!

Phoebe: Oh, hey, Joey! Frank, you remember Joey, right?

Frank Jr.: No.

Joey: The soap opera star?

Frank Jr.: Uh, no.

Joey: I was in that World War Two movie?

Frank Jr.: No.

Joey: The minister at Phoebe's wedding!

Frank Jr.: No…

Joey: Oh, come o- ooh, they just finished baking the cookies.

_Joey runs over to the counter._

Frank Jr.: Oh, _now _I remember!

Phoebe: Uh-huh!

_Joey sits on the couch, holding a cookie. _

Joey: So, Frank, what brings you here?

Frank Jr.: Well, I walked in, sat down-

Phoebe: I think he meant the city. I wanted Frank to meet his neph- I told you this this morning!

Joey: I wasn't paying attention. Hey, where'd those kids come from?

Phoebe: Those are the triplets, Joey.

Joey: Oh, yeah. The ones you had. What ever happened to them?

Phoebe: I gave them to Frank. You were _there_, Joey.

Joey: Oh… I wasn't paying attention.

Phoebe: Of course you weren't.

Joey: What?

Phoebe: Never mind! So how's Alice?

Frank Jr.: She's good. She was really glad that she got a break today.

Phoebe: Oh, are the triplets giving you trouble?

Frank Jr.: Not a lot, I mean, every parent has to keep the bathroom stocked with gauze and the hammer out of his children's reach, right?

Phoebe: Um, yeah. Hey, do you mind if I take them today, and you can go out and get a… bubble bath or something?

_Frank Jr. exits hastily._

Phoebe: Yeah, okay, bye, Frank!

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is lying on the couch with a pillow over his face. Monica is pacing around the room._

Monica: …and he'll say, "Their love is like an _explosion_," and then this huge firework shaped like a heart will explode behind him, and we'll shower the guests with sparklers and Roman candles-

Ross: This is not the fourth of July, Monica!

Monica: That's brilliant! We'll bump the wedding down to the fourth of July!

Ross: No! I thought I told you to leave.

Monica: But you _need _me, Ross! Without me, your wedding will be boring!

Ross: I'm thinking, as long as nobody's gay, nobody's drunk, and everybody says the right name, we'll be good.

Monica: But you don't want it to be just "good"! You need it to be _fireworks_!

Ross: Will you drop the fireworks?!

_A pause._

Monica: You don't _drop _fireworks, Ross, I mean, that would be stupid. You could start a fire!

_Ross rolls into the couch and buries his face into it with a groan. Scene ends and opens in Chandler and Monica's kitchen. Rachel is standing in front of the counter. Jack is in front of her, on the counter. Chandler is hovering behind Rachel. Erica is in the bassinet, which is blocking the entrance of the kitchen. Rachel is feeling around in Jack's mouth._

Chandler: I swallowed some dirt, too.

Rachel: Do you want me to stick my arm down _your _throat?

_A pause._

Chandler: 'Lil bit.

Rachel: Oh, Chandler! Look, we're not going to tell Monica about this. Go outside and make sure it doesn't look like anybody ate the dirt.

Chandler (sarcastically): Oh, right, I better go get rid of the table cloth.

_Exit Chandler. Rachel's cell phone rings. Rachel answers it._

Rachel (on the phone): Hello?

_Scene cuts to Monica, standing in Ross and Rachel's apartment, talking on her cell phone._

Monica (on the phone): Hey, tell Ross to let you have horses at your wedding.

_Scene returns to Rachel._

Rachel (on the phone): What? No!

_Scene returns to Monica._

Monica (on the phone): Please, please, please?!

_Scene returns to Rachel._

Rachel (on the phone): Okay, but only if it's okay that Chandler and Jack ate dirt.

_Scene returns to Monica._

Monica (on the phone): Yes! Wait, what?

_Scene returns to Rachel. Rachel quickly ends the call and slips the cell phone into her pocket. Reenter Chandler._

Chandler: Was that Monica? Did you tell her?

Rachel (excited): I'm going to have horses at my wedding!

Chandler: Yay for you! Am I in trouble?

Rachel: Well, no, but… I doubt she's ever gonna want to kiss you again. Bleargh.

Chandler (sarcastically): Well, that's great.

_Credits appear on screen. _

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Chandler and Monica's house. Chandler is walking around the house, making gagging noises and coughing. Monica is sitting on the couch, reading a book._

Chandler: Monica, my mouth hurts.

Monica: Well, you shouldn't have eaten that sand.

**END OF SHOW**

**A/N: Sorry I didn't post last week, I had a lot going on. Just revised the planned episodes. As of now, there are six more episodes left this season. They'll be exciting! Keep reading!**


	14. The One With The Subway

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Phoebe, Chandler, and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Joey and Ross are sitting in the two chairs at the end table. Monica is sitting in the armchair._

Phoebe: Hey, can I borrow a stick of gum?

Chandler: Sure.

_Chandler pulls a stick of gum out of his pocket and hands it to Phoebe. Phoebe holds it out in front of her. A long pause. Phoebe hands the gum back to Chandler._

Phoebe: Thanks, I really needed that.

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Ross is sitting on the couch. Enter Rachel from the bedroom._

Rachel: Hey, are we getting married in a few weeks?

Ross: Yup!

Rachel: So we'll want to make sure everything's in order for the trip to Hawaii, right?

Ross: Yup!

Rachel: So we should probably send the invitations out as soon as possible.

Ross: Yup!

_A pause._

Rachel: So we should probably send the invitations out as soon as possible.

Ross: Yup!

_A pause._

Ross: Oh!

_Ross stands and exits hastily. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Ross, Chandler, and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Joey and Phoebe are sitting in the two chairs at the end table. Monica is sitting in the armchair. Ross is quickly writing out invitations. _

Ross: April somethingth, Hawaii, STD. April somethingth, Hawaii, STD.

Monica: "Somethingth"?

Joey: STD?

Chandler: Save the date.

Joey: Oh!

Ross: …somethingth, Hawaii. Whoops, misspelled my name! Oh well!

Rachel: Sweetie, I want you to get them done, but that doesn't mean sending out chicken scratch with your misspelled name on it.

Ross: Actually, it looks pretty nice. It says "rose".

Rachel: Do we want it to look like I'm marrying Rose?

Joey: Yeah!

Rachel: Look, Ross, just take the time to do them right.

Ross: Okay.

Chandler: I love weddings.

_Phoebe, Monica, Rachel, Ross and Joey turn and stare at Chandler._

Chandler: That was weird.

Phoebe: Anyway, where are you guys going for your honeymoon?

Rachel: Well, seeing as we're getting married in Hawaii, I would have to say that the only thing that could top the actual wedding would be-

Joey: A strip club!

Ross (sarcastically): Yes, Joey, we're going to have our honeymoon at a strip club.

Joey: Yeah! I gotta go get married.

_Exit Joey. Scene ends and opens on a street in New York City. Monica and Chandler are walking down the street. _

Chandler: Hey, wait, hey, we're not going to the Porsche.

Monica: Yeah, I took it to the shop here in the city. We can get it back tomorrow.

Chandler: So we're going to temporarily live on the streets?

Monica: No, we're taking the subway.

Chandler: What?

Monica: Chandler, relax. Has anything bad happened the other times you rode the subway?

Chandler: Well, no.

Monica: See? It's fine.

Chandler: But that's because I've never ridden the subway.

Monica: Wha- never?

Chandler: Nope!

Monica: You _live _in New _York_, and you've _never _ridden the subway?

Chandler: No. Wait- yeah, never.

Monica: Well, come on!

Chandler: No, no, no, Monica, is this that annoying thing you do that everyone hates where you try to cure us of our fears?

Monica: Yes!

Chandler: No, Monica! Remember what happened when you tried to cure Joey's fear of fire?

Monica: Oh, quit complaining. I got the scorch marks out.

Chandler: But the memories will never fade!

_Scene ends and opens in Joey's apartment. Joey is standing by the counter. Enter Phoebe._

Phoebe: Hey, where are Chick and Duck Jr.?

_Joey looks up and down confusedly._

Joey: I dunno.

Phoebe: Huh.

Joey: Anyway, I'm glad you're here. I need help rehearsing for this role.

Phoebe: Oh, okay.

Joey: Well, the thing is, the role is gay.

Phoebe: Oh, yay! I can help you with that!

Joey: Yeah, well, the thing is, I don't know if this is even right for me. I mean, can you see me gay?

Phoebe: Oh, definitely.

_Joey raises his eyebrows._

Joey: What?

Phoebe: Oh, sorry. I meant, um… hm. Uh… yeah, a little bit.

Joey: Okay.

Phoebe: Alright, so you need gay lessons.

Joey: You're not going to make me kiss a guy, are you?

Phoebe: I'm not going to _make _you do anything.

Joey: Alright, before the lessons, can I show you what I have so far? 'Cause I think it's pretty good already.

Phoebe: Okay, show me what you've got.

_Joey clears his throat._

Joey: 'Ello! Good cheer, I do love flowers!

_Joey spins around, gets dizzy, and crashes into the counter._

Phoebe: What… what was _that_?

Joey: That was me being gay!

Phoebe: And British?

Joey: I wasn't being British!…It was Japanese.

Phoebe: How is that gay?

Joey: I dunno! How am I supposed to be gay?

Phoebe: We start with your hair.

_Phoebe reaches toward Joey's hair. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Rachel is sitting on the couch. Enter Ross, holding a stack of invitations. _

Ross: So, do you want these to look fancy, or should I do them?

Rachel: Sweetie, why can't you just write them out?

Ross: Because this is supposed to be the best, magical day, and I don't want to mess it up.

Rachel (sarcastically): Oh, that's so sweet! But, you know, it's not going to be very good if nobody shows up.

Ross: But if they don't understand my "chicken scratch", they could end up showing up at the wrong place or wrong time.

Rachel (sarcastically): Yeah, they might show up on April whateverth.

Ross: Help me!

_Ross sits in the armchair._

Rachel: Okay, here's what you're gonna do. Take the pen.

_Ross takes the pen, holding it over the invitations on the coffee table._

Ross: Okay…

Rachel: Write "178 Main Street. New York, New York. Rowling's Invitations."

_Ross writes it._

Ross: Okay…

Rachel: Now go!

Ross: Wha- oh!

_Exit Ross. Scene ends and opens in a subway station. Monica and Chandler are walking through the station. Monica is dragging Chandler. _

Chandler: Are we underground? I- I can't breathe! Sunlight!

_Chandler reaches toward the stairs._

Monica: Come _on, _Chandler.

Chandler: But underground is where the _dead people are_!!! I'm dying! We're all dead.

Monica: Chandler, you're making a scene.

Chandler: ARGH!!!

Subway Station Worker: Does he want a lollipop?

Monica: Oh, yes, please.

_Subway Station Worker hands Monica a purple lollipop. Monica pops it in Chandler's mouth. A pause._

Chandler (thickly): Grape.

Monica: Come on!

_Monica continues to pull Chandler towards the subway. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Phoebe leads Joey through the doors. Joey is wearing a bright blue V-neck, tight black jeans, and cowboy boots. He has a little eye make-up on, and there is glitter in his tousled hair._

Joey: Hey, where'd you get all these clothes?

Phoebe: Oh. They're mine!

Joey: Ugh…

Phoebe: Okay, so, now, pop your hip to the side.

Joey: Like this?

_Joey pops his hip to the side._

Phoebe: Good! Okay, now, which one of these guys is gay?

Joey: What?

Phoebe: Ooh, that guy!

_Phoebe points to a guy sitting at a table._

Phoebe: Go!

_Phoebe pushes Joey forward. Joey walks up to the guy. _

Joey: Hey. Drinking some… coffee?

Guy: Um… yeah?

Joey: It tastes _good, _doesn't it?

Guy: Um… yeah, I guess.

Joey: Mm-hm.

Guy: Look, dude, I have a girlfriend.

Joey: I'll bet you do.

_Joey runs back to Phoebe._

Phoebe: Okay, so he doesn't know he's gay yet. But he could definitely tell you were flirting with him. That's good!

Joey: Yeah? You think I'll get the part?

Phoebe: Yeah, I really do.

_Enter Erin._

Erin: Oh, hi Joe… y?

Joey: Hi, Erin! Wha- oh! No!

Erin (awkwardly): Okay, bye.

_Exit Erin._

Joey: Erin, wait!

_Exit Joey, running. Scene ends and opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Rachel is sitting at the table, holding a fork and a spoon. _

Rachel (spoon voice): Hello, Ross.

Rachel (fork voice): Hello, Rachel.

Rachel (spoon voice): I love you, Ross.

Rachel (fork voice): I love you too-

_Enter Ross._

Ross: What?

Rachel: U2 is my favorite band!

Ross: Um… okay.

_Rachel glances down at the spoon and fork._

Rachel: Look at that! I got out eating utensils, but then I never got anything to eat!

_Rachel pretends to laugh. Rachel stands and begins fixing a meal at the counter._

Ross: So, I got the Rowling's place to do the invitations.

Rachel: Good! And then we're going to send them out?

Ross: Yeah, about that, should we invite both of your parents?

Rachel: Let's go get some coffee!

_Exit Rachel and Ross. Scene ends and opens on a subway. Monica and Chandler are sitting in two seats. Chandler is fidgeting._

Monica: Calm down!

Chandler: I can't! What if some guy throws himself down on the tracks to save a kid and gets squished?

Monica: _How _is that dangerous for you?

Chandler: Emotional trauma! I don't like the sight of blood!

Monica: Will you please just shut up? We'll get home faster.

Chandler: The train's gonna go faster if I'm quiet?! BLAH BLAH BL-

_Monica slaps her hand over Chandler's mouth. Many subway passengers are staring at them._

Monica: Chandler, please, you're embarrassing me!

Chandler: If I embarrass you enough, will you get off the subway?

Monica: No! Be quiet.

_A long pause. _

Chandler: You know, this isn't so bad.

Monica: Really?

Chandler: Yeah. It kind of reminds me of the last scene in Final Destination 3.

_A pause._

Chandler: We have to get off.

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Ross, Chandler, and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Joey and Phoebe are sitting in the two chairs at the end table. Monica is sitting in the armchair. _

Joey:… so I finally caught up with her and explained.

Phoebe: That's good.

Joey: Yeah. Actually, this guy Aaron thought I was yelling at him. I think I have his number…

_Joey begins digging around in his pocket. He pulls out the paper and hands it to Chandler. Chandler raises his eyebrows, and then puts it in his pocket._

Rachel: We finally got our invitations done!

_Phoebe, Joey, Chandler, and Monica extend their hands to receive an invitation._

Rachel: We don't have a lot, so we're kind of just telling you.

Ross (sarcastically): It's April somethingth.

Joey: I can't remember that!

_Rachel hands Joey an invitation. _

Rachel: Mon, didn't you go home a long time ago?

Monica: Chandler's afraid of the subway!

Joey: Really? Ooh, Chandler, the scary sandwiches are gonna get you!

_Credits appear on screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens on a stage. Audition people are sitting behind a desk in front of the stage. Enter Joey onstage, in his glamorous get-up._

Joey: I'm Joey Tribbiani, I'll be auditioning for the part of Alec.

Audition Person: Okay.

Joey: Could I _be _any gayer?!

**END OF SHOW**

**A/N: I'd just like to point out that the whole "April somethingth" joke came up because I was writing in my classroom, there were no calendars, and I just put it down o change later, but then I decided to keep it. **


	15. The One Where They Play TicTacToe

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Phoebe, Joey, and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Chandler and Ross are sitting in the two chairs at the end table. Monica is sitting in the armchair. Joey and Phoebe are arguing over a cup of coffee._

Joey: Come on, give me a sip!

Phoebe: No! It's mine.

Joey: Please?

Phoebe: No!

Joey: Aw, I really want some coffee.

Phoebe: It's mine!

_A pause._

Joey: Hey, look at that cute little puppy!

_Joey points out the window. Phoebe turns around and looks out the window. Joey steals her coffee, takes a swig of it, and then spits it up all over his clothes._

Joey: My throat is on fire!

Phoebe: Ha!

_Phoebe takes her cup of coffee back. Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Central Perk. Phoebe, Ross, and Rachel are sitting on the couch. Chandler and Joey are sitting in the two chairs at the end table. Monica is sitting in the armchair._

Rachel: Guess what? I straightened my hair this morning!

_Chandler, Ross, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe look at Rachel's hair._

Ross: It doesn't look any different.

Rachel: Well, I straighten it every morning. I just wanted to share.

Chandler: Ah.

Joey: So, I haven't heard anything from my agent lately. You know what that means!

Monica: That you're a bad actor?

Ross: You have a bad agent?

Phoebe: Pluto is aligned with Venus?

Joey: What? No. Whenever there's a long stretch of time without any new jobs, that means a really good part is coming up. The longer the stretch, the better the job. It's, like, an actor rule or something.

Chandler (sarcastically): It's been twenty-three years since I was in my school production of "Willy Wonka" as an Oompa Loompa. I must be about to star in a movie on Broadway.

Joey: No, it doesn't work that way! They don't play movies on Broadway.

Monica (sarcastically): Yes, that's the only flaw in that prediction.

Rachel: Joey, I thought your agent died.

Joey: Oh, yeah, well, I got a new one. But I don't like her very much.

Phoebe: Why not?

Joey: She pronounces my name "Harvey". And the thing is, she doesn't even have a weird accent except when she says my name.

Chandler: Uh, Harvey? Is there a chance she doesn't _know _your name?

Joey: Oh!

_Exit Joey. _

Chandler: Speaking of my job-

Monica: We weren't talking about your job.

Chandler: I wanted to bring it up, but I wasn't sure how.

Monica: Then why didn't you just change the subject?

Chandler: I didn't want to be rude.

Monica: It's-

Rachel: Hey, guess what? We are talking about Chandler's job now! Okay, Chandler, what did you want to tell us?

Chandler: Now I can't remember.

_A pause._

Phoebe: On my way over here, I saw this cat, and-

Chandler: Wait, wait, wait, I remembered!

Phoebe: But now I'm telling a story.

Monica (exasperated): Just let him get it over with.

Chandler: We're shooting a commercial for that Vita Young stuff, and I'm supposed to find a real woman, not an actress, who uses it to talk in the commercial.

Phoebe: Oh, sorry, Chandler, but I look this way naturally, and not because of evil chemicals.

Chandler: Uh… that's nice, Phoebe, but I was kind of talking about Monica.

Rachel: Why? I use that Vita stuff.

Monica: You don't even know its name!

Rachel: Well, I don't _read _it while I'm putting it on!

Monica: Then how do you know you're not using toothpaste or something?

Rachel: Because if I were using toothpaste, I wouldn't look this pretty.

Ross: Of course you would, sweetie, you're beautiful.

Rachel: I'm not mad at you, Ross.

Ross: It's not an apology, it's the truth.

Rachel: Ross!

Ross: I'm sorry!

_A pause._

Ross: Are you mad? 'Cause you're beauti-

Rachel: No, I'm not mad. At you.

Chandler: What?

Rachel: I should be in the commercial. It's obvious Monica's lying about using the Vita crap, just look at those wrinkles.

_Monica gasps._

Monica: Oh, you did not just go there, girlfriend!

_Monica tries to do the finger snap and neck bobble. _

Monica: Ow, my neck!

_Monica holds her neck._

Chandler: I told you you couldn't pull that off. Okay, I'm just going to go off and skip around the city and you guys can just figure out who gets the part, 'k?

_Chandler begins to exit. Rachel whips around._

Rachel: Chandler!

_Monica whips around, still cradling her injured neck._

Monica: He- OW!!!

Chandler: Bye!

_Exit Chandler. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Ross and Phoebe are sitting on the couch. Phoebe is drawing something on a piece of paper. Ross leans over to look at it._

Ross: What are all those x's and o's for?

Phoebe: I'm trying to figure out a name for the robot that Joey and I are going to build once we get the supplies from Jupiter.

Ross: Phoebe, there's nothing on Jupiter. It's a gas planet.

Phoebe (ignoring Ross): So far, I have Oxxoxxxoxooxo.

Ross: Why are you only using x's and o's for the name?

Phoebe: Duh! Binary.

Ross: But that's not- never mind. Anyway, I thought that it looked like you were setting up a game of tic-tac-toe, and I was going to say that I had more important things to do than play a silly little game with-

_Phoebe offers Ross a pencil._

Phoebe: You want to play?

Ross: Yes!

_Phoebe draws a tic-tac-toe graph on the piece of paper with her pencil. Ross draws an x on the paper. They play in silence for a few seconds._

Phoebe: Ha! I win!

Ross: That didn't count!

Phoebe: Why not?

Ross: Y-you were cheating!

Phoebe: How was I cheating?

Ross: Because… you knew exactly what I would do! Like a robot!

_Ross gasps._

Ross: _You're _Oxxoxxxoxooxo!

Phoebe: That's ridiculous! Let's play again.

_Ross leans toward the paper._

Phoebe: You're going to put an x in the middle, I'll put an o in the top right, you'll put an x in the lower left, I'll put an o in the top left, you'll put an x in the left spot, I'll put an o in the top, and I'll win!

Ross: Robot!

Phoebe: I'm kidding!

_Ross and Phoebe play in silence for a few seconds. _

Phoebe: Yes! I win again!

Ross: That's impossible.

Phoebe: Wow. Sore loser.

Ross: I AM NOT A SORE LOSER!!! YOU CHEATED!!!

Phoebe: Whoa, calm down, Franken-Ross.

Ross: I'M PERFECTLY CALM!!! This game is rigged! I'm going to go find the real way to win!

_Exit Ross. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Chandler is sitting on the couch, sipping coffee. He looks down as he spills his coffee on one of the couch pillows. He looks around guiltily and then quickly flips the pillow. Enter Joey, distressed._

Chandler: Hey, Joey!

Joey: What? Oh, hi. How are you? I don't care.

Chandler: What's wrong?

_Joey sits down in the armchair._

Joey: I just got back from my agent's.

Chandler: And you didn't get a job?

Joey: No. I got a really good one! In Hollywood!

Chandler (confused): Oh… I'm so sorry. It's okay, Joey.

Joey: I mean, I _really _want to take the job, but I don't want to leave my life in New York. And, you know, I don't want to leave Erin. We're getting really serious.

Chandler: Serious, schmerious!

Joey: But I love her!

Chandler: Love, schmove!

Joey: I actually think that Erin might be the _one _that they talk about in all those mushy shows that Rachel watches. I don't want to ruin that.

Chandler: One, schmone.

Joey: Do you have any real advice?

_A pause._

Chandler: Advice, schmadvice.

Joey: Come on!

Chandler: This is your big break! You need it. Don't let some girl hold you back!

Joey: Okay. You're right.

_Exit Joey. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Chandler is sitting on the couch, sipping his coffee. He looks down as he spills coffee on the couch pillow. Chandler flips the pillow over, and then realizes that there is a coffee stain on the other side, too. Frustrated, he throws it behind him. It hits Gunther in the face, who backs away, stunned, while Chandler hides behind the couch. Enter Monica._

Monica: What did you do?!

Chandler: So you can detect spills and stains from a long way away!

Monica: What did you tell Joey?

Chandler: I repeated the words he used, followed by that word preceded by "schm". Then I told him to go to California.

Monica: Why would you do that?

Chandler (sarcastically): Gee, I don't know, I guess I wanted to hurt him by telling him to follow his dreams.

Monica: He's in love! Do you get that? Do you know how unusual that is? This is more unlikely than Tom actually getting Jerry, and you told him to throw it away!

_A pause._

Monica: You're thinking about Tom and Jerry now, aren't you?

Chandler: He never gets that mouse, does he?

Monica: Can you fix this? He listens to you.

Chandler: I'm sorry, Monica, but I think that if Tom had the chance to go to Hollywood, he'd choose it over finally killing Jerry.

Monica: He's already got a TV show! And so does Joey! Just talk to him, okay?

Chandler: Okay.

_Scene ends and opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Chandler is sitting on the couch. Enter Monica and Rachel from the bathroom._

Monica: Which one of us looks younger?

Chandler: Um…

Rachel: Answer!

Chandler: Rachel!

Monica: What?

Chandler: Because she's more immature!

Rachel: Hey!

Chandler: Which makes her more fun!

Monica: Chandler!

Chandler: And I hate fun!

Rachel: Will you please just pick me to be in the commercial?

Chandler: Why are you guys making me decide?

Monica: Because it's _your _commercial!

Chandler: Why can't you get Joey to decide?

Monica: Joey is busy deciding something _else_.

Rachel: Oh, what's he deciding?

Monica: He got offered a job in Hollywood, but he doesn't want to leave Erin.

Rachel: Oh, what's he going to do?

Monica: I don't know.

Chandler: It's really interesting. Let's keep talking about this.

Rachel: I look younger than she does!

Monica: No you don't!

_Monica and Rachel begin wrestling. Enter Joey._

Joey: Hey, I'm still not sure what to-

_Joey sees Rachel and Monica fighting._

Joey: Whoa! _Definitely _staying in New York!

_Exit Joey. Scene ends and opens in Erin's apartment. Erin is sitting at the kitchen table. Enter Joey. _

Erin: Hey.

Joey: Hi.

_A long pause._

Erin: So… the key to my apartment works.

Joey: I got a job.

Erin: Oh, you did? That's great!

Joey: I'm not taking it, though; it's in Hollywood.

Erin: Oh. And you aren't taking it because…

Joey: I love you!

_Erin stands up. Joey holds her shoulders._

Joey: I don't want to mess this up. I'm staying here.

Erin: Joey, don't stay for me. I couldn't live with myself if I was the reason you gave up-

Joey: I'm not giving up anything! Yeah, I could star in a movie with Megan Fox, but I've already got a job on a TV show where there are plenty of hot girls!

Erin: What?

Joey: You! I'm staying for you! That's… what I meant.

Erin: I don't think anyone's ever done something like this for me.

_Erin and Joey kiss._

Erin: I think we should move in together.

Joey: What?

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Ross and Phoebe are sitting on the couch, playing tic-tac-toe. Enter Joey, followed by Erin._

Erin: I mean, look at it this way: we already have each other's keys. It's sort of like we're already living together. And if you're ready to give up Hollywood for me, then it only makes sense that-

Phoebe: Will you stop blabbering, I'm trying to concentrate!

Joey: Ross, help.

Ross (without looking up from the game): What's going on?

Joey: Erin thinks we should live together.

Ross (without looking up from the game): You and me?

Joey: No, me and Erin.

Ross (without looking up from the game): You guys are ready.

Joey: You really think so?

Ross (without looking up from the game): Yup.

Joey: Okay. I guess we're going to live together!

Erin (sarcastically): I'm so glad you get all your advice from the guy who keeps losing at tic-tac-toe.

Ross: Wrong! I just won!

_Ross stands up._

Ross: Ha! In your face!

Phoebe (sarcastically): Yay for you, Ross.

Ross: WHOO!!!

_A pause._

Ross: I gotta go tell somebody!

_Exit Ross. Credits appear on screen._

**CREDITS SCENE**

_Scene opens in Central Perk. Joey, Phoebe, and Erin are sitting on the couch. Ross is sitting in the armchair. Enter Chandler, Monica, and Rachel._

Monica: Chandler, sweetie, if you want to stay married to me, then pick me for the commercial!

Rachel: Hey! That's not fair! Who needs her, Chandler, I bet she just married you to get this part in the commercial, just so she could play that card!

Monica (sarcastically): Yes, that's my ultimate plan.

Rachel: Ha! She even admits to it!

Joey: Are you guys still on that? Just pick one of them already!

Chandler: Fine! Eenie-meanie-minie-mo, something something tiger's toe, Monica's my wife and so, Rachel is not it.

Rachel: Oh, come on!

Monica: Yes!

**END OF SHOW**


	16. The One Where They Go Camping

_Scene opens in Monica and Chandler's bedroom. Chandler is lying in bed. Monica was bustling around the room. A small suitcase is on the floor, open._

Chandler: What are you doing?

Monica: Packing.

Chandler: Are you leaving me?

Monica: What?

Chandler: Just don't take both the kids. You can have Erica.

_Chandler rolls over and goes back to sleep. Monica sighs and shakes him awake._

Chandler: Morning, Mon!

Monica: Do you remember anything you just said?

Chandler: Was I awake?

Monica: Never mind.

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Rachel is sitting at the table, drinking coffee. Ross is standing by the door, holding a duffel bag. _

Rachel: Where are we going again?

Ross: You know that annual camping trip we all plan every year?

Rachel: Yeah?

Ross: This year we're actually taking it.

Rachel: Oh, okay. Have fun.

Ross: No, we're _all _taking it.

Rachel: Oh, do I have to?

Ross: Yes, it's a good way to connect with nature.

Rachel: I don't like nature. I like electricity and plumbing.

Ross: We'll have flashlights, and if you like I could attach a little lever to a tree for you. It wouldn't do anything, but…

Rachel: Fine, I'll go with you, but I won't like it.

Ross: Well, fine, let's go enjoy a fun weekend out in the wilderness!

Rachel: Fine!

_Exit Ross and Rachel. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Phoebe, Chandler, and Monica are sitting on the couch. Rachel is sitting in the armchair. Ross is sitting in a chair at the end table. _

Phoebe: Why did we meet up here?

Chandler: I need to load up on caffeine before Monica drags me out to the campsite.

Rachel: And I'm hoping that stopping at the coffee shop will provide I diversion so I can escape.

Phoebe: Come on, guys! This will be fun! I've never been camping before. Well, unless you count sleeping in a box under a tree in Central Park.

Monica: Yeah, this will be fun! Roasting marshmallows, telling scary stories!

Chandler: Catching on fire!

Monica: Chandler, I will put a fence around the fire if you're so scared of it!

Chandler: A wooden fence?

Monica (sarcastically): Yes, Chandler, a wooden fence, because I'm secretly trying to kill you.

Chandler: I knew it!

Phoebe: Hey, where's Joey?

_Scene ends and opens in the hallway outside Joey's apartment. Ross and Chandler are standing in front of Joey's door. Ross knocks on the door. Joey answers the door, looking disheveled._

Joey: Hey, guys, what-

_Chandler grabs Joey, pulls him out the door, and slams the door. Exit Chandler, dragging Joey. Exit Ross. Scene ends and opens in a campsite. Monica and Rachel are pulling a tent out of Monica's Porsche. Enter Ross, Chandler, and Joey._

Monica: Good, you found him.

Joey: I don't wanna go camping! I wanna go home!

Monica: What's he complaining about?

Chandler: He didn't want to leave Erin.

Ross: Yeah, we got him almost all the way downstairs, and then he made a break for it. We caught him when he tripped over the stairs.

Rachel: Wow! Never thought I'd see the day when Joey Tribbiani would fight so much for a girl.

Joey: We're living together now! Do you know how hard it is to live with someone when you're not living there?

Chandler: Oh, yeah. I had a girlfriend in college who said she loved me. I hardly ever saw her, though, and when I did she just wanted to talk about tests that we were taking. Come to think of it, she never broke up with me.

Monica: So you're technically still dating her?

Chandler (sarcastically): Yes. Jealous?

Monica: No, that's crazy.

Ross: I'll go get the other tents.

_Exit Ross, Chandler, and Joey. _

Rachel: You are jealous, aren't you?

Monica: 'Lil bit.

_Scene ends and opens near a campfire. Monica, Rachel, Joey, and Chandler are seated around the fire. Enter Phoebe. Her hair is sopping wet._

Phoebe: The bug spray nozzle wasn't working.

Chandler: So you jumped in a lake?

Phoebe: No, I just poured the bottle on my head.

Monica: Phoebe, now there won't be enough bug spray for everyone.

Phoebe: Oh, you can just sit near the fire.

Joey: Great, so we can either die of bug poisoning or get burned. I should just go home.

_Joey begins to stand. Chandler yanks him back into his chair._

Chandler: You're not going anywhere.

Joey: Why are you standing in the way of true love?

Rachel: Can it, Romeo, we're only out here for two days.

Joey: A lot can happen in two days!

Chandler (sarcastically): Yes, I'm sure that by the time you're back, Erin will be married to a crocodile breeder and living in Australia.

Joey: She always did love crocodiles…

Rachel: Hey, where's Ross?

_Scene cuts to Ross squashing and jumping on a partially opened tent. Scene returns to the fire._

Joey: I dunno.

_Rachel pulls her cell phone out of her pocket and begins texting._

Chandler: What are you doing?

Rachel: I'm texting Ross.

Monica: No, no, no. This is an all-natural camping trip! No cellular devices, music players, or other electronic appliances.

Chandler: Hey, you should record for airplane intercoms.

Rachel: I need my cell phone! What if I run into a bear?

Chandler (sarcastically): You'll ward it off with your Britney Spears ringtone?

Rachel (defensively): It's Kelly Clarkson.

_Enter Ross. Ross crashes into a chair next to Rachel. Ross is exhausted._

Rachel: Done setting up the tents?

Ross: Huh? Oh. Sort of.

Monica: Sort of?

Ross: I set up two tents and one… lump.

Chandler: A lump?

Ross: I suppose you could also call it a topless tent.

Joey: Awesome!

Monica: Joey, you're never going to get any further with Erin if you keep acting like that.

Joey: Oh, yeah, speaking of that, Phoebe, I'm not allowed to share a tent with a woman.

Phoebe: Seriously? Does she not get that I'm married with a kid? What, is she that crazy jealous?

Rachel: Actually, I set that rule.

Phoebe: What? Why?

Rachel: I like Erin! And if Joey is anything like Chandler and Monica, sharing a tent with one of his close female friends might end badly.

Chandler: What do you mean, "like Chandler and Monica"?

Rachel: Oh, come on, guys. It was Ross's wedding. You seriously couldn't control yourselves for one night?

Monica: Hey, that was a really hard time for everyone!

Chandler: And Monica attacked me!

Monica: No I didn't, Chandler.

Chandler: Maybe you didn't, I may have imagined it amidst all of your begging.

Monica: Chandler, _what _are you talking about?

Chandler (whispering): The guys are here!

_Monica sighs. A pause._

Monica (tonelessly): And he sure is a stud.

_Scene ends and opens in the woods. Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe are standing in the middle of a clearing. Chandler, Joey, and Ross are walking around the clearing, examining the trees. Two trees have orange spray paint stripes on them._

Rachel: What are you guys doing? I mean, this isn't just some insane random thing, right?

Phoebe: Oh, no, they've got wilderness madness!

_Joey stops walking and spins around._

Joey (terrified): Wait, that's not a real thing, is it?

_Ross turns around._

Ross: No, Joey.

_Ross and Joey resume examining the trees._

Monica: Wait, so what are they doing?

Ross: We're picking out the trees that are safe to use.

Monica: Use, as in…

Chandler: Toilets. Crappers, lavatories… loos. Pick a word.

Monica: Oh my god! Um, I'm just going to go back to camp and… cry.

_Exit Monica. Ross, Joey, and Chandler turn around. They are finished._

Joey: Okay, who wants to be the first person to try out the facili-trees?

Rachel: Ooh, me!

_Rachel begins walking towards an orange-marked tree._

Rachel: This is so exciting! All my life I've been this spoiled city girl, and now I'm gonna pee in the woods and it's so- AUGH!!! Spider!

_Exit Rachel, running. Joey turns to look at the tree. Joey points at the roots of the tree._

Joey: Hey, look! The spider's using it, too!

_Scene ends and opens around the campfire. Rachel, Ross, Joey, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are sitting around the fire. Chandler, Ross, and Phoebe are holding sticks in the fire. Chandler pulls his stick out of the fire. A roasted hot dog is speared on its tip._

Chandler: Hey, look! I've got a wiener on a stick!

_A pause._

Chandler: I roasted my wiener.

_A pause._

Chandler: I need buns for my wiener.

Rachel: Okay, Chandler, just stop. It's not funny.

Chandler (indignantly): It's hilarious!

Rachel: No, it's not. We're adults.

Chandler: But it's funny!

Rachel: It isn't!

Chandler: Yeah-huh!

Rachel: Naw-uh!

Ross (sarcastically): Really? We're all adults?

_Phoebe points to the fire._

Phoebe: Hey, look! Sparks!

_Ross, Rachel, Joey, Monica, and Chandler rapidly draw their feet under their chairs. Monica stands up, shaking a can of Lysol._

Chandler: What are you doing?

Monica: I'm going to use the ladies'… tree.

Chandler: You know you can't Lysol a tree, right?

Monica (defensively): I know that.

_Monica leans down and picks up a can of Clorox wipes. Monica exits._

Rachel: We should tell scary stories!

Joey: No!

Rachel (mockingly): Aw, is somebody afwaid of a wittle-

Joey: Yes!

Rachel: Okay, fine.

_Scene ends and opens in Joey and Chandler's tent, at night. Chandler and Joey are in sleeping bags. Chandler is dozing. Joey is staring straight ahead, wide-eyed in terror._

Joey: Dude! I can't sleep!

Chandler: We didn't even _tell _any scary stories!

Joey: But I remembered one!

Chandler: Then… just forget it!

_A pause._

Joey: Okay, I did.

Chandler: Seriously?

Joey: Oh, yeah, I just did a brain flush.

Chandler: A brain flush?

Joey: Yeah, I just get rid of a bunch of stuff I remembered.

Chandler: Isn't that dangerous?

Joey: Maybe. Hey, do _you _remember what my middle name is?

_Scene ends and opens in the campsite, at night. Rachel is sneaking out. Enter Monica, behind Rachel. Rachel stops walking, but Monica keeps walking. Rachel hears her and whips around. Monica stops walking._

Rachel (whispering): What are you doing?

Monica (whispering): Sneaking out! You?

Rachel (whispering): Same. I don't like camping.

Monica (whispering): Where are you going?

Rachel (whispering): Holiday Inn across the street.

Monica: Oh my god, me too!

Rachel (whispering): Shhh!

Monica (whispering): Right.

_Monica and Rachel keep walking. Credits appear on screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Joey and Chandler's tent. It is morning. Joey and Chandler have rolled rather close to each other. They wake up._

Joey: Morning, sunshine.

Chandler: You know who I am, right?

Joey: Yup, but I'm too tired and sore from sleeping on the ground to care. Wait a second… where's your hand?

Chandler: Between two pillows.

_Chandler pulls his hand out from between Joey and Chandler's pillows._

Chandler: See?

**END OF SHOW**

**A/N: Aha! It counts, it's before midnight! Anybody get the "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles" reference? Also, I think that Kelly Clarkson should start spelling her name Klarkson. I just think it would look better. **


	17. The One With All The Commitment Issues

_Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross is standing in the kitchen. Chandler is looking in the refrigerator. Chandler steps back and closes the refrigerator door. Chandler is now holding a glass of orange juice._

Ross: Hey, Chandler?

Chandler: Yeah?

Ross: I just wanted to let you know that I want you to be my best man at the wedding.

Chandler: Oh, thanks, buddy!

_Chandler and Ross hug._

Ross: Well, you've been my friend for a long time, and I wanted you to know how much you mean to me. …And it was Joey's turn last time.

Chandler: Well, I'm glad you picked me, because you mean a lot to me, too. Also, when you die, can I have your stuff?

_Ross pulls out of the hug._

Ross: What?

Chandler: Not close enough yet?

_Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Joey and Erin's apartment (formerly Joey's apartment). Joey and Erin are sitting at the table._

Erin: I'm sorry I dragged you out to my friend's. She can be annoying sometimes.

Joey: Trust me, I can take annoying. I've run into Janice a lot, and I'm still alive. And surprisingly, so is she.

Erin: Who's Janice?

Joey: So much you don't know…

Erin: It's not even that Amy's so annoying herself, it's just that she goes _on _and _on _about her _(Erin puts air quotes around the words with quotation marks around them.) _"husband", and her two little "kids".

Joey: Why are you doing the quoty thing? She actually _does _have a husband and two kids.

Erin: I know that. I'm just… irritated because she acts like everyone is dying to be her.

Joey: Yeah, it's like, "I have a family, I'm married!" I mean, who wants that?

Erin: I know, right?

_A pause._

Erin and Joey: I do.

_Joey and Erin look equally shocked. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe are sitting on the couch._

Monica: Rachel, we have to plan your bachelorette party!

Rachel: Oh, yeah, I guess we should start planni-

_Monica pulls a binder out from behind her back._

Monica: Done! Don't you just love binders? I wish I could live in one…

_Monica rubs the binder on the side of her face._

Rachel: Um, Mon?

Monica (distracted): Yeah?

Rachel: See, it's just that… uh… the- okay, will you stop rubbing your face with that thing?

_Monica sets the binder on the coffee table. _

Monica: Fine. But now you know what it's like when you take me and Phoebe shopping.

Rachel: What are you talking about? I-

Monica (imitating Rachel): Oh, this shirt is _so _soft! And this one has like a bajillion thread count!

Phoebe: Yeah, Rache, she's right.

Rachel: Okay, one, I do not sound like that, and two, _nothing _has a bajillion thread count and if it did that would be amazing!

Monica: I know, wouldn't it?

_A pause._

Monica: So! Bachelorette party. Next Tuesday. Or Wednesday, I'm not sure… I have to start plot- I mean, planning!

_Exit Monica. _

Phoebe: We're celebrating tonight without her?

Rachel: Yeah! I told you that was a great idea, right?

Phoebe: Of course it was, I came up with it.

_Scene ends and opens in Joey and Erin's apartment. Joey and Erin are sitting at the table, shocked._

Erin: So… I guess we should talk about this?

Joey: No! No, we don't need to talk about this! What, are you crazy? We can get by without, you know, _ever _mentioning this again.

Erin: Joey-

Joey: I'm serious! We can just be one of those couples that never-

Erin: Joey-

Joey: I mean, I love you, but can't we just stop-

Erin: Joey!

Joey: What?

_Erin kisses Joey._

Joey: Oh.

Erin: Now we negotiate, or that stops.

Joey: Okay… little problem.

Erin: What's that?

Joey: What does "ne-goat-shit" mean?

_Scene ends and opens in Rachel and Ross's apartment. Chandler is sitting at the table. Ross is standing by the refrigerator, drinking a cup of orange juice. Enter Joey. _

Chandler: Hey!

Joey: Ross, I'm using your bathroom.

Ross: Why?

Joey: Because mine's clogged.

_Joey sits at the table. A pause._

Ross: So… why aren't you using it?

Joey: I lied and said that I was using your bathroom to get away from Erin! Yeesh, get with the program! And you're supposibly qualified to ride dinosaurs?

Ross: What? No.

Joey: Never mind!

Chandler: So, you're trying to get away from Erin? Can't handle the stress of living together? Yeah, some people just can't take it.

Ross: Speaking of which, where is Monica?

Chandler: Why, is she here?! Monica, I know you're hiding! You can't follow me everywhere, it's bad enough in my own home!

Ross: Anyway, seriously, Joey, why are you hiding from Erin? I thought by now you'd be… uh…

Chandler: Taking a ride on the twisty slide? Going down the up escalator? Doing it?

Ross: Yeah, that works.

Joey: Yeah, well, change of plans. Apparently, we're getting married.

Ross: What?!

_Chandler steals Ross's orange juice, takes a big swig of it, and spits it all over Joey._

Chandler: What?!

Joey: You just had to do that, didn't you?

Chandler: Possibly. Ross, that was low pulp. You're drinking the wrong orange juice.

Ross (sarcastically): Yes, I'm going to have to make you my official beverage tester.

Chandler: Hey, if you don't let this go, we're going to forget what we were surprised about in the first place!

Ross: What?

Chandler: And there it goes.

_Chandler turns to Joey._

Chandler: Married, Joe. Really?

Joey: I don't know! She wanted to talk about it.

Chandler: Well, if you don't want to get married, you have to tell her.

Joey: Yeah, the thing is, I actually said I did want to get married.

Ross: Whoa, really? Joey, look, you can't just off and get married whenever you feel like it.

Chandler: Never thought I'd see the day, Mr. Divorced-Three-Times.

Ross: Hey! _Divorced_, not _married_!

Chandler: What?

Ross: Never mind! Anyway, Joey, you have to be sure about it. Getting married, it's important, it's big, it's… happening in like two weeks. Oh my god! We're… oh, my…

Chandler: Joey, you're going to have to go back across the hall. Ross is having a panic attack, and as you know, I cannot give advice.

Joey: Okay… I think I'm going to go buy a ring.

_Joey stands up._

Chandler: Again, I'm not so good with the advice, but I would probably suggest against that. But then, what do I know? Ooh! Monica is downstairs! She can help you.

Joey: Cool.

_Exit Joey._

Ross: Rachel and I are getting married in _two weeks_! I am _so _not ready!

Chandler: Yeah, that's the spirit, big guy.

_Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Monica is sitting on the couch. Enter Joey. _

Joey: Why did you and Chandler get married?

Monica: Because I love him. Why, what did he do?

Joey: Nothing, it's just… Erin and I are kind of considering getting married.

Monica: What? Really? Oh, Joey, that's great!

_Monica and Joey hug._

Monica: You have to let me plan your wedding!

Joey: Can you help me buy a ring?

Monica: A wedding ring?

Joey: We're not engaged, Monica, slow down!

Monica: Oh, an engagement ring. Sorry, I got excited.

Joey: Yeah, well…

Monica: Do you think we can get a wedding ring on sale if we buy it the same time?

Joey: Monica!

_Exit Joey and Monica. Scene ends and opens in a bar. Phoebe and Rachel are at the counter, talking with two guys. _

Phoebe: Wow… your eyes are so beautiful, I could just… gouge them out of their sockets and take them home with me. But that would be _wrong_.

_Rachel pulls Phoebe away._

Rachel: Phoebe, what are you doing?

Phoebe: I _was _flirting with a cute guy, and now I'm talking to you. What?

Rachel: You're _married_ with a _kid_.

Phoebe: So what? It's not like I'm going to give him my real phone number.

Rachel: Look, I just feel really weird going out like this. I mean, my wedding is in a few weeks. What would Ross think?

_Scene ends and opens to Ross and Chandler in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross buries his head in the freezer and screams. Chandler pats him on the back._

Chandler (sarcastically): You know, most people don't feel the need to check the temperature in their freezer by face.

Ross (withdrawing): How can I get married in two weeks? I'm not ready! Really, what's going on? Argh!

_Ross plunges his head back into the freezer._

Chandler: Okay, why are you freaking out about this? You love getting married! You've already been married three times!

Ross (still with his head in the freezer): This is different! This is _Rachel_!

Chandler: She's one of the people you've already married!

_Ross withdraws from the freezer to give Chandler a dirty look, then Ross plunges back into the freezer once more._

Chandler: What are you even doing?

Ross (still with his head in the freezer): I thought that people who were in shock were supposed to get cool air.

Chandler: No, no Ross- that's people who are _hot_.

_Ross withdraws, gives Chandler another dirty look, and straightens up and closes the freezer._

Chandler: You've got to stop worrying. You and Rachel both- you guys just keep freaking out and trying to back out because you're so sure that this time it's permanent. Seriously, though, what's so wrong with serious commitment like that?

_A pause._

Chandler: My god, I've lost sight of who I am!

Ross: Thanks, Chandler.

Chandler: Okay, you're going to keep your head out of that freezer?

Ross (sarcastically): Not sure. You want to stay here and keep me from it?

Chandler: Yeah, sure.

_Chandler sits at the table. Ross sighs and sits with him at the table. Scene ends and opens on a New York street. Monica and Joey are walking down the sidewalk. _

Joey: And then I'm going to say- whoa!

Monica: What?

Joey (nervously): I can see the jewelry store from here.

Monica: Yeah, we're almost there.

Joey (nervously): Yeah, cool.

_Joey begins walking into the street._

Monica: Joey, what are you doing?

Joey: How long do you think I have to stand here before a taxi hits me?

Monica: Joey!

_Monica yanks Joey back onto the sidewalk._

Monica: You'd rather get killed than engaged?

Joey: Not killed! Just… enough damage that Erin would leave me.

Monica: Oh my god, really, Joey? Come on, you're ready for this. Trust me.

Joey: How do you know? How would you know better than me whether or not I'm ready?

Monica: Remember around Halloween when you wanted to propose to Erin after knowing her for, like, two weeks, so Rachel and I talked you out of it?

Joey: Yeah?

Monica: We're women! We know _so _much more about how you really feel than you do.

Joey: Fine.

Monica: Yay! Let's get the _biggest _ring they have!

_Monica begins dragging Joey towards the store._

Joey (nervously): Oh no, I left my wallet at home.

_Joey begins trying to walk back towards the apartment building. Monica pulls him forward. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Ross and Chandler are sitting at the table. Enter Rachel and Phoebe. _

Ross: Hi!

Rachel (nervously): Hi! I was at a place. Just a place. A normal, boring old place that isn't somewhere for me to meet guys.

Phoebe (under her breath, sarcastically): Smooth.

_Phoebe takes out her cell phone._

Chandler: Rachel, guess what?

Rachel: Is this another one of your stupid jokes?

Chandler: No! Ross made me his best man!

Rachel: Okay, please let this be one of your stupid jokes.

Chandler: Hey! Come on, I'll be a great-

Rachel: Oh, yeah right!

Phoebe: Hey…

Ross: He's my oldest friend, he was my roommate in-

Rachel: Well-

Phoebe: HEY!!!

Rachel (snapping): What?

Phoebe: Monica just texted me that Joey was going to propose to Erin in Central Perk!

Rachel: No way! Our Joey?

Chandler: Oh, yeah, he was talking about that to us a while-

Phoebe: Then WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US?! Come on!

_Exit Phoebe, Rachel, Ross, and Chandler. Scene ends and opens in Central Perk. Monica is sitting on the couch, peering over the edge to see Joey standing by the door with the ring in his hand. Gunther is standing behind the counter._

Monica: Hey, Gunther could you dim the lights? And get those people drinking their coffee to either leave or hide somewhere?

_Monica points to a table where a man and a woman are drinking coffee. _

Gunther: Fine. Hey, you! We're closed.

Man (pointing to Monica and Joey): They're still here.

Monica: We live here. This couch is my bed. It's a sad, sad life. Now scram.

_Man and Woman exit. Gunther exits to the back of the coffee house. Enter Rachel, Ross, Phoebe, and Chandler from the door leading to the apartment building. Joey sinks to one knee._

Rachel: Not us.

Chandler (sarcastically): But we're honored.

_Joey rises._

Monica: Okay, I just texted Erin. She should be down here soon. Guys, get down here.

_Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe hide behind the couch and peer over the edge. Enter Erin from the door leading to the apartment building. _

Erin: Oh. Hi, Joey.

Joey: Erin! Hey.

Erin: Um… whatcha doing?

_Joey takes a deep breath._

Joey: Listen, Erin. I love you. I know we've had our rough spots, like our first date when you stole my hotdog, or last month, when you thought I was gay. You're amazing, and… and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Erin: Oh my god.

_Joey gets down on one knee._

Joey: Erin Laurels… will you marry me?

Erin: Yes. Yes!

_Joey puts the ring on her finger and stands up. Joey and Erin kiss. Chandler, Monica, Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe run out from behind the couch. _

Phoebe: Yay!

Rachel: Congratulations!

Chandler: We were _so _not watching from behind the couch.

_Credits appear on screen._

**CREDITS SCENE:**

_Scene opens in Ross and Rachel's apartment. Monica, Joey, and Erin are sitting on the couch. Chandler is sitting in the armchair. Phoebe is sitting in the window seat. Ross and Rachel are standing in the kitchen._

Rachel: Ross, I lied. Pheebs and I actually kind of went out and had a little bachelorette party.

Ross: Oh, Rache, that's o-

Monica: WHAT?!

**END OF SHOW**

**A/N: The season finale is in two weeks! I'm taking extra-long to write it, so next week is a rerun. No spoilers, but there will be a definite cliffy! Also, does anybody have any good songs for the Joey-Erin proposal scene? I couldn't think of any.**


	18. The One With The Big Pineapple

**A/N: Jack Checker is the main character of the original TV show idea I had, "Air Traffic." Maybe someday you'll see it on TV!**

_Scene opens in an airport. Joey, Erin, Phoebe, Mike, Monica, Chandler, Rachel, and Ross are standing in the line to get their baggage checked. Joey's bag is on the counter. Seven bottles of shampoo and two bottles of water are sitting next to the bag, and the baggage check, Jack Checker, is pulling out more liquids from Joey's bag._

Jack Checker: Sir, are you aware that you can only bring a one quart size bag full of 3 ounce containers if you are bringing liquids on the plane?

Joey: But I need this stuff!

Rachel: Yeesh, Joey, we're not going to Mars! It's… oh my god, we're going to Hawaii!

Ross: We are! Hawaii!

_Ross and Rachel kiss. Theme song and title sequence play. Scene opens in Rachel and Ross's hotel room. Rachel is sitting on the bed. Enter Ross with his bag. He puts the bag on the floor and closes the door. Ross and Rachel are wearing leis._

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: I can't believe we're in Hawaii.

Ross: I know! I just got lei'd.

_Rachel giggles._

Ross: Wha- oh! _That's _why Joey was laughing!

_Rachel stands up._

Rachel: Well, maybe that's not the only time you'll get "lei'd" this weekend.

Ross: No, I think they only give you one as soon as you get- oh! Oh.

_Rachel and Ross kiss. Enter Joey. Rachel and Ross jump back._

Joey (grinning knowingly): Whatcha doing?

Ross: There was a leak- didn't you think you saw a leak, Rache?

Rachel: Yes!

_Rachel points to the ceiling above where they had previously been standing. _

Rachel: I thought I saw a leak, but I was wrong. I don't know, maybe I'm seeing things.

Ross: Island fever.

Rachel: Right.

_A pause._

Joey: You guys suck at lying.

Rachel: Hey, I do not! You believed me when I told you that Erin couldn't come because she RSVP'd too late.

Joey: She wasn't late?

Ross: She RSVP'd before you!

Joey: Why don't you want her here?

Rachel: Well… get Phoebe and Monica and Chandler in here. We should explain this. It kind of has to do with what Ross and I were about to do.

Joey: Ha! I _knew _you didn't have island fever!

Rachel: Just go!

_Exit Joey. Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's hotel room. Ross and Rachel are sitting on the bed. Monica is sitting in the armchair in the corner. Chandler and Joey are sitting on the loveseat. Phoebe is sitting in the desk chair. _

Monica: I love this place! I just ate a mango I got off a tree!

_A pause._

Monica (unenthusiastic): I just ate a mango I got off a tree.

Chandler: Mon?

Monica: I have to brush my teeth.

_Monica begins to exit. _

Rachel: Sit down.

_Monica sits down in the armchair._

Rachel: Ross and I have decided that, until our honeymoon, to protect the sacredness of Maui… and because we're sharing a room with Emma, we're not going to have… _relations _until after the wedding.

Joey: Huh?

Chandler: They're not gonna do it.

Ross: Actually, Chandler, _we're _not gonna do it.

Chandler: I know, that's what I said.

Rachel: No… _we _aren't.

_Rachel gestures to them all._

Chandler: Wait… you mean my wife and I can't-

Ross: Nope.

Phoebe: That's not fair!

Rachel: Phoebe, your husband is in New York!

Phoebe: Yeah, okay.

Monica: Ross, Rachel, you can go ahead and do your little pre-wedding thing, but don't make us follow your rules!

Ross: Hey, this is what Rachel wants, so we're going to go through with it, okay.

Monica: Fine.

Chandler: You can't make an exception for me and Monica?

Ross: No, Chandler! No sex!

Chandler: Not the first time I've heard that.

_Scene ends and opens in Ross and Rachel's hotel room. Sunlight is filtering through the blinds. Rachel is asleep. Ross is standing over her, shaking her._

Ross: Rachel. Wake up.

Rachel: Go away. Five more minutes.

_Rachel rolls over._

Ross: It's your wedding day, Rache.

Rachel: Fine. Ten more minutes.

_Ross sighs and exits. Scene ends and opens in Chandler and Monica's hotel room. Chandler is lying in his bed. Monica's bed is empty. Chandler is sitting up, his head poking out from under the covers. Enter Ross._

Ross: It's my wedding day! Rachel and I are getting married _today_!!!

Chandler: Yeah you are!

Ross: Hey, is Monica already up?

Chandler: Oh, yeah, you know how much she loves weddings. She's probably downstairs getting into her dress already.

Ross: Because it's my wedding day! WHOO!!!

_Exit Ross. Monica pops up form under the covers._

Monica: You think he knew I was here?

_Scene ends and opens in the hotel lobby. Ross is standing by the window. It is raining outside. Enter Joey and Phoebe._

Joey: Hey, aren't you supposed to be getting the wedding ready?

Phoebe: Yeah, I was all excited about helping with the weddingy stuff.

Ross: The wedding's off.

Joey (to Phoebe): Told you they wouldn't last.

_Phoebe passes Joey a bill._

Ross: What? No! We can't do it today because it's raining.

_Joey reluctantly gives the bill back to Phoebe._

Phoebe: Yes!

_Ross glares at Phoebe._

Phoebe: _So _sorry about your wedding.

Ross: We have to postpone it until tomorrow, unless it rains again, and then we'll have to wait until the next day, and if it rains then, the day after that-

Joey: Okay, okay, we get it, it rains and rains and you die all alone.

Ross (sarcastically): That's looking at it brightly.

Phoebe: Well, look at it this way- maybe this is the bad thing that's going to happen.

Ross: What?

_Joey gives Phoebe a sideways glance and subtly shakes his head._

Phoebe: You know, for the whole "Ross Curse" thing.

Ross: The "Ross Curse"?

Joey: Phoebe!

Phoebe: I'm sorry, it slipped out!

Ross: What's the "Ross Curse"?

Joey: Nothing! It's nothing. She didn't say anything about anything. Ooh, look, a really big pineapple.

Ross: Do you guys have some superstition that all of my weddings will go wrong?

Phoebe: Well, Ross, it's just… see… You're right, Joey, that thing is huge.

Ross: So, basically, you guys think I can't have a perfect wedding.

Phoebe: No!

Joey: Yes!

Phoebe: Joey!

Joey: Well, look at it, Phoebe.

_Joey begins counting on his fingers. _

Joey: Gay, wrong name, drunk, rain. He's cursed!

Phoebe: You are, Ross. Li'l bit.

Ross: I'm not cursed! You know what? I'm going through with it. We'll get umbrellas, or do it inside, or something. Nothing is going to get in the way of me marrying Rachel today.

_Enter Minister, stumbling._

Ross: Excuse me? We're going to have our wedding today despite the rain.

Minister (drunkly): Life is a crystallized pineapple.

_Minister falls. Joey catches him confusedly. Ross throws up his hands in exasperation. Enter Monica and Chandler._

Monica: Hey! It's raining!

Ross (sarcastically): Is it?

Chandler: What about the wedding?

Joey: He was gonna do it anyway, but…

_Joey looks at the unconscious minister in his arms._

Monica: You killed someone?

Ross: What? No! The minister's drunk. You know, this is just a sign that now everything's going to go wrong. You guys were right. I'm cursed. Wedding off.

_Exit Ross sullenly. _

Monica: I don't believe this!

Chandler: I know! _Ross _doesn't want to get married?

Monica: And what's with the "cursed" thing?

Joey: We told him about the Ross Curse… and I am still holding this guy.

_Joey sets the minister down on a bench behind him. _

Phoebe: How are we going to tell Rachel?

_A pause._

Monica: We don't have to!

Joey: What?

Monica: She's still asleep. We can just stall her with wedding preparations until Ross changes his mind.

Chandler: How do you know he's gonna change his mind?

Monica: Because he's _Ross_.

Phoebe: Yeah, but I don't think stalling Rachel's going to work. I mean, that's what we tried to do with you when Chandler ran away before you guys got married, and-

Monica: WHAT?!

Chandler: Five years! Five years and that never came up.

Monica: You ran _away_?

_A pause._

Chandler: That pineapple is _huge_!

Phoebe: I know, right?

_Scene ends and opens in the breakfast bar of the hotel. Rachel is sitting at a table, eating a muffin. _

Janice (O.S.): Oh… my… GOD!!!

Rachel: Oh my God!

_Rachel falls out of her chair and scurries under the table. Enter Janice._

Janice: Rachel! What are you doing here?

Rachel: Under the table? I, um… dropped a crumb. Here it is!

_Rachel takes a crumb off the floor and pretends to eat it, obviously brushing it off before it reaches her mouth. Janice laughs._

Janice: No, silly! In Hawaii!

Rachel: Oh… Ross and I are getting married-

Janice: Ooh, where?

Rachel: -underwater. All the guests had to learn to scuba dive.

Janice: That's adorable! And I'm so happy for you and Ross.

Rachel: Yeah…

_Exit Rachel, running. Scene ends and opens in the lobby. Chandler, Joey, Monica, and Phoebe are standing by the window. Enter Rachel._

Rachel: Chandler, get out of here if you value your life.

Chandler: What? Why?

_Enter Janice. _

Janice: Chandler Bing!

Chandler: Oh, COME ON!!! We're on the other side of the world!

Janice: Rachel, why did you run away from me?

Rachel: I'm sorry, I didn't see you standing there.

Janice: Really? Because we were having a conversation.

_A pause._

Rachel: Is that a pineapple or a mountain!

Joey (trying to escape Janice): Do you wanna go touch it?

Rachel: Yes, let's.

_Exit Rachel and Joey._

Monica: So, Janice what brings you to Hawaii?

Janice: Oh, I moved here.

Chandler: Permanently, or just until we leave?

_Janice laughs. Chandler cringes._

Monica (aside to Chandler): If you stop making jokes, she'll stop laughing.

Chandler (aside to Monica): That wasn't a joke.

Janice: So what's new with the Bings?

_Exit Chandler, running._

Janice: What's with him?

Monica: He's… um…

_Exit Monica, running. Scene ends and opens outside the hotel. Monica, Jack Geller, and Judy Geller are talking in the courtyard._

Jack: So, how's the wedding planning going?

Monica: Well, it's off.

Judy: What?

Monica: Not permanently! Just until, you know, the minister gets sober and the rain lets up and they hack down that big pineapple so people can actually concentrate.

Jack: I know, it's enormous!

Judy: Jack!

Jack: Well, it is.

Judy: Actually, it really is.

Monica: Oh, come on!

_Scene ends and opens in the bar in the hotel. Ross is sitting on a barstool. The bartended hands him a drink._

Bartender: It's kind of early for a drink, isn't it?

Ross: I called off my wedding.

Minister: Oh. Why?

Ross: I'm cursed.

Bartender: It's funny, I usually get that kind of talk _after_ somebody's been drinking their drink.

_Ross takes a sip of the drink._

Bartender: You know, Hawaii is pretty famous for curses.

Ross: Yeah, well, this isn't a Hawaiin curse. I've had this for about twelve years.

Bartender: See, that's another funny thing about Hawaiin curses. Regular curses tend to not work in Hawaii.

Ross: What?

Bartender: Seriously, it's an old theory. That's why a lot of the locals don't sweat about breaking mirrors or crossing black cats.

Ross: Huh.

Bartender: You thinking about giving that wedding another shot?

Ross: I guess.

Bartender: Good idea.

_Exit Ross._

Bar Customer: Is that seriously a myth?

Bartender: Naw, it's crap. I just hate to see a guy give up on his wedding day. It could be the only chance he ever has to get married, you know?

_Scene ends and opens in the hotel lobby. Ross is standing in the middle of the lobby. Enter Monica._

Monica: Okay, I finally got the word around to all the guests that the wedding was off.

Ross: How'd you do that?

Monica: I taped a sign to that stupid pineapple.

Ross: Well, the wedding's back on!

Monica: What?!

Ross: Isn't it great!

Monica: Sure, except somebody made off with the pineapple, so now I have to find a new message board. And I really want you to have your sunset wedding, so it'll probably have to wait until tomorrow.

Ross: Okay! Great!

Monica: Alright.

_Scene ends and opens on the beach. An aisle is paved with sand. Beach chairs are set up for the guests. A portable altar is set near the water. Ross is standing at the altar with Joey. _

Ross (aside to Joey): Why are you marrying us again?

Joey (aside to Ross): Your minister is hung-over.

Ross (aside to Joey): You know what you're supposed to say, right?

Joey (aside to Ross): Of course!

_Joey gestures to the book in his hands._

Joey (aside to Ross): I've got the Bible! Oh no.

Ross (aside to Joey): What?

Joey (aside to Ross): This is Harry Potter.

Ross (aside to Joey): What?

Joey (aside to Ross): Don't worry, I'll make it work.

_Camera pans to aisle. Chandler and Monica come walking down the aisle, arm in arm. _

Monica (aside to Chandler): Chandler, I really have to tell you something.

Chandler (aside to Chandler): You're the one who stole the pineapple?

Monica (aside to Chandler): What? No! It's important.

Chandler (aside to Monica): The pineapple is important!

Monica (aside to Chandler): You know what, never mind.

_Chandler and Monica reach the altar. Phoebe walks down the aisle with the bartender._

Ross: Where's Joey?

Joey: Right here, man.

Monica: This is the only usher we could get on such short notice.

_Enter Rachel in her wedding dress. Her father walks her down the aisle. _

Ross (to Rachel): You look beautiful.

Mr. Greene: I never liked you, Ross.

Ross (sarcastically): Can I call you "Dad"?

_Rachel joins Ross and Joey on the altar. Rachel's father steps aside. Joey opens his book._

Joey: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the beautiful sanction of my friends, Rachel Greene and Ross Geller. Do we have the vows?

_Phoebe passes Rachel a sheet of paper. Chandler passes Ross a piece of paper._

Ross: Rachel, I've loved you since the day I first met you, and I cannot imagine anyone that I would ever want to marry… twice… more than you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You're-

Joey: Sunset's coming fast, Ross. Rachel?

Rachel: I love you, Ross, and despite the rough spots we've had over the years-

Ross: WE WERE ON A-

Joey: Ross! Really?

Rachel: Anyway… I can't imagine living my life without-

Joey: That was breathtaking, Rachel. The rings?

_Monica and Chandler pass Joey rings._

Joey: Ross, do you…

_Joey flips through the book._

Joey: Uh, choose this… Slytherin as your… wand?

Ross: What?

Joey: Just go with it!

Ross: I- yes. I do.

Joey: And Rachel, do you take Ross as your lawfully wedded Parsletongue, in Hogwarts and in health?

Rachel: What?

Joey: Answer the question!

Rachel: I think so? Oh, I do. I do!

_Joey hands the rings to them._

Joey: Put those on or whatever.

_Ross puts his ring on Rachel's finger. Rachel puts her ring on Ross's finger. _

Joey: By the powers vested in me, by the Internet and… Dumbledore, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

_Ross and Rachel kiss._

Chandler: Aw…

Monica: Chandler, I still really have to tell you something.

Chandler: What?

_Monica glances at Ross and Rachel, still kissing, and leans up to whisper in Chandler's ear. _

Monica (aside to Chandler): I think I might be pregnant.

**END OF SHOW**

**END OF SEASON**

**A/N: Season 13 should be coming around sometime in September. This season was fun, and I hope to see all my readers back for the next one!**

**Also, I received many suggestions for a song for Joey and Erin, but I actually picked one myself: "Nothing On You," by B.O.B. I just think it describes their relationship so well. **


	19. Author's Note: Season 13

**First episode of Season 13 is up!**


End file.
